What. The. Fuck (436 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by El Fucking Guapo (View user info) at 2003-11-27 14:09:37 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1069332682559324960
hmm, so i had a bit of trouble writing this one. i thought of a funny anecdote, perhaps something serious, but really wanted to stray from my typical WTF type posts. trouble with that idea was that i was drawing blanks as for what to write about. until last night at least.
so anyway, last night i had been drinking with my brother and playing videogames, decided i was gonna watch a movie or something and ended up watching 1984. by the time the movie was over i was, well, quite buzzed.
so i sat there mildly drunk contemplating the complex themes and subtext of the movie (can you have subtext in a movie? even a screen adaption?) and was mulling over the ideal that love conquers all. next thing i know, i'm thinking about my ex. no.....not thinking about, LAMENTING. suddenly i'm sitting there, head filled with memories of when we were happy, vividly remembering her smile, her beautiful red hair, her smoothe, creamy pale skin. the way she smells, how beautiful her naked body looks. how great it once felt to come home from a long day at work and have her hug me. the times when we could sit and just stare in each other's eyes for what seemed forever. the night i asked her to marry me. the look in her eyes and on her face when she said yes.
BAM! i start to snap back into reality, as if thrust into consciousness from a dream.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
i HATE her, why am i thinking about this? it's been almost a year since we split up, and 9 months since we have lived together. after all the shit she put me through, how, why in the holy fuck am i thinking about this shit, ESPECIALLY so fondly? i haven't forgotten any of the bad things, the years of her being unemployed and unmotivated to even try to find a job. after all, i was paying the bills, we weren't homeless or anything, just short thousands of dollars we could have had if she had been working. it's not like she was disabled. her dislike for nearly every single one of my friends which grew into baseless hatred of people she hardly knew, since she never bothered to even TRY and get to know most of them very well. her refusal to try and be a part of my family, and insistence that i be a part of hers (and a mighty fucked up one at that.) or the night she called cops on me to try and have me thrown out of the apartment I had been paying for entirely, because she found out that I had started seeing someone else and had gone to mardi gras with her. at that point we had been broken up for about 3 months, but she still lived with me since she had only finally found a fulltime job the week before. i also had just gotten home from the airport after 6 gruelling days in new orleans, and all i really wanted to do was take a shower and sleep in my own bed. since the cops couldn't legally throw me out, seeing how i lived there and paid all the bills, she threatened to call them and say that i hit her. in texas, that means you go straight to jail. do not pass GO. do not collect $200. she once tried to cheat on me with a friend of mine, who shot her down. the news of that, despite being after the fact, crushed me. she would sit there and bitch about money and whine about me not spend enough time with her, even though i was working fulltime with a 1 hour ONE WAY commute and going to school 12 hrs a week. oh yeah, my car was dead during most of that time as well ( http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=105753214085237610 ), so i was taking busses and the train. the days i had class (tues and thur, sat was 8 hours of class) were 17 hour days. on days i just worked i left the apartment at 5:45am, and did not get home til 5:30pm, thanks to public transit. and she couldnt' be bothered to ride a bus half a mile to even LOOK for a job. yet she would bitch about not having much money constantly. shit, all that is the tip of the iceberg man. i could write another post 4 times this long and not even cover all of it.
Yet i'm still looking at the past with rose-colored glasses, fondly lamenting how things were. what the holy fuck is wrong with me. i nearly broke into tears a couple times while i was thinking about it. eventually i shrugged it off and went to bed, dismissing it as the result of too much beer and holiday cheer.
but no, i've still been thinking about it. WHY?? i can't think of a logical fucking reason i would think about her at all, especially after watching 1984, and even more especially because i have more than enough reason to hate her no matter HOW happy we were at one point.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
(i think this has a large part in why i feel this way)
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Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-11-27 14:10:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
MOTHER FUCKER WHY IS THE GODDAMN JPG NOT SHOWING UP AND WHY ARE MY FUCKING POSTS NOT APPEARING ON THE FUCKING FRONT MOTHERFUCKING PAGE.