Why I Think "Titanic" Is A Cinematic Classic (4292 hits)
Category: Movies & TVLabels: photoshop camwhore titanic
Rating: 1.63 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-18 00:36:24 EST
If there's one thing that America doesn't have enough of, it's three and a half hour epic movies that combine sappy love stories with misrepresentations of actual historical events.
Sure, we've had Pearl Harbor, Blackhawk Down, Thirteen Days, and Tupac: Resurrection, but nothing compares to the movie that started it all. From the bare breasts of Kate Winslet to the devilishly charming smile of Leonardo DiCaprio, there is one movie that never fails to remind me just how wonderful film can be.
Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that "Titanic" is a cinematic classic.
Let's start with the old woman and her fancy diamond necklace. First of all, nothing makes a young woman more attractive than seeing what she will look like in eighty years. Nothing. And you can tell the way that the rest of America feels about this when you consider how many times Kate Winslet has gotten top billing or posed in Penthouse since her leading role in Titanic. Young women take note. Britney Spears? She may be considered sexy now, but just imagine how alluring she would be if you could see a picture of what she will look like at the age of 94!
Second, nothing says "cinematic classic" like a budget for a disaster movie that's more than the disaster cost in the first place. Two hundred million dollars of movie means that there's no need to use "props" or "computer graphics" to get your vision across - you can actually build a full sized replica of the original Titanic and then sink it into the ocean! Not only that, but you might as well bring it out to rest next to the original, just to keep true to history. After all, what the hell are you going to do with a replica of the Titanic once the movie's done being filmed? It's not like you can save it for the sequel. Why not have some fun with it? After all, that's what the cinematic classic is really about: fun.
Third, the most important part of a classic is the charm and character of the leading male. Braveheart had its Mel Gibson. Forrest Gump had its Tom Hanks. Patton had its George C. Scott.
We have our Leonardo DiCaprio. Ok, so he's no De Niro, but at least he ends up freezing to death in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Finally, the glue that binds it all together - the music. It worked for Star Wars and Ordinary People. It also worked for Deliverance and Beverly Hills Cop, but that's besides the point. John Williams was busy that week, so we ended up with Celine Dion. You know, the American pop star? Nobody can cap off an American cinematic classic better than someone who is more American than baseball and apple pie - someone like Celine Dion.
What?
She's Canadian?
Ah shit, fuck it. Ok, the movie sucks. But at least Leonardo DiCaprio ends up freezing to death in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
User Reviews
Submitted by chaemiisda (user info) at 2007-02-09 17:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2... as I didn't even have to wait until Britney Spears turns 94 for her to be ugly and trashy...
Submitted by mightyQuin (user info) at 2006-12-03 23:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting idea and well written... only issue is that Deliverance was noted for its lack of musical score. Mostly just rushing water and hillbilly rape sounds.
Submitted by LongestPants (user info) at 2006-12-03 22:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-19 00:53:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am rating this just because no one has in over 2 years.
What the fuck, man...
---
Me, too.
I can't believe Titanic could outgross Star Wars. My only consolation is that Star Wars still made the most money if you count inflation. Back then is was $4 a ticket.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-19 00:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am rating this just because no one has in over 2 years.
What the fuck, man...
Submitted by Legendary_Threat (user info) at 2004-02-04 02:09:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ahh the things i could do with this picture....
Submitted by andras (user info) at 2004-01-23 21:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause i fucking hate titanic AND celine dion (not even gonna bother using caps in those 2
god-awful names)
Submitted by citizenkained (user info) at 2003-12-03 10:36:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the picture.
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-12-01 14:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Pacific Ocean? That seems like a strange way to get from England to New York.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2003-11-25 07:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I missed this one... I cracked up laughing!
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-11-18 23:31:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good, very good
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-11-18 23:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the picture.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2003-11-18 18:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'and americans and canadians once again joined together in one common goal- celine dions tight leather pants.'
-san fransisco mime troupe
i love the facial expression. its reminiscent of that far side where the caption reads '1500 ad- the horse is introduced to america' or something like that, and a horse is pointing off into the distance with exactly the same facial expression as... nevermind. you get my point.
Submitted by Yes at 2003-11-18 16:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Huzzah, huzzah...
Submitted by PinkFuzzyMice (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha
you are my hero
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-11-18 13:42:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Morons, read this:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1069126258650910806
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-11-18 11:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I especially liked when the ship cracked in half and the passengers were falling into the rotar...or how they locked everyone in the lower levels......oh wait, no. I didn't like anything about that movie. In fact I only watched the part where the ship sank and didn't really like that part all that much either.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-18 11:35:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this bart character is a pretty good writter. is he new?
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-11-18 11:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't get it, it isn't funny at all. Just because he created this site doesn't mean you can't give him a negative review. Stop kissing ass and start thinking.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2003-11-18 10:58:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to give you a -2 because I hate this fucking movie, but then i actually read the post. Good stuff
Whos Bart Cilfone, anyway?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-11-18 10:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Leo is SOOOOOO dreamy!
Teeheehee...
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-18 10:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by pseudonym (user info) at 2003-11-18 10:28:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That'll be "ends up freezing to death in the *Atlantic* Ocean" mate.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-11-18 10:17:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Picture file name:
"Flying Bart"
lol
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-11-18 10:16:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good reading.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-11-18 10:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-11-18 09:44:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(+1) for the writing, good show.
(+1) for the photoshop, ditto
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-11-18 09:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-11-18 09:27:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"We have our Leonardo DiCaprio. Ok, so he's no De Niro, but at least he ends up freezing to death in the middle of the Pacific Ocean."
You see, this is why I've always loved this movie. This one scene more than makes up for the parts where stuffy formality dominates, or when we're forced to be witness to a very unfulfilling and unpleasant sex scene. Plus, a guy starts spinning in midair when he gets hit by one of the ship's propellers as he's falling -that's pretty funny!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-18 09:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart is Money!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-18 09:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
alll the uberRegulars rush to rate Bart's review, and kiss his ass doing it.
Bart's posts are almost never worth 1/2 of what they get. It's cool that you created this site, but your still not as good as the regulars.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-11-18 08:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because you brought up a movie no body wants to hear about.
Submitted by orion (user info) at 2003-11-18 06:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-11-18 05:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
king of the world bart, king of the world
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2003-11-18 03:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice to know you can produce on cue Bart. You totally forgot the tired and worn-out caption for the pic. Also, all Titanic movie reviews are required to mention either the nauseating "steamy windows implying sex" scene or the uncomfortable "snob dancing a jig with the poor" scene. Failure to mention either scene when reviewing this film could result in the cancellation of your Celine Dion, Kate Winslet, Leonardo DiCaprio or Titanic fan club membership(s)or the forfeiture of any and all movie memorabilia obtained through membership in said fan clubs. Please rectify this review, with attention to the aforementioned stipulations, immediately or suffer the consequences.
Michelle
Submitted by Whitie (user info) at 2003-11-18 02:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That movie pissed me off, one second I'm hoping Leonardo DiCaprio is going to drown, next I'm hoping he's gonna get shot, but at least he died nice and slow...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart, you're the only guy on here who I'd let draw me wearing this...
...wearing only this.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart, I take my hat off to you sir.
Superb.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, this was funny.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kiss me, bart.
this post is all about fun.
fun.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
**. After all, what the hell are you going to do with a replica of the Titanic once the movie's done being filmed? It's not like you can save it for the sequel. **
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by neomage (user info) at 2003-11-18 01:07:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, I'm ashamed of Celine Dione too. I still consider her more French than Canadian though. But that might just be denial.....
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:59:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff, Bartman.
You spelled his name wrong though. I thought it was "DeCrapio." The best part was His freezing to death, you got that right.
I ruined the movie for a freind of mine when she asked what I thought of it before she had seen it. I told her the boat sinks at the end.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Blackhawk Down was a good 3 hour movie though.
i loved when they all got blown up and also the one where the downed pilots are defending the chopper.
i hated Titanic, it was so fucking boring.
Mad TV did this skit where the ppl that were w/the old woman beat the shit out of her. it was really funny.
oh yea, Shania Twain is Canadian too.
Submitted by governorcommonsense (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
many people hate titanic because it's 3 hours of "her time". I can't say that I like the movie, it wasn't horrible though, like "death to smoochie" or re-runs of "donhue". the pic was a knee slapper
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is why i wrote that post: to read posts like this. hopefully everyone will follow barts stellar lead and the front page will be fertile again.
im looking forward to it.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't comment.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:41:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice ending
huzzah!
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn! that was fast.
and pretty damn good as well.
your no trevor johnson, but it was funny.
Submitted by Miss_Sim (user info) at 2003-11-18 00:40:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bugger it - +2 just for the picture alone.