Fire...Bad... (667 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <lil_lana.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-24 12:04:03 EST
It's Tuesday night and it's the first night Eric's going to come over to my place. I was excited all day. The night before I made sure the apartment was totally clean ... or at least as clean as I could make it with the puppy loose all day. The plan was since we both had to work late that we wouldn't do a dinner or anything, just watch a movie and then call it a night.
As I left work I went to the store to pick up cigarettes and I thought maybe it'd be nice to get something to drink and to actually utilize my gorgeous fireplace. That's one of the things I really love about my apartment. It has 25 foot ceilings and the wall that the fireplace is on is all brick. It also has a semi-sunken living room, so when you walk in the front door you have the choice of heading straight into the kitchen or going to the right and down some stairs into the living room.
Well since I wasn't born with a penis and I didn't get my Girl Scout fire building badge - I'm not good at building fires from scratch. So I did what I thought would make sense and I bought one of those cheap burning fire logs. I figured if I started it early enough, the fire would be roaring and by the time he got there he wouldn't even notice that it wasn't real. I even got one of those crackling ones for the added touch.
I get home from work and get ready for the "routine". I have to change my clothes, wash my face, re-do my makeup and re-do my hair... all without making it look "done". Oh shit. I forgot to take the dog out. He pissed all over the floor. Now I have to mop the floor. I mop the floor and go back to my "routine". I run out into the kitchen to grab my makeup bag and squish... I step right into the wet puddle that I just mopped. Now I have to change my socks - the night continues like this. I finally make it through and open the flu to start the fire. I throw the log into there and light it.
I sit on the couch and start watching TV just waiting for him to show up. About a half an hour later he arrives and it's nice and fun and all that comes along with it.... And then he coughs. "Are you cooking something?" Oh great - now he thinks I'm a bad cook. "No I'm not why?" - "Uh... Something's burning".
I look around and notice that smoke is billowing out of the fireplace! I had been sitting on the couch in the family room and the smoke was going over my head so I didn't notice it! I must've not had the flu open! I grab my oven mitt and run to open the flu - nothing. It's jammed. So then I think "ok self. Stop the fire. Put out the burning log". I grab some water and pour it onto the burning log. BAD IDEA. More smoke than I've ever seen instantly starts streaming out of the log... and it's still burning!
I run around looking for a fan which I know I don't have. I grab the dog and put him on his leash so I can open the door without him running away. I open the only two windows that actually open in my apartment and turn on my great little oven fan. You know the one above the burner that makes a noise like it's a fan but it doesn't really do anything? Yea - that one. I give Eric the dog and have him take him outside while I keep trying to put out the burning log. I end up pouring more water on it and breaking it up with a fire poker. Why won't it stop?! I do this for a good 10 minutes and it finally goes out. I go and stand outside with Eric and Joey (the puppy) and I can see smoke just streaming out of the apartment.
Luckily, Eric doesn't think I'm a complete idiot and the fire smell is almost completely out of the place.
I don't think I'll be starting any more fires this winter though.
User Reviews
Submitted by Killer (user info) at 2004-02-11 19:54:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you tried the video that looks and sounds like a fire right on your TV....maybe next time.LMAO!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-02-10 20:53:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure I've read this before. Why didn't I rate then? Good stuff, Alana.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-02-02 15:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
silly LaNa, playing with fire. That's LaNa for you. You know how she is.
Submitted by cchero (user info) at 2004-01-15 00:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff - Funny title...
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2003-11-24 20:49:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha... almost burned your shit down. That poor guy. What if he really liked you? Now, everytime he looks at you.. he's gonna wonder if he should invite you to his place. You may burn the place down.
On a different/related note, you don't sound dumb on the phone. You actually sound kinda cute. You should send me pictures.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-11-24 15:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by LaNa (user info) at 2003-11-24 14:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This reminds me of that Clueless movie. She puts a log in the oven or something.
(I actually know exactly what happens, but i add the "or something" so i didnt look like a fag for watching Clueless)
-----------------------------------
Nice try RB... but you borrowed my copy of Clueless 6 months ago and I still haven't gotten it back!
I'm going to start charging interest like Blockbuster!
~LaNa :)
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-11-24 13:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least it didn't turn out so bad.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im with Manfre on this one. If the girl i was coming to see almost lite her apartment on fire, i would sit around and laugh my ass off.
Nice work!
This reminds me of that Clueless movie. She puts a log in the oven or something.
(I actually know exactly what happens, but i add the "or something" so i didnt look like a fag for watching Clueless)
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I woulda stood back and watched if I were him too.
Always ALWAYS make sure the flue is open.
I woulda actually been on the floor rolling with laughter as the flames licked at my flamable shirt and laughed even harder.
Submitted by LaNa (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phinch he did help by taking the dog out... but I guess you're right looking back on things. He was all too happy to just stand back and watch.
Maybe he felt weird because it wasn't his place? Hmm... I don't know
~LaNa
Submitted by bonus (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Christ that was inane.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:19:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Good stuff.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why didn't he help you?
Submitted by LaNa (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You've taught me well oh great one.
*bow'n*
~LaNa :)
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-11-24 12:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Good stuff. My protégé is coming into her own. I especially like this:
"I open the only two windows that actually open in my apartment and turn on my great little oven fan. You know the one above the burner that makes a noise like it's a fan but it doesn't really do anything?"
I so remember that fan!