The Legend is False (835 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Meat <meat.at.kitty-hawk.navy.mil> (View user info) at 2003-12-04 02:26:47 EST
I saw with my own eyes. Link, the beloved hero of Hyrule is nothing more than a psychotic murdering bastard! I was minding my own business picking mushrooms in Kokhiri forest about a week ago when I saw rather large body lying on the ground in the distance.
"My god!", I said as I felt the horror run through my body. "Is that person dead?"
I ran over and was able to see that this body belonged to a little boy, probably around 12 or so. I was struck with grief and shock when all of a sudden, the body moved.
"Heeeeeeelp meeee!", squealed the robust kid.
"What's wrong kid? What the hell happened here?"
"It's the green man, he tried to kill me! He's got my friend right now, my friend is mentally challenged and can't walk so me couldn't get away. The Green man said he had a treat for my friend, and my friend slapped his chest and said ... " The poor lad could barely get these words out when he passed out from over-exhaustion.
"The green man?", I thought to myself. "Who the hell is the "green man"?"
I had to think, and think fast. Who is green and would be hanging around Kokhiri forest? It couln't be the little elves that inhabited the forest, because they were retarded and could only circle-jerk with each other around little elf tree stumps, plus the Great Deku Tree didn't take kindly to them when they stepped out of line. Who else could have done it thought? Everyone else who enters the forest turns into a moblin, and moblins would never leave fresh meat like this kid out to rot needlessly.
As swiftly as a ocarina tune flowing through the crisp winds of Hyrule plains my mind had deciphered who the evil mastermind was who was tried to kill this kid. It was without a doubt the running man of Hyrule plains who had gone psychotic from years of wanted to be a bunny rabbit so he could be faster than anyone in the land! He wasn't green, but the bastard hadn't washed in a while (since he was constantly running around Hyrule plains) so his clothes were probably green from rolling around in the grass like the insane murdering rabbit lover he is.
I used a magic Deku leaf to get to the cliff hight atop the forest. I jolted around the corner of jagged edge point, hoping to catch this madman before he would do something horrible to this helpless kid he had in his clutches. What I saw after that I could never convince to you or anyone else as truth. I knew I would have to tell the tale later so I made sure that I could prove exactly who was behind this disastrous act.
I snapped a shot of the "green man" in the act as he pushed the boy over the edge of jagged edge point. I was too late.
"Tough." said the green man. "We can't all be heroes like me!"
I'm going to play Zelda tonight for sure.
User Reviews
Submitted by OBEYnelson (user info) at 2003-12-05 23:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
STALFOS. THEY TURN INTO STALFOS. NOT MOBLINS. fucking biggorons sword...
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2003-12-04 09:29:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you all aware of Zelda: Chronicles for gameCube? It is a disc(s) that has zelda, zelda 2, ocarina of time, and link to the past on it. I tried to buy that shit last night but it didn't come in yet. I don't have windwaker, but I'll probably get it soon. Hopefully it'll go down in price after xmas, because I am a cheap motherfucker.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-04 09:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
zelda was the shiznit when I was about 10 years old. I branched out to watching bdsm and masturbating
Submitted by bob at 2003-12-04 09:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice story
the pic kick ass
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-12-04 07:55:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i play pinball.
Submitted by Lord_Of_The_Strings (user info) at 2003-12-04 07:53:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a fantastic post, picture is genius.
Am I the only one who didn't like the Wind Waker? I didn't like the environment; I actually think it was lazy using the boat so much and making the islands as small as they were. I like the Ocarina of Time style landscape a lot more; even Majora's Mask had a better world map. That is an opinion and might not be the same as yours but I'm still a big Zelda/Link fan.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-12-04 07:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2003-12-04 05:38:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope, you weren't the only one, Herpes. I was worried until Murphy set me straight. There was a minor debate on the merits of various platforms and games. Check it out:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/5581
The Wind Waker deserved special attention and much discussion. So it got it's own link(no pun intended). Cell shading was a concern of many. Check it out:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/5649
Like you, I started playing the game and never looked back.
Michelle
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2003-12-04 05:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I the only one who thought the cel-shading was going to suck? I'm glad I was wrong. The characters, environments, and enemies are flawless. After playing the Wind Waker for so many hours on end,I was too involved in what I was doing to even think twice about how the game looked.
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2003-12-04 05:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zelda Rule's!
and great picture!
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2003-12-04 04:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Link kicks ass.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-12-04 04:08:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace!
Curse that little green man.
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-12-04 03:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should see Link in Soul Calibur II. He is a mean ass bastard. Don't let his looks fool you.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-12-04 03:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a nut bar.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2003-12-04 03:02:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always suspected as much. Link's just way too helpful. He's like the Eddie Haskel of RPGs. "Sure lady, I'd be happy to run around town in the middle of the night to find your dog." What kinda kid does that? A socio-path in the making, that's what kind! And now we have proof!
Kick-Ass story Derek!
Michelle
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-12-04 02:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This brought a tear to my eye.
I love Zelda.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2003-12-04 02:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He should have just thrown the kid into Death Mountain. When the kid hits Hyrule Lake, those pesky Zoras are probably going to save him.
I'll bet Link frames the Gerudo for this.
Submitted by Confusion (user info) at 2003-12-04 02:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2003-12-04 02:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+3 for ridiculiousness of the picture.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-12-04 02:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's too much
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-12-04 02:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
ha
-Tom