How I Learned Not to Drop the Soap (as requested by iddqd) (9710 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.95 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrinkDDT (View user info) at 2003-11-21 08:57:28 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1069126258650910806
In my lifetime, I'd say I've showered with about 200 different men.
So let's talk about penises. I've showered with 201 penises counting mine, and 402 testicles (give or take here and there). I can't lie--I probably looked directly at 80% of those cocks and balls. Insert standard "I'm not gay but. . " disclaimer. And most of those other guys took a gander at my schlong as well. You have to. You can't shower with your competition and not check to see where you stand. Or hang. Size is a huge deal (hopefully). Size matters, to us and to women too (no matter what those lying bitches say!).
When a hetero male struts into an all-male shower, he's allowed one nanosecond of looking per penis. So if I walk into the shower and there are three guys there, I have three NANOSECONDS to check all three of them out. You've got to be quick! For the rest of the shower, your head and eyes must remain straight forward. This part is important: when you glance down at another man's unit, NEVER EVER look up at his face. This can cause very uncomfortable eye contact or, worse, the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I want to touch on erections in the shower. Wait. Let me rephrase that. Let's discuss what happens when a man gets an erection in an all male shower. If you're in the Army, or on a highschool football team, pray this never happens. You will be beaten thoroughly. Any where else, you'll probably be ok. But for god's sake don't let it happen.
So once you're done comparing your penis to your showering partners', its time to lather up. Be quick about it, and don't forget to wash behind the ears. But don't be too quick. You can't rush an uncomfortable situation like an all male shower. Do dentists rush root canals? No. They'll fuck up your teeth if they do. And if you panic in an all male shower, you put yourself at risk. You might drop the soap. This is the worst thing that could happen, next to getting a boner. Or the best thing that could happen, if you're into that kind of stuff.
When someone drops the soap in an all male shower, a glitch in the matrix occurs. Everything is in slow motion and all noises echo--kind of like game winning free throws in movies such as "Teen Wolf" (which had several male locker room seens. . .if you're into that kind of stuff). You can be rushing to get out of the shower and the soap will simply slip from your grasp. When the bar of soap clatters on the ground and time begins to pass normally again, you'll find that everyone will be staring out you through the rising steam. The guy who drops the soap ALWAYS looks like a deer in the head lights. "What the fuck do I do now?" I'm glad you asked.
First locate the soap. Then, using your dominant foot, slide the soap along the ground until it is almost directly under you. Next, squat. Keep your back straight and slowly bend your knees. If it helps pretend you're at the gym and you have 275 lbs on your back. Also, think about sports. Just think happy thoughts. Manly thoughts. After you secure the soap in your hand, stand up quickly. But not too fast! DAMN IT. What if the blood rushes to your head and you pass out?!! Ever think of that? You could wake up with a shampoo bottle sticking out your ass! So, using a quick, smooth motion, stand up. Continue washing. Move on with your life. And next time, bring some soap on a rope man.
I like to include pictures in all of my posts. But when I tried to smuggle my cell phone into the shower at a nearby gym, my membership was revoked. So, without any further ado, here's a picture of my toilet at home. And you're welcome.
User Reviews
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 08:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Aeneas (user info) at 2006-06-10 18:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding, last time I dropped the soap in the shower I kicked it the whole way home.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2004-11-22 23:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff. Not 2-material for me, but it made me smile.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-11-21 18:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-11-21 17:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2004-09-22 11:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was great dude!
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-08-14 15:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"when you glance down at another man's unit, NEVER EVER look up at his face."
Absolute stitches.
Submitted by wags (user info) at 2004-03-15 21:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When someone drops the soap in an all male shower, a glitch in the matrix occurs.
teeeheeeheee
Submitted by PropaGumby (user info) at 2004-01-01 03:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ayy
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-11-29 12:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Use liquid Soap and a loofah! That's as manly as can be!!! Make sure it's "Body Wash" That smells like flowers and diaper plastic
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-11-29 11:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yea, now i remember, this is why i put up with your post's of complete idiocy.
Submitted by Emily <browneyedgirl123.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-11-24 13:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because the wall is cold! Plus you don't want to go around and putting your rear on random things, you don't know what's been on them before you...
*******
Ahhh... didn't think of that. Man, I'm glad I've never had to deal with public showers.
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:23:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great! But I still think Phinch's was the best so far.
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2003-11-24 09:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Why not just sort of maneuver it so it's close to you to the point you can safely turn yourself so your bum is facing the wall? When bending over, just press your rear against the wall, grab the soap, straighten yourself, and resume."
Because the wall is cold! Plus you don't want to go around and putting your rear on random things, you don't know what's been on them before you...
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2003-11-24 02:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck I hate public showers.
Submitted by InSaNeSna1L (user info) at 2003-11-23 22:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha....that was fuckin funny man...
perhaps liquid soap would be a good choice
Submitted by Confusion (user info) at 2003-11-23 22:43:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hur Hur Hur...
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-11-23 01:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why not just sort of maneuver it so it's close to you to the point you can safely turn yourself so your bum is facing the wall? When bending over, just press your rear against the wall, grab the soap, straighten yourself, and resume.
Or... the soap on the rope works too.
Still a good post.
Submitted by quislingite (user info) at 2003-11-23 00:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent advice...I'm sure many men are now a lot better off because of your post ;)
Good job
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-11-23 00:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by settle (user info) at 2003-11-23 00:07:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-11-22 19:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post sucks.
just kidding, it's awesome.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-11-22 19:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the rest of the shower, your head and eyes must remain straight forward. This part is important: when you glance down at another man's unit, NEVER EVER look up at his face. This can cause very uncomfortable eye contact or, worse, the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
_________________________________
hahahahahahahhaha
funny as hell.
i would just leave the soap.
dignity is more important than $1.00
Submitted by natedawg (user info) at 2003-11-22 16:22:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you drop the soap in one of these situations , leave it.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-11-22 02:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-11-21 21:12:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
by the way, why were you banned?
Because for a while, he was being a little shit. Now he's gone all homoerotic and everyone wants a piece of Drink's tight white ass.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-11-22 02:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucker of all ass.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-11-22 02:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
glad to see you did exactly as well as i hoped.
what a fucking kick-arse post.
Submitted by UltraJesus4000 (user info) at 2003-11-21 22:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-11-21 21:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
by the way, why were you banned?
Submitted by mox9 (user info) at 2003-11-21 20:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-21 19:58:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Systematicevil (user info) at 2003-11-21 16:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!!!
Submitted by XAcidl3urN (user info) at 2003-11-21 15:32:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCKING SHIT man! no THIS was the funniest thing i've read on uber today...jesus christ wow!
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2003-11-21 15:20:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I want to touch on erections in the shower."
I had to read that part twice.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-11-21 15:09:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-11-21 14:54:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I congratulate DrinkDDT for an excellent written post
and thanks iddqd for giving him the idea!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2003-11-21 13:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes at 2003-11-21 12:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
on a scale from 1 to 10 you are a..... totally awesome.
drink was banned but then he repented and now he is back, been back for quite a while...
Submitted by Velouria at 2003-11-21 12:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm new here, but I thought you were the uber member that was banned. Regardless, this is hilarious.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-11-21 12:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-11-21 12:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-11-21 11:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I want to touch on erections in the shower. Wait. Let me rephrase that."
that was the single funniest thing i've read in a good couple of days.
boredatwork material?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-21 11:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo!
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2003-11-21 11:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I want to touch on erections in the shower." Does that happen? I can see how that would not be a good thing in an all-male shower.
Submitted by Kris (user info) at 2003-11-21 11:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great! Thanks for a great start to a boring day.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-11-21 11:28:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe!
You've got a fluffy toilet seat cover (yes I am a woman, that would be why I noticed).
Good post!
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-11-21 11:21:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, what they said.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-11-21 11:14:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guys need to start using body wash and poufs.
---------------------------------------------------------
If i ever walk into a men's room shower and some guy is using a body wash and a pouf, im going to impale him on a showerhead.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another day of my co-workers wondering whats so funny about my accounting software, tryng to figure why i'm laughing at my computer.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Guys need to start using body wash and poufs. It may be girly, but it is so much better than a swiping your ass with a nasty piece of soap with pubes sticking out, and then washing the rest of your body with with it.
Submitted by Kristyswan (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor men... although this was hilarious. I'll be surprised if Bart doesn't put it up on Boredatwork.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Men and your crazy penises. Another reason I'm glad I don't have one, not that there aren't a million other reasons it would be a woman with a penis.
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:05:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious! Man it must be tough being a guy!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-11-21 10:04:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:25:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+4 because I read that twice it was so funny
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You funny bastard. You should get some kind of award.
And not another condom for your uniform.
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"But not too fast! DAMN IT. What if the blood rushes to your head and you pass out?!! Ever think of that?"
Nice work, I hadn't thought of that.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"What if the blood rushes to your head and you pass out?!! Ever think of that? You could wake up with a shampoo bottle sticking out your ass!"
It's great to have you back, Tim.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:18:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey nice potty.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough.
Submitted by Magno (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:13:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Soap on a rope...arguably one of mankinds greatest achievements.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the kind of post I want as an eye-openner in the morning.
Well, either a post like that or a shot of JD.
Fucking Beautiful.
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you kick ass!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-11-21 09:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!