How to Talk to Your Kids About the Paris Hilton Sex Video (1599 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anjie <anjiekristeena.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-18 11:51:13 EST
I wish I had written this, but sadly someone else got to it first....enjoy.
How to Talk to Your Kids About the Paris Hilton Sex Video
By Bunsen
I'd barely recovered from squinting through the first Paris Hilton sex video (as featured, uh, everywhere) when word on the dirty boulevard that is the internet came down that yet another Paris Hilton sex tape is circulating. This time Paris, former Playmate Nicole Lenz, and (I-barely-remember-him-as-an-MTV-VJ/now-you're-telling-me-he's-an-actor-too?) Simon Rex are featured joining in tripartite sexual congress, activities otherwise known by the technical term "three-way."
Inevitably and regrettably, all of the hubbub surrounding the hotel heiress and her appetite for videotaped coitus will soon reach the computer screens of America's classrooms, language labs, and lightly-supervised, unstructured after-school programs. And it's our responsibility as caretakers to equip the young with the knowledge they need to navigate this tricky time.
To that noble end, please distribute the following information immediately.
1. Start from the Beginning
Explain to your children that when two adults love each other very much, they need a special way to express that love. This explanation need not involve a graphic description of how exactly adults go about expressing their love. But it is important to tell them that when the two people that love each other are a party-girl heiress socialite with an upcoming reality television show and a guy who's been burned by a short-lived marriage to a sexually voracious celebrity who coincidentally also had ties to FOX, sometimes you need to capture that expression of love on video and leak it to the public so that people will know there's nothing wrong with your manhood, okay? If your child is particularly precocious, you may choose to inform him of the merits of bringing a lawsuit against the other participant to make it look as if you didn't pass anything to Page Six or TheSmokingGun.com.
2. Patiently Answer Their Questions
Expect that children are going to have a lot of questions; the period after watching the video is a very confusing time. Matter-of-factly answer their queries about why Rick is leaning against some pillows and rubbing himself while Paris is catting around on the edge of the bed (a guy needs some time to recover when he's going all night), whether it's OK to answer a cellphone call when you're about to be taken from behind (it's not, it kills the mood if it's your parents calling), and why you might leave the television on in the background while taping (watching Ralph and Norton always helps you go longer, get off my back already). Children will appreciate your honesty and patience with their curiosity.
3. Prepare Them for the Future, When You Might Not Be Around
Let's face it, you can't be everywhere with your children to shield them from the realities of modern life. It's better to arm kids with knowledge so that they can make informed decision when you're not there. All of this attention for the Paris tape is going to lead to a flood of sex tapes of other celebrities trying to get their names back onto the public's lips. Let them know which tapes are worth their time -- Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman, yes; Billy Baldwin and the overly-muscular chick with the hyper-thyroidic eyes from "Paradise Hotel," take a pass.
And when it's time for your kids to engage in a little healthy experimentation in front of the camera, let them know that a bed bathed in the gentle, warm glow of candles is cinegraphically more desirable than a grainy, green, night-vision effect. They'll want their tapes to look more like an Adrian Lyne film than a Gulf War smart-bomb video. And don't micromanage on the subject of positions. Your guidance is important, but there are some things that are better left to trial and error.
This is where this came from....
User Reviews
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:19:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mine didn't turn out that great. It's really better to get the girl's permissoin and either hold the camera or set it up somewhere where you can get a good angle. Short of that, it's crap. At least in my experience.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-11-18 14:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Did they turn out any good?
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-11-18 13:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bored is a funny dude..
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-11-18 13:50:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why would a guy do that? Did you think the girl would have said no if you asked?
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-11-18 13:38:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
RB, I did that, too. I felt bad about it later.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-11-18 13:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reallybored, you still have the video?
maybe you should leak it onto uber!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-18 12:23:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once hid a camera when i had sex with an ex. She found it and was not too pleased. DAMN BIG ASS OLD SCHOOL CAMERA!!!
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-11-18 12:02:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I heard it was only the chicks and they were playing with *Toys* and this rex character was just the cameraman. He was in gay porno - its true I've seen it...just don't ask why.
Oh yeah - this info was on the radio this morning. Funny what people are interested in....rich sluts who tape themselves....<hanging head> "guilty."