New Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher: TurveyTopsy (502 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TurveyTopsy (View user info) at 2003-11-03 13:18:59 EST
Hello and welcome back to Übersite fellow Übersuers, I trust that you all had a productive weekend - whether spent getting partying, trick or treating, or 'bobbing for apples' (wink wink nudge nudge say no more).
If anyone enjoys B-rate holidays as much me, then you have all likely encountered the monstrosity for which I dub "The Deniable." This creature is not something as flawed as contemporary views on religion, nor is it a hideous twist of humanity.
Instead The Deniable presents itself as the specter of mediocrity that every person has encountered many times before, and doubly while 'agitated' party goers are out in numbers. (By agitated, I mean horny)
That's correct class, The Deniable is the hook-up that should not be.
We've all encountered the beast whether it be at the atypical Fraternity Party or pleasantly perusing local art exhibits, from cliffs up high to the valley down low, there's no place safe from the taint of this scourge.
Perhaps I'm being intentionally harsh to those that don't deserve such animosity, but sometimes subtlety is best left to the broadside of a 2x4.
The question subsequently answered is several suggestions on how one deals with these encounters with the plain, bland, and non-inspirational.
You all know the situation. You're minding your own business in a club, bellied up to the bar, or walking down the street and your eyes meet.
"We've been spotted and are being pulled in by her tractor beam," calls a nearby Dana Carvey, recognizing the behavior.
While the monster may not be bringing over a gun rack, it is no doubt bringing along with it something far worse - a conversation.
You never quite know what it is about them that turns you off so much. Maybe it's their stunningly boring looks, unibrow, poor taste in mixed drink, wedding ring, or horribly out of date clothes, but something about them just smells funny, and you remembered to shower and de-odorize before leaving.
The conversation ensues in a bland fashion, and this is where your options as a victim begin to arise, even though in actuality, you may have already fled the scene screaming bloody murder to avoid the conversation. That may have attracted the sadistic goth in the corner, or at the very least invited several people to think less of you, which is never good, but at least you are free.
Names are divulged, whether truthfully or not, and this is the first place which the victim can be truly empowered. The blatant lie is a clever ruse if going solo, but beware for saying your name is Han Solo when your friend next to you constantly refers to you as Princess Leia, isn't a good idea.
So you've endured the first portion of conversational niceties so far, and nothing bad has come of it. This is where the clever ruse ends and the creature offers to buy a drink, offers to dance, or follows up with more intrusive questions like "What's your sign" or "What do you do for a living." Fear not students, for you may still rely upon the blatant lie to save you again, though if they are willing to spend money on a drink, you might as well accept, assuming it's a drink of your choice and not theirs - who knows what horrid drink they may order for you.
Situational report thus far - simply peachy. You've just met a dull, boring, unimaginative person and are along for the ride. This is when the creature will no doubt continue the to interrogate further. The Deniable is always seeking the same thing, to simply get some sort of contact or to simply take you to it's lair (possibly even your own!) and defile your well-being, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Conversation is continued and the creature is getting tired, drunk, or constipated.
NOTE: Under no circumstance are you to follow them into the bathroom for any reason, because oral favors are often exchanged in afor mentioned room. Oral favors are prime reason for subsequent encounters with The Deniable, which means they win. While you may consider yourself a winner for receiving an oral favor, realize that unless you are very skilled at the blatant lie, you WILL be hearing from them again.
There is still the option to run away screaming bloody murder, but it is still more simple to lie your way to freedom by hinting at a particular undesirable trait, such as continuously scratching at your scalp muttering "Damn fleas", or simply asking if "having crabs will be detrimental to our polygamous relationship." Of course variation on those two simple statements is welcome and encouraged.
Perhaps you choose something more simple, or even more subtle by simply splashing the drink they just purchased for you in their face and shouting "No I won't fuck you for $5!" Whichever option you choose, realize that the lie is a fail-safe option in nearly all situations unless you mutter the words "I'm gay" in which they begin to grope you and your female friends, or summon over another Deniable of opposite sex, and you are doomed to begin again.
The Deniable is always a dangerous creature and even more so when they work together in large masses of mediocrity, but can be simply avoided by either running away screaming, or simply lying your ass off.
To all people who would be moral and just, or simply can't hurt someone's feelings, you're fucked if you are ever approached by The Deniable unless you can simply say "I'm not interested" and carry on with a straight face as you have just crushed all of their hopes and dreams.
I am sorry this helpful piece of information came post-B-rate holiday, but it took this past weekend of field testing, to ensure these practices all worked and nothing I said was a lie.
Happy Monday!
(Author's Note : Any likeness of above behaviors observed in the Chicagoland area were not in any way attributed to the author of this informative article, I swear...)
User Reviews
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-03 13:32:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lots of big words.
head hurts.