STDs are A-OK ! Pt. 2 " My first love Gonorrhea " (1140 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by tittytwister (View user info) at 2003-12-01 14:24:43 EST
Part 1 (The Clap): http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1069708703300424511
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Gonorrhea
Women's Symptoms:
- Appear 2 days to 3 weeks after infection
- Cervical: thick discharge, redness, small bumps, pus, or signs of erosion on cervix ,which you can check by examining yourself with a speculum. ( "Honey have you seen my speculum? I think my cervix is eroding again" )
- Most women are asymptomatic and many symptoms are mild or can be confused with other conditions. (Conditions like death.)
- Urethra: if infected, may have painful urination or burning
- Uterus and fallopian tubes: pain on one or both sides of the lower abdomen, vomiting, fever, and/or irregular periods (Id vomit too if my cervix was eroding.)
- Throat: soreness or swollen glands (Her throat better be sore if she has thick discharge and pus coming out of her snatch.
Men's Symptoms:
- May be asymptomatic ( Fuck yeah ..no dick erosion !)
- Usually a thick, milky discharge from penis and pain or burning during urination ( Sounds like someone has been masturbating a little too much ...ok so its me )
* Sigh * Gonorrhea, my first love.
I remember the first time we met like it like it was yesterday. It was the summer of '85.Regan was president, Back 2 the Future had just hit the theaters, and Eddie Murphy was blowing up the music charts with his smash hit " Party all the Time".
My buddy Richard and I were playing a game of Horse in my driveway, which he was winning as always. ( mother fuckin cheater) It was a brutal match. Richard would shock and awe the crowd ( my dog snickers) with his razzle dazzle layups. While I on the other hand would astonish them with my extraordinary 3 point shooting abilities.
It had come down to the wire, Richard and I both with H-O-R-S. It was my turn , do or die. I decided to go with an unconventional 3pt jump hook.... SWISH!!! ..Nothing but net.. Oh yeah!.. I had this mother fucker now. There is no way he could make this shot...But I was wrong.
"Man fuck you, I was at least 5 feet farther from the basket than you were."
" Oh stop complaining you whiney little bitch, my turn. "
" Screw you,.. you lost asshole"
"Dude wait a sec..."
"Don't Dude me mother fu ..."
"No...Dude..."
"WHAT!!!?"
" Who's that ?... "
*Queue random Marvin Gaye song*
That was when I first saw her, a vision of beauty. It was as if time had stood still. Birds were singing, flowers blossoming, dogs were humping. It was like a fairytale,... or one of those porno's that attempt to have a story line...Man she was breath taking... Now I only may have been 11 years old at the time, but I knew a fine piece of ass when I saw one. And this sir was fine piece of arse!
" Dude ..Where are you going"
"Shut up Richard I'm going to go talk to her"
"Wait ...cant you see she's ...."
But I couldn't hear anything. The only thing I could hear was wedding bells. I knew right then and there, this was the girl I was going to marry.
As I got close to her, her beauty became even more apparent. She was about 4'6 185, hair like gold. Boy she was a looker all right. Getting closer I realized she had a bewildered look on her face. I remember feeling that same way when I first moved into my house. Being the new kid on the block is never fun.
The closer I got, the more nervous I became. When I finally reached her I was completely tongue-tied.
" Errr ...uhhh ....Hi... my name is Mike... What's yours?"
Now I'm not a religious man. But if there is such things as angels, one spoke to me that very day.
"MINE DAME GONOREEA" She replied.
" Ummm ..so ..Uhh ..are you moving in next door?"
"COOKIE MONSTER!!!......RRRRAAAAAARRRRR!!"
"Ok .....Umm ..Me and my friend Richard are playing some basketball at my house. Do you want to come play? "
" Ooobby oobby oou...ear..are..oou?"
"Ok that's fine then.. maybe some other time?"
"POOPIEES!"
"Well...I guess Ill see you around then."
" HE-MAN Da Da Da Dunn "
My God this girl was amazing! I felt like I was walking on cloud 9, I could have taken on the world that day. Beating the shit out of Richard in a game of horse should be a piece of cake.
" Mike what the fuck were you thinking man?"
" Back off Richard, she's mine!"
" Back off?...Yours?.... Dude your fuckin loosin it! "
" What are you talking about, I love her"
" Mike.. I hate to break it to you man, but that girl over there is um .. you know .... Special"
" Your fucking right she's special, I'm going to marry her"
" No no Dude...She's ...Speeeeccciaaall. "
" Uhhhh ...yeah ...I know. That's why I like her."
"....SHE'S RETARTED YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE!"
"Oooohhhh ....ok........No she's Not!"
I didn't talk to Richard much after that day. But Gonorrhea and I, we were inseparable. We would do everything together. We would womanize, we would drink, we made would make outrageous claims, like we invented the question mark. Sometimes, we would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. You know, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
Over the years our love had grown strong. In junior high school we shared out first kiss, and our sophomore in high school we gave ourselves to each other...It was truly a love unlike no other.
But senior year things changed. Mid way through our second semester Gonorrhea was forced to take an extended leave of absence from school. After stabbing the lunch lady in the hand with her fork for giving her string beans (Gonorrhea didn't like string beans), the faculty felt that it would be better if Gonorrhea was home schooled rather than put the other students at risk. That was when problems started to develop.
We would still hang out like as usual, but things were somehow different. I don't know how to explain it ... I guess it was the little things that had changed. No longer would she affectionately lick my face, bite my hand or pull my hair. She didn't even want to play with Legos, eat playdough, or color in her coloring books any more. All she wanted to do is watch the same old Sesame Street re-runs. I don't know whether it was the fact that she wasn't at school anymore and missing her favorite classes like finger painting, and dodge ball, or if it was something that I had done and not known about. Either way it was ruining our relationship. Some thing had to be done.
"Gonny baby. I know that you have been going through some hard times lately, and I just want you to let know that Im here for you , and I love you. But lately I feel like you havent been yourself. Is there something going on that I should know about, or is it something that I..." BAM!!!! Fuckin lights out.
I came too in the hospital about 3 days later. It turned out that Gonorrhea had knocked me unconscious, then beaten me repeatedly about the head and groin area with an E-Z bake oven. We parted ways not too long after that incident. I went off to college, and she spent some time in a mental facility after biting her other neighbor's dog.
It's been 10 years since I last spoke with Gonorrhea. I am now happily married, have two beautiful children, a dog named Snickers number 2, and hold well paying job selling badger milk to circus midgets. Last I heard Gonorrhea had moved to Hollywood with Richard to pursue her life long dream of being He-Man.
Although we had our up and downs, and she did hit me in the face with an oven I will always have feelings for her. To tell you the truth there isn't a day that goes by that I wonder what life would have been like with my first love Gonorrhea.
User Reviews
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-13 17:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
just because i can
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-13 17:49:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"We would womanize, we would drink, we made would make outrageous claims, like we invented the question mark. Sometimes, we would accuse chestnuts of being lazy."
I have heard that before
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-12-01 18:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
weird. i like that line, "invented the question mark" funny
Submitted by jewleeyah <girlracer23.at.asianavenue.com> at 2003-12-01 17:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was as if time had stood still. Birds were singing, flowers blossoming, dogs were humping. It was like a fairytale,... or one of those porno's that attempt to have a story line...Man she was breath taking.."
*****
heheheheheheeeeehee.. you rock lar!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-01 16:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
She was about 4'6 185, hair like gold.
________________
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
but you shouldnt have stole that line from Austin Powers, it wasnt as funny.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-12-01 16:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm confused by the big G being represented by a chick with Down Syndrome, but I've never been first rate on picking up sybolism.
Still funny as all hell.
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-12-01 16:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Have you seen my speculum?" Hee hee. Good times
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2003-12-01 16:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, bravo, this was well fuckin written, and you would be hard pressed to get a +2 from me.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2003-12-01 15:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you ever meet a broad named Crabs, this may help:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16104
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-12-01 15:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
better than the first.
Submitted by mox9 (user info) at 2003-12-01 15:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'I came too in the hospital about 3 days later. It turned out that Gonorrhea had knocked me unconscious, then beaten me repeatedly about the head and groin area with an E-Z bake oven. We parted ways not too long after that incident. I went off to college, and she spent some time in a mental facility after biting her other neighbor's dog.'
-HAHAHA! This stuff is golden...and crazy. This stuff is golden crazy.
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-01 14:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 --- CLASSIC!!!! The tears are still running down my face. I only have one word UDERLYFUCKINGFANTASTIC
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-12-01 14:31:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
We would womanize, we would drink, we made would make outrageous claims, like we invented the question mark. Sometimes, we would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. You know, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
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It was funnier in Austin Powers.