UberPulp: The Case of The Low Sodium Monkey - Chapter 7 (1005 hits)
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Rating: 1.78 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-05 13:26:58 EST
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WARNING! I posted chapter 6 of UberPulp last night after most people had gone home from work, and I think a lot of people missed it. If you did, follow the link and go read that first, or this chapter won't make any sense at all. A lot of people will think this chapter doesn't make any sense anyway... but some people will get exactly what I did.
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Chapter 1: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062702524190111288
Chapter 2: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106279150872631075
Chapter 3: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106331690370703821
Chapter 4: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065471797788624932
Chapter 5: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065635783328910833
Chapter 6: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106798543396205440
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Chinatown.
A chaotic array of back alleys, small markets, and... uh... chinese people. They say a man can be born, live, and die in Chinatown without ever leaving its borders and he will have no regrets. Actually, I just made that up.
As we got off the El train I relaxed just a little. Chinatown was Cilfone's weak point. He had never made much of an inroad into organized crime here.
Of course, I wasn't going to take any chances.
"Follow me Loren, and stick close."
"Where are we going?" she asked.
"Into the alleyways. I know Chinatown like the back of my hand. It's safer there, trust me."
We slid past a small fish market and into the heart of Chinatown. After ten minutes, Loren had begun to lose patience.
"We're lost, aren't we?" she asked angrily.
"Relax, kid. I know what I'm doing."
"Then why have we been through this alleyway twice?"
I smiled. "I'm trying to make sure we're not being followed."
One advantage of being in the detective business is that once you've spotted someone tailing you and your client knows it, you can use it as an excuse as many times as you like. The dame was right though. I was as lost as a midget in a hedge maze.
We came to an intersection, and turned left. And stopped dead. A large Peterbilt tractor trailer was blocking our way.
"Razor?"
"Yeah, what?"
"How did that truck get back into these alleyways?"
DONNNGGG. A low, mournful note was struck, the kind of noise that comes from someone hitting a gong. I turned around and looked back into the alleyway.
"Loren, follow me RIGHT NOW!"
"Wha?" she began to ask, but I grabbed her arm and we ducked into the cover of a doorway.
A dozen armed chinamen strode by, dressed in blue turbans.
"Razor, what is that?" Loren whispered.
"Hatchets and cleavers."
"What?"
"A fighting tong. They're Suey Sings. It looks like a funeral."
"What in the..." she began.
I put my hand over her mouth.
"Listen," I whispered fiercely, "these aren't teenagers. These men are trained warriors, and they will kill us dead if we interrupt their funeral procession."
She paled visibly and pointed down the alley in the other direction. I looked. This situation had just gone from bad to worse. Another troupe of armed men, dressed differently, were approaching the funeral.
"Oh, no. It's the Bing Kong."
"What?"
"The sworn enemy of the Suey Sings. This could get ugly fast."
If someone tells you that you've never lived until you've huddled in a doorway fifteen feet away from a Chinese gang fight, smack them. As cool as martial arts may be on TV, well ok they're still cool no matter what, but damn it's scary. I wished briefly that Loki had come with us.
Suddenly three men rose from out of the ground, lightning dancing from their fingertips. The situation had just gone from bad to... really bad.
"Razor... that man... he just shot lighting from his hand!"
"It's the Three Storms! RUN!"
I grabbed Loren's hand and dragged her after me, no longer caring if we were seen. Hiding in a doorframe isn't much use if a building falls on you.
We ran, crashing blindly through alleys, until our muscles were pumping battery acid and I got tired of stealing lines from Fight Club.
We emerged into the streets breathing hard. After resting for a moment, we found our way to the Emperor's Choice.
As we entered, my hackles raised immediately. The restaurant was strangely empty for dinnertime. Only one guest was sitting down to eat. As we walked in, she jumped up, exclaiming "This doesn't taste good at all!"
She stormed out of the restaurant, and the maitre'd sighed.
"Ah... two for dinnah?" he asked, a strained look on his face.
"Sorry. I'm just here to speak to your chef Yes, if that is possible."
"Ah... one moment. I send him out for you."
He disappeared into the kitchen and I relaxed. This place wasn't suspicious... the food just sucked.
A moment later Yes came striding out of the kitchen, carrying a large chunk of rotten cheese and what appeared to be a shoe that had been chewed upon by a teething carnivore of some kind.
"Who are you and what do you want? I'm in the middle of working on a master recipe!"
I'm not one to ask questions. Actually I am, that's my job, but I didn't want to know what the hell he was going to make with those ingredients.
"I'm looking for Rick Manfre."
Yes glared at me impatiently. "So go to his house. What do I look like, his mother?"
"I was hoping you could tell me where he lives. It's urgent."
"Bah! A waste of my time."
Yes grabbed a checkpad from the maitre'd and scribbled out some directions, folded them up, and handed them to me. Before I could thank him, he stormed back to the kitchen, mumbling something about people interfering with an artist at work.
Back out in the streets, I opened up the directions. This is what I saw:
YES'S DIRECTIONS THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL:
Test drive at least three cars. If you already own one, that doesn't matter. It really pisses off car salesmen if you test drive and leave.
Drive to New Orleans. Participate in Mardi Gras. If it's the wrong time of year, wait. Fat Tuesday will be there before you know it.
Sell your car to a Creole witch in exchange for the heart of a bull. Discard the bull heart and steal the witch's wallet. If she curses you, that's not my fault.
Use the money to buy a plane ticket to O'Hare airport.Take a taxi to Hyde Park. Remember to buy a gun as you'll be on the South Side. He lives in a shitty apartment in the Vista Homes Building on South Stony Island Avenue, 14G
There.
"Well?" asked Loren.
"We're going to the South Side, toots."
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Homage:
User Reviews
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2003-12-11 23:35:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Quite possibly. I have no idea how long ago this one was written... but I stopped ubering for a while there, and when I came back there were about 3 new chapters.... and I thought maybe I should rate one instead of just reading and chuckling to myself.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-11 23:27:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is that a hint that I need to start working on Uberpulp again?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2003-12-09 01:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the reason I come back here. I haven't posted anything for ages, and quite honestly that doesn't matter. All that matters is UberPulp, and it is great. All hail
Submitted by Bloodshed (user info) at 2003-11-20 21:38:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loki where you from that has a Jade's?
Submitted by bort_clifone (user info) at 2003-11-15 22:19:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-11-10 04:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to bring in the Yes and leave out the pooper.
Yes, there is a Chinatown in Chicago. It's about three miles straight south of the loop and has its own L stop... going south, it's the stop right before Comiskey Park (home of the White Sox). Hyde Park is a neighborhood a few miles farther south and is home to the Museum of Science and Industry.
I don't know much about Chinatown as was pointed out in Razor's story.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-09 16:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-11-07 23:14:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your installments are so good I'm running out of synonyms for "fantastic".
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-11-06 00:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just saw Big Trouble in Little China last week. I'm glad I did, because your funnies were actually...funny. Nicely done.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-11-05 19:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Even the Chinese are against me.
-- Homer Simpson
The Last Temptation of Homer
Submitted by Yes at 2003-11-05 18:03:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what were you doin with a twix in your mouth loren?...
I rule. this rocks. yeah.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2003-11-05 16:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff, as usual... fight club kicks ass. were you referencing the movie or the book? i know that many of the same lines were used in both, so perhaps a better question would be- have you read the book, or just seen the movie?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-11-05 16:30:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"They say a man can be born, live, and die in Chinatown without ever leaving its borders and he will have no regrets. Actually, I just made that up"
I spit a bit of chewed twix bar onto my keyboard when I read that.
Great. As usual.
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-11-05 16:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, 2 in a row. BTILC is so great!!!! I love that movie!!
Submitted by Apathesia (user info) at 2003-11-05 15:20:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious shit, man. You've got me saying "dames" all the damn time too...which isnt as cool as I would like it to be.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-05 14:35:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fun-tastic stuff
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-11-05 14:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
14G! Yay! Wait, was that all I'm in???
Submitted by SiliconJesus (user info) at 2003-11-05 14:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Big Trouble in Little China is the best movie ever. Well, except, myabe, transformers the movie, which is a piece of cinematic beauty only eclipsed by Fight Club, the best movieI saw, right next to American Beauty, which was better. But, yeah, other then that, it's the greatest movie ever.
This post however, is it the best ever? Close my friend, very close.....
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:59:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes needs to post a picture so that i can make his action figure
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't understand it either, Firefly. I haven't seen Big Trouble in Little China.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:55:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:54:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BTILC, the best movie of all time. Lo Pan is the man.
Anyways, great story. You have a gift for writing.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You will when you see Big Trouble in Little China with me honey.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:48:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo...Bravo.... I love this story....
Keep *it* up Razor.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
idid not understand the part about he chiniese men.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mick- hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:44:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, there is really a Chinatown in Chicago. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking setting this story there, I've had to do so much research on that city to make it work.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait, is there really a Chinatown in Chicago? Do they have jade there, cause I'm only a few states away and normally I can smell jade.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass. Yet again.
There.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are spending an awful lot of time with my wife. you better be a good boy and keep your dickbeaters off her.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought for sure you'd give Phinch a cameo in Chinatown...
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-11-05 13:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha