Return Of The King (1730 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.84 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-11-09 19:03:09 EST
When I moved out of my parents' house, I knew I was going to miss a lot of things. Free food. No rent. No bills. Etc. The one thing I didn't think I would miss though, is the thing that I am now missing the most.
The bathroom. More specifically, the toilet. More specifically yet, the experience that is taking a shit in that bathroom. First, there is the sheer size of the thing. High ceilings. Nice tile floor. A window by the toilet. The magazine rack. The gas fire place right below the window. Many a time through my teenage years, I sat on that toilet looking out the window into the pale blue sky, the crosp outside smells wafting in through the window. When winter would come, I remember the warmth of the fireplace. That bathroom was my sanctuary. A home within in a home. I felt like a king in there, perched on my porcelain throne relieving myself.
Moving out, I forgot all about this. Now, I am daily faced with plastic toilet seats and plastic "ass-gaskets". I worry about contracting sexually transmitted diseases. I lay awake at nights, dreading the moment when I eat too many honey roasted peanuts and have to use the work bathroom. I have vivid nightmares of one too many burritos and the swinging door to the public restroom. I wake up in a sweat, wondering if Worker's Compensation covers ruptured colons.
The bathroom in my apartment itself isn't so bad. A tile floor. A decent sized toilet. I'm the only one who uses it. Not too bad, right? I suppose not. However, I am horribly spoiled. There's no fireplace. And what's worse, NO WINDOW. So I tried to make my bathroom inhabitable. I burn candles on the sink, trying to give myself that fireplace feel. That makes things a little better, but still there is no window. I am enclosed in a white cubicle as I take my daily dump(s).
So I began working on a plan to change that. I left the door open to the bathroom and arranged an overly complex system of mirrors so that I could see outside while taking my daily dump(s). Unfortunately, people could also see in.
Once, my boss invited several of my coworkers and I to a party at his house. He's rather wealthy, so of course instantly it hits me: I'll make use of his toilet. That night, I gorged myself on shrimp cocktails and about halfway through the party went to take my obligatory dump(s).
The bathroom was plush. Window. Tile. Fire place. This was lavatory perfection. I pulled down my pants, sat down on the seat, and was just about to commence taking my dump(s) when I spied a medicine bottle on the sink. Out of sheer curiousity, I decided to have a look. I read the label and was horrified. It was Anal Rash medication.
I ran out of the bathroom crying. My ass had just come into contact with my boss's anal rash. Not to mention whatever other baggage he had.
I shook the episode out of my head like it was a bad dream. I scrubbed my ass with steel wool every time I took a shower for the next week. Fortunately, I hadn't contracted anything.
This weekend, I came home to visit my parents and my brother, who still lives here. The first thing I did was race to the bathroom. It was just as I remembered. The window. The fireplace. Tile. My porcelain throne. I reclaimed my rightful status as king.
I still live in fear during the week. But every once in a while I return home to my beckoning throne and bask in the glory that is my kingdom. All is well.
Except for my brother. Shortly after I returned, he got a bad case of ass rash. No one knows the source of this mysterious rash.
Except for me.
User Reviews
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-01-05 21:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This may be one of your best yet. :o)
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2003-11-16 02:38:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hot shit, i can look out the window when i shit too =)
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-11-16 02:27:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about Bob?
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2003-11-10 03:08:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Retentive.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-11-09 22:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-11-09 21:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is ome funny chit!
Submitted by qmakowski (user info) at 2003-11-09 21:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the king....
and they thought you were dead, HA!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-11-09 21:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hail and well met! The lord has returned!
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-11-09 20:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just go all the way: Hire some old guy in a three button tux to wipe your ass when you're done. Whenever you have a bad day at work, eat some tobasco and Ex-Lax burritos and let fly. Don't worry about cheek splashy, Jeeves'll get it.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-09 20:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm, that would have been the first thing I did.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-11-09 20:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I truly truly envy the glory that is your parents bathroom.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
catscradle is a real dude.
Submitted by Terrapin (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, my parents still have an outdoor lavatory and the dunny cart man still comes a few times a week to clean it out! Always have to mind the redbacks under the seat too!
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:22:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man all you need in that bathroom is a tree and you can have camp-outs in there.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ass-rinser is a bidet.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kristen:
Honeyroasted peanuts go through me like a laser.
Bong:
No marshmellows, though I suppose there's a first time for everything. When I buy a house, I'm redesigning the whole thing around the bathroom. Woodburning fireplace. One of those jets that rinses your ass out with water. The works.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:09:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you ever roast marshmellows while you were in there?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:08:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it...but what does this mean?: *dreading the moment when I eat too many honey roasted peanuts and have to use the work bathroom.*
Why would too many peanuts make you have to go to the bathroom?
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I never knew that toilets could provide such inspiration.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a fireplace in the bathroom? thats living.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-11-09 19:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.