Rantings of a mad man (432 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.5 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <X_treme78.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-04 22:26:19 EST
Why do toasters have a setting that burns the bread into a charcoal crisp? Is there anyone out there that prefers it this way? I don't know about other people, but when I wake up in the morning, I would preferably not want to gnaw on the burnt remains of a wheat buttertop.
I hate the fact that on computers and calculators they have the ten keys with the numbers descending as it goes down, while the phone has its numbers ascending as it goes down. Now I don't know how long this feud has been going on, but it needs to stop now. I think what we need to do, is to hold a diplomatic meeting between computer makers and phone makers and sign a treaty that will place all numbers divisible by 4 on the left side...and those that aren't divisible by 4 goes on the right. That way its fair and everyone is happy. We can hold this in Geneva. Jimmy Carter will be there.
I just had surgery on my thumb...took me awhile to get to the point to have it looked at. I mean c'mon...I can't go to the doctor cuz my thumb hurts. How am I going to explain that to my friends?
Anyways, I first see my general doctor late Sept. He comes into the room, I tell him my problem and he starts feeling my thumb and I swear to God, he says, "What is that?" What is that!!!! 'What is that?' Is not a term I want my doctor to ever say. Jesus Christ I don't even know why I keep him as my preferred physician. All her ever tells me to do is take some aspirin or ibuprofen. Look Doc, I think I could do that without having to make a co-pay. I'm sure if it got to the point of me coming to your office, the aspirin strategy probably is not working. Time to Doogie Howzer it....STAT!
How come you only here STAT in hospitals? What do they like own a copyright to it? They're like sooo special that they're the only ones to use it? How come they can't say 'on the fly' like waiters. I'm gonna need 5 cc of duibalium and an order of onion rings on the fly.
I guess I deserve a doctor like the one I got. I mean what can you expect from 'Crazy Rafael's Family Practice and Tires'? Anyways, he refers me to a pretty good Orthopedist and I got two new tires at an unbelievable low price. .
I had the elliptical wedge removed from my left thumb. I was given two options: local anesthesia or an IV and cocktail that'll knock me out. I asked what's the fastest and he tells me the local anesthesia...I take option 1, and surprisingly the surgery was only like 20 min, but the checkout time, where they do paperwork before they release you, was like 40 min...I could've used the IV and cocktail there. Anyways, the problem has been removed and the wedge will be sent to a Pathologist and I should find out what the hell that thing was in a couple of weeks. So my left hand is handicapped...Lucky I'm right handed, right fellas? Oh yeah! You know what I mean.
Just got the stitches out yesterday.... Doctor's are weird, he's asking me all these questions as he's ripping nylon thread from my thumb. Jesus, does he really think I'll answer him. He's trying to ask me how my day is going while I'm trying to block out the pain. He tells me beforehand it'll just feel like a paper cut. Guess what Doc....paper cuts FUCKIN HURT!
He tells me the problem was called a globular tumor...or something with a 'G'. Its where a few blood vessels get all whacked up and form this pearl under the skin. He said it usually occurs in the fingertips...it's a rare case when one gets it in the thumb. So you know what he's saying right....'Man you can't even get a globular tumor right.' Yeah I know...next time I go in there he'll tell me I have cancer of the left shoe. "Michael....you have cancer of the left shoe. That's right, the area infected is the synthetic leather upper with internal ghille lacing...on sale for $99.99."
I wanna be a doctor...just so I can stick needles in people's butts. I can see it now.
'But doctor...aren't you a dentist?'
'I know what I'm doing...now bend over STAT...this'll just feel like a papercut.'
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-11-05 10:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehehe. (Except the toaster bit.)
Submitted by Yes at 2003-11-04 22:44:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha... but about the toaster thing, I've read that same thing a lot and it bothers me. Have you ever had to make toast for 6 people? when you set the dial to where you want it, it sets the toaster to pop up the toast when it reaches a certain temp. now after your first pieces pop up your toaster is hot inside (stick your tounge in to test - but be sure to unplug it first), you still need to make 10 more pieces of toast but when you push the lever down it just pops right back up because it is hot. still with me? okay, so now in order to make your next pieces of toast you need to up the dial a bit, or it won't toast your bread. eventually you'll have to have the dial all the way up to even warm the bred, much less TOAST it. There.
and then there is frozen stuff that you warm in the toaster, for those it has to be pretty fucking hot. yeah.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2003-11-04 22:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Entertaining...feel like I've read the toaster rumination somewhere before though??