Shitting in a tractor tire. (1278 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.83 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jason McGahen <magoo_ad.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-11-30 12:24:54 EST
As I stated in a previous post, I spent some time in Germany. The major pastime of soldiers in Germany is drinking, this is a story of that.
Mitch, Alan, Todd, Marc, Julio, Jim and I all decided that we were going to see a cover band play in a small town about 30 minutes from post. Now there are a ton of German cover bands that mostly play current, popular American music. Which is pretty cool considering how hard it is to catch a good American band in Germany.
Now a little background on my group of friends, Mitch is a tall lanky white dude from Georgia, funny as hell and easy to get along with, constantly knocking heads with his ex wife who was stationed on the same post as us. Alan, another tall lanky easy to get along with white dude from St. Louis, it could be said that Alan was my best friend, if that's how you define friends, he and I were friends for a good long time before everyone else joined the group, but that doesn't mean that the rest are any less of friends by any means. Todd, shorter stocky kinda crazy looking white dude from Washington State, into all kinds of adrenaline junky kind of stuff, most notably motocross. He spent some time in the Krankenhaus(hospital) after his Yamaha landed on him instead of the other way around, I also vividly remember him crawling from the bed of a Dodge Dakota, over the cab and onto the hood, all while we were doing better than 120mph on the autobahn. He also talked in kind of a chewbacca way, you'd have to hear it to understand. Marc, he and I went to basic, ait and eod school together, we were in the same units our whole time in the Army, Marc was about my size, (5' 11") but a little stockier, he spent most of his free time in the gym. Marc was one stubborn son of a bitch. He once slept on the streets because he said he knew a quicker way to the car from the bar that we were at than Alan and I did. Well his drunk ass couldn't find the car, and our semi drunk asses couldn't find him. So we went home. They say you never leave a man behind? Well your veiws of loyalty are kind of skewed after a few hours of drinking. Julio, skinny hispanic dude from Nicauragua(sp?), from a well to do family, he joined the Army to get his US citizenship and for the fun of it I guess, he rode motocross with Todd, He let me borrow his bike one day so I could ride with Todd and it came back with about $500 worth of damage. And finally Jim, Jim was older than most of us and I can't really remember where he was from, but he was one cool ass guy. He was a medic, so some days when I had a really bad hangover, I'd walk down the hall to his room and he'd hook me up with an IV, belive me after a couple of bags of fluids directly injected into your system, you begin to feel better fast. Ok now to the story. Oh and me, Jason I'm half Korean, and from PA.
It was my turn to be the designated driver, which really sucks, cause I still remember that I really wanted to drink that night. Wait.... I wanted to drink every night so I guess that, that's not that notable. We all pile into Julio's 4runner, we all had cars but Julio's was the only one we could pack that many people into. "Why not take two cars?" you may ask. Well if you take two cars then you need to have two sober people, and it's hard enought to convice one guy that it's his turn to drive.
After about an hour of driving this way and that looking for where this band is playing, we finally stop and ask for directions. Yes it took an hour for us to decide to ask for directions, you may be forgetting that this is a car full of dudes, there was no female influence forcing us to stop and ask earlier. We came to find out that the show was in the middle of a field in a fest tent. We show up and the first thing we notice is that it's mostly all bikers attending this thing. This is not as bad as you may think, the average German biker is more likely to be an accountant than some huge bearded thug.
Everyone spreads out and starts driking, watching/listening to the band, and most of all, talking to the chicks. The whole time I'm walking around making sure that no one is going to get themselves killed or anything, which is more likely to happen with this group of guys than one would think. At around 1am I kinda noticed that I hadn't seen Alan for a few hours. This didn't strike me as odd at first, because I remembered him hitting on a hottie earlier in the night and I figured he and her went off for some "alone" time. Well 2am rolls around and the band is packing up, the bar is closed and I am ready to go, so is everyone else, it got kind of chilly during the night, and everyone was sitting around the huge bonfire keeping warm and cursing Alan.
I walked all over the fucking place to look for him, I even drove to the nearby town to see if he passed out on a park bench or something, I came back, Yelled at Todd and Mitch and told them it wasn't a good idea to try to steal one of the bikes. They reluctantly agreed. Todd decides he needs to piss, he walks over to the slat board fence that has been serving as a urinal for the guys during the night, and decides he wants to see if he can piss over the fence, which was about four feet high, he succeeds, and is rewarded with the distinctive sound of urine hitting clothing. He looks over the fence and lo and behold there's Alan, passed out on a tractor tire sitting up with his pants and boxers around his ankles.
Turns out that earlier in the night, super smashed Alan needed to take a dump, we jumped the fence, dropped his pants sat on the tire and let the deuce drop, and passed out somewhere in the process. When I say that Alan was trashed, I mean he was TRASHED, he had just seperated from his wife earlier that week and wanted to get fucked up with the guys. Mission accomplished.
Todd ran back to the tent and found some napkins so Alan could wipe his ass. By now he had sobered up a bit, but still needed help walking, he said he was cold, which isn't hard to imagine. So we brought him back to the fire and warmed him up before we took off. Little did I know that Mitch and Todd had stolen about 5 motorcycle helmets and a couple tents from some bikers during the course of the night. We all went home, and met up for brunch the next day at the dining facility, as was our custom and discussed the previous nights events.
That night became forever known as "The night that Alan got really drunk and passed out shitting on a tractor tire night".
User Reviews
Submitted by spcrtp (user info) at 2004-03-14 09:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Where in germany?
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-31 18:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff...
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dominaria1988 (user info) at 2003-12-08 09:57:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey bravo read this for retard:
D N T R P H
O ' D O T E
SOAP
Have a noce day suds
Submitted by PropaGumby (user info) at 2003-12-01 16:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ur ghey dood
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2003-11-30 21:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-11-30 20:36:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ditto
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-30 20:19:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Definitely worth the "long" read.
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2003-11-30 18:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry I couln't compact this story into a 30 second segment to match your childishly short attention span.
Submitted by IIlllllIll (user info) at 2003-11-30 17:16:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
god poeple stop posting these long posts!!! dont you know poeple dont read them???
Submitted by LexLutherin (user info) at 2003-11-30 17:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2003-11-30 15:59:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
cool: i look forward to going to german biker shows now...
Just make sure you keep track of your friends. We wouldn't want a repeat of this tragic event.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2003-11-30 15:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool: i look forward to going to german biker shows now...
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-11-30 15:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy's good.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2003-11-30 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha!!
reminds me of this:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106522831258123439
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2003-11-30 12:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This story rocks!