How to kill someone using a crowbar, a butcher knife, a handsaw, a fireplace poker, a 12-inch bolt, a straight-edge razor, an ax, walking canes, a pool cue and a large salad fork. (13651 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.19 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <deisangua.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-20 11:44:34 EST
For more info: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1069332682559324960#269247
Okay, this can be more simple than it sounds.
First you have to find a victim. If you happen to have a reasonably affluent tenant around, then he or she is a very good choice. You will have most of your supplies readily at hand.
Now, the crucial aspect of using a crowbar, a butcher knife, a handsaw, a fireplace poker, a 12-inch bolt, a straight-edge razor, an ax, walking canes, a pool cue and a large salad fork to kill someone is that you are able to avoid killing your victim straight out, thus ending the fun. Compare it to the speed of murdering someone with an automatic rifle or truck moving at high speeds. If you try it, I gaurantee you'll appreciate the difference immediately.
Let's take these in order, shall we?
The crowbar: It fits well into the bludgeoning category, and can be alternated for puncture wounds if you're feeling particularly creative. If you avoid hitting the head too often or too hard, then you can readily cow your victim with no more than a few blows. Leg shots can incapacitate without killing.
The butcher knife: Stabbing someone to death can take longer than you might think, unless you have the person incapacitated and immediately go for a kill shot. Blood loss that results from striking less lethal zones causes a slower death, and weakens your victim at the same time. So avoid the throat and chest, and you'll be prepared to move on to the next item.
The handsaw: This lovely tool has been a number one choice for the Mafia for along time. It helps to fit bodies into garbage bags. But there is no reason why an imaginative individual cannot say "Ah ha, this can be useful prior to death as well!" If you can, make sure to get pictures of the comical look on your victim's face as he or she stares at the stump that was once their hand. Oh, and save any head removal for the end.
The fireplace poker: Much like the crowbar, it is better used after the crowbar because it is less likely to kill while you are beating your frantic victim down while they desperately try to stump their way towards safety. Remember that they are in a critically wounded state, and you don't want to accidentally kill them before you are done.
The twelve-inch bolt: A great many uses for this one if you happen to have one on hand. It can be great for jamming into open wounds. You can use it to smash in teeth (or other areas). For punching, grip the head of the bolt in a fist, with the threaded rod protruding from between your middle and ring finger; alternately, you can grip it like a knife, but while that may be easier the wounds don 't go quite as deep. Or, if you siply want to humiliate them, shove it up their ass and leave it there.
The straight-edge razor: This is better with salt, but also good for stripping flesh. Especially when you want the victim to be thinking about how they will look if they happen to survive (haha, right), a straight edge razor can be useful for mutilating without killing. Also, as with the butcher's knife, if you are careful to avoid the jugular you won't kill the victim accidentally.
The ax: This usually comes into play if you notice the victim is starting to lose conciousness or sink into total shock. The mere sight of an ax after all the previous torment can shock someone into becoming more aware. Though I personally think an ax is best used for the coup de grace, if you you stay away from the torso or the head, you can still prolong the murder. Lop off a limb or two, but DON'T GET GREEDY.
The walking canes: These things sting like hell. It is recommended that you use these to check if your victim is still responsive, without doing truly lethal damage. Additionally, they can be a fun way of dragging your victim around on the floor while cackling maniacally.
The pool cue: This serves a similar function, but the real point of saving this for last is to get out all that extra rage before you go in for the kill. You need to be calm to clean up evidence (obviously the gentleman from the article is an amateur), so you need to wear yourself out by beating and beating and beating and beating and beating and beating and beating your victim until you are out of strength.
The large salad fork: The eye, ladies and gentlemen. The eye.
I do hope this has been instructive.
User Reviews
Submitted by Jason Freak <Jessica.at.Magicmail.co.za> at 2004-10-19 14:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I would kill someone quick and painless, you know grab him slice him and maybe eat him, dependsd wether I'm hungry. With a butchers knife its easy you hold it up and then come down real wuick, KABOOM, he's dead, you get it. To kill someone is fucken easy! But to get in jail is easier so be carefull. I've been planning for 3 years now and I'm still not ready, email me any quistions about how to not be caught, trust me I know!
Submitted by Musegirl <mattbellamysgirlfriend@hotmail> at 2004-05-18 14:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I followed the directions and it still didn't work. Luckily an anvil fell on the prick.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is my new bible. thank you.
Submitted by K8 at 2004-03-23 05:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice 1, I'll ave 2 do this 1 day!! Maybe Friday!
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-02-24 17:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Is this what geared the A-Team towards years of violence?
Submitted by Ichi <nyk45.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-02-24 17:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really Nice and creative but you forgot the paper-cut in the eyes
Submitted by poop_monkey (user info) at 2004-01-06 20:35:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Why use all that bullshit when I have two strong hands?
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-11-20 13:52:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Interesting.
You neglected to mention sewing needle and thread.
Personally I prefer to sew every orafice shut before I being beating them to a bloody pulp. Mainly because when they crap their pants they cant actually crap and when they try to spit out blood they cant. They end up swallowing it and throwing up and then getting sicker. More torture.
But as far as an amateur goes not a bad write up.
Sledgehammer for ankles. Much like that movie with the guy and the fat bitch. Forget the name.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-11-20 13:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
insane, you saw where he got the idea from, no?
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1069270698454714653
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-11-20 13:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for title
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-11-20 13:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-20 13:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not bad.
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-11-20 12:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice and creative
Submitted by Denis_Leary (user info) at 2003-11-20 12:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, the Devil. Wait, I did that one already. I'm negative 2ing your ass because it didn't make me smile or isn't the kicker of all ass, but I haven't seen better either, and I'm not too sure it was worth reading, so I say Don't bother.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-11-20 12:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You know a lot about this. TOO much if you ask me.
Clever.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-11-20 11:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
reallybored, he didnt post constantly. he made one post, then saw that this was suggested under IDDQD's post (in the replies) and decided to give it a go.
i thought this would be crap, but after reading it and checking his regular ratings, i find it to be non-crap.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-11-20 11:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought for sure that when i suggested this, someone was going to ruin it.
i was wrong.
good post!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-20 11:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 and i didnt read.
STOP POSTING CONSTANTLY. ITS FUCKING ANNOYING.
Submitted by CalebPeterson (user info) at 2003-11-20 11:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Must be Thursday... <checks the day> Yup...