Opposites Day.. (903 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <transcend.ent> (View user info) at 2003-11-17 17:42:40 EST
..or, "How I have unwittingly had my shit ruined"
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1066586010477625420 -- Original
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106892071569686428 -- Sequel?
What can I say, people seem to find this stuff funny, so I'll keep posting it. And before I continue, I challenge Hidden to post some of his shit-ruining stories, as he claims to have enough to fill a book.
For people who have seen either of the above posts (all 11 of you), you'll know that I have the (mis)fortune of ruining other people's days. It isn't usually asked for, but I always seize the opportunities that are put before me, and ruining someone's shit is one of those opportunities. But, as we all know from our time as children, there are such things as 'Opposite Days.' On these days, the outward spiral of my shit-ruining is inverted, and my shit gets ruined on a magnitude measured by the Richter scale. I have had my shit ruined by..
..DEER that travel in packs of five. I live in upstate New York (upstate being more than an hour's drive north of The City) and it's rural. We have cows. We also have deer that roam all around during the fall desperately trying to avoid becoming venison. In my years of driving I have encountered single deer, and pairs of deer, even groups of three or four deer. This is common. So when I'm driving I always keep my foot ready to pounce on the brake to save my precious car. On fine Thursday morning I'm driving along and encounter a deer just standing in the road. I brake and flash him with my high beams and he runs along. I accelerate. And slam on the brakes. Another deer bounds across the road. I say my thanks to the Car God for preserving my vehicle. I accelerate again, but this time scan on both sides for more antlered demons. I spot another pair, and let them cross. Feeling confident I withdraw my thanks to the Car God and let me ego grow as I realize my finesse of slamming my foot onto a pedal is leagues beyond that of some mortal man. But the Car God is a vengeful bitch. And the unheard of fifth deer smashes into my hood and windshield. As an example of how much damage was done, I didn't so much as see the deer, but smelt his ass a few inches from my face. My shit: ruined.
..CARPET CLEANERS that should have some kind of warning on them as to how damned powerful they are. My house is carpeted. Wall-to-wall, 70's style. Yup, it looks like shit, but it came that way and I'm too poor to rip it up to get a new floor layed down. So, when we first bought the house and had it for a few months, my roommate suggests we get a carpet cleaner and.. well.. clean our carpet. I agree, and he goes to get the cleaner. But he doesn't go to Home Depot like a normal person. He finds a supplier of commercial, industrial-strength carpet cleaning machines and rents one from them. I plug it in, pour the chemicals in, and prepare to clean. This thing looks like a floor buffer, and that should've clued me in. Floor buffers are pretty damn powerful, like the jackhammer of the ground cleaning industry. I pull the levers. And I accelerate to about 30 miles per hour. I try to let go but the damned machine has a lock, you have to double press it to turn it off. I can't hold on much longer as the carpet cleaner rampages through my living room. I get tossed off the machine like a kitten riding a mechanical bull. I get slammed into a wall and injure my ribs and break my wrist. The machine destroys my television, sound system, computer desk (including computer) and my recliner. This all in the span of about 2 minutes as I try to tear the plug from the wall. Including the hospital visit, the total came to about $8,000. My shit: ruined.
I'm sure there are more, but this is a pretty hefty post as-is. So, I conclude with the following: a challenge for better (or worse, as the case may be) stories of shit ruining you've been involved in, either what you did to someone, or what someone/something did to you.
User Reviews
Submitted by Disektor (user info) at 2004-05-22 00:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahaha..
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-05-22 00:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-05-20 16:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah you are right, more people should read your stuff. This is really funny.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-12 03:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unless you are one of Uber's favored children...er...longtime users you won't get many reviews no matter what you post. This post is great, far better then any I have seen tonight, and yet lame posts involving Uber users chatting with each other in instant messengers have 50+ reviews...It's the way it works.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-12 03:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2003-11-20 12:34:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe this only got two damned reviews. I appreciate them, I really do.
But now I +2 myself out of spite. Who's gonna complain? No one will even see this. Whhheeeeeeee.
Submitted by antiLemming (user info) at 2003-11-17 19:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that plain sucks. I just keep saying to myself, "Eight grand. Eight grand. Damn... EIGHT. GRAND."
Love your stories, Maddox-esque attitude, but completely justified and better style. Kudos.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-11-17 19:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry, can't compete with that.
but once I was driving through rural VA when a herd of over tweleve deer decided it was time to cross Jefferson-Davis highway. the car was stopped for four minutes while they hopped, ran, and generally spilled over the pavement.