Things To Do Before I Die (7999 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-04 11:51:20 EST
You may have heard of a man named John Goddard. http://www.wamware.com/world-religions/life-list.htm
When he was fifteen years old, he compiled a list of things he wanted to do before he died. There were 127 items on the list, and to date he has completed 109 of them. He has hiked the Nile River. He has climbed mountains that most men would turn back from. He has swum in the great coral reefs and made parachute jumps. Which leads me to one conclusion.
He's an unimaginative pussy.
Sure, he may be the only guy around who's done ALL of those things, but there are plenty of people who are around that have done SOME of those things, and none of them are feats no human being has accomplished before.
With that in mind, I decided to sit down and create my own list of things to do before I die. Things that truly push the frontiers of human accomplishment. Things that will send shockwaves rippling through everyone who witnesses these events.
Without further ado:
1. In Maryland, whenever someone says the word snow on the radio, even in the middle of July, there is a run on the grocery stores. It's so bad that people will stock up on shit they wouldn't have even purchased at all otherwise. "Hey, maybe I'll need these six boxes of boullion cubes to survive!" So, I want to wait until there is a blizzard warning and go to the grocery store. While there, I will get seven large cucumbers and $50 worth of Astroglide. I will pick out the youngest female cashier in the store and get in line. When she rings me up, I will attempt to pay for the entire purchase in change. As the line stacks up and tempers get short, we will finally be done counting the money, and it will turn out that I am short. I will then ask the cashier if she can tell me about the comparative value of the generic store brand lubricant versus Astroglide. After all, I'm trying to save money while still getting a quality product.
2. Go into a chinese restaurant wearing a dirty wife beater and sweatpants. Place an order for Cream of Sum Yun Guy. When they tell me there is no such meal, I will tell them that my wife says that she gets it there at least three times a week. I will get more and more irate, even claiming discrimination if neccessary, until someone explains the joke to me. At that point I will totally flip out, demanding to know which chef is fucking my wife until they kick me out.
3. Make a phone call to the Immigration and Naturalization service. Inform them that I am taking a trip to Thailand with the intention of bringing back a Thai hooker to be my love slave. Ask them what it will take to get her a green card, and if they have the number of the IRS because I want to know if I can sell her and claim a business deduction for the price of the plane ticket.
4. Shoot Carrot Top. I don't even think I'd go to jail.
5. Burst into a massage parlor with a toy gun and a fake badge shouting "FBI! Everybody outside now!" Start snapping photographs of people who come out. Offer to sell the camera to anyone who has $1000 cash on them.
6. Go into the poorest section of Baltimore I can find during the winter holiday season, without any shopping areas to draw the middle class. I will put on the worst clothing I own, take a strip of cardboard, and write "Homeless please help." on it. Then I will sit down next to the sign, shaking a change cup. Anyone who gives me change will get a $50 bill until I run out of money from the $1000 I extorted from the guys at the massage parlor.
7. Wait until I am diagnosed with some severe illness or degenerative condition. Come into work the next day completely naked. Sit down at my desk and start working. When people object, I will act confused. Blame it the next day on my condition. See how much severance pay I can get.
8. Go into the most expensive clothing store on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Spend three to four hours with a salesperson picking out tens of thousands of dollars worth of clothing. Get the complete Royal treatment. When it comes time to pay, ask if they have layaway.
9. Sue anyone and everyone that I can think of. "Repressed memories" will suddenly suface, enabling me to sue my childhood Rabbi, my kindergarten teacher, and Desmond Tutu. I will slap suits on McDonalds, Philip Morris, Coca Cola, and anyone who has ever produced a product that I have consumed. I will then request that all the lawsuits be consolidated into one large trial. At the trial I will announce that I was just kidding, and I wanted to gather all my friends together to let them know that I think they are all really swell.
10. Walk up to John Ashcroft and kick him in the fucking nuts. I don't care how old he is when I get around to it, what an asshole.
In all seriousness, this post is a salute to John Goddard. What a life he must have led. Thumbs up big guy.
User Reviews
Submitted by sliver (user info) at 2004-07-15 12:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i like astroglide. hey wait a minute..where is your other eye?
Submitted by Sambuca310 (user info) at 2004-07-15 12:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quite hilarious
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-05-19 07:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work ese!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-18 13:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Michelle, did you read the last line of the post?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-02-08 19:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, John Ashcroft is an asshat.
Submitted by Michelle <bantamx15.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-02-08 18:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You say you've made this list because all of these things are completely original, and I think that's great. Try to do all of these things and have a great time doing them. The only reason I am criticizing this is for your whole basis for this list...you think Josh Goddard is unimaginative and only does things other people have done. This may be true, but just because someone else has done something before, doesn't mean you have. Einstein may have discovered the theory of relativity and millions of others have learned about it, but that doesn't make it any less exciting when I discover it for myself. Thousands of people may have traveled to New Zealand, but that doesn't take away from my own awe at its beauty the first time I go there. Everyone can have whatever experiences they want, and just because someone else has had that experience, YOU might not have, and it will affect every person in a different way.
Submitted by Ducky at 2004-01-13 06:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked.
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2004-01-08 20:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe some of that guy's accomplished goals actually are/were world records.
I like number 10 the best.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-29 23:04:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Add Kissinger's nuts to your hit list and you'll have lived the perfect life.
Submitted by fat_and_sassy (user info) at 2003-12-29 01:46:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That list is great. I love everything about it, especially number 6. You have perfect grammar. You are a delight!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-12-05 15:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!
totaly.
Submitted by TheKingofSiam (user info) at 2003-12-05 02:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Someday I hope to touch a boobie.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-04 21:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have no idea who that is in the picture. I did a search for "thumbs up picture" or some such because I was looking for a piece of something clip-artesque - sort of an idealized 1950s father know's best like Ted from Red Meat giving a thumbs up.
Instead I found that, which made me burst out laughing. Whoever that girl is, I want to find her and give her a hug. What a great expression on her face!
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-12-04 21:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When you burst into the massage parlor, bring Carrot Top's dead body. Hold it in front of you as you bust down the door and then yell, "Carrot Top! Everybody outside now!!"
If they start laughing, drop Carrot Top's dead body on the floor and then tell them you're a pissed off FBI agent with an itchy trigger finger and a furious case of the clap.
Who is that in the picture?
Submitted by firefly at 2003-12-04 19:22:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-12-04 19:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/17726
Ah, the failed dream of a hit machine.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-12-04 18:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
10. Walk up to John Ashcroft and kick him in the fucking nuts. I don't care how old he is when I get around to it, what an asshole.
==================================
hahahahahahahahahaha
you guys don't want to know what's on my list. seriously, you don't.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-12-04 18:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, this looks like boredatwork stuff to me. seriously.
ooh, ooh. im gonna email you and loki for your opinion on something im trying to put together (if they are able) with jmg and catscradle. give me your most brutally truthful opinion.
Submitted by tsu (user info) at 2003-12-04 17:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-04 16:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nobody has commented on the picture I attached. It made me burst out laughing. It's the single most perfect happy drunk face I've ever seen.
Submitted by signa (user info) at 2003-12-04 16:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dont you ever come into work naked.... i would never ever recover my eyesight or be able to replace the badly scarred flesh after my many baths in batterry acid..
cannot...get...clean...
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-12-04 15:59:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A simple goal that I have not achieved is to "top shelf" in an enemies bathroom. You know, take a shit in the tank of the toliet/ The oportunity just hasn't presented itself yet.
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Jinx, are you sure your a girl? Everday you make me think you a man trapped in a women's body.
Heres my List:
1) Go to Australia. Get drunk at a bar that has a Koala (sp?) chilling nearby. Like rainforest cafe type shit.
2) Have sex with a hot black chick with an english accent.
3) Have a threesome with some decent looking girls.
4) Own a BMW M5.
Needless to say, i havent done any of these. Man i suck.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-12-04 15:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fake gun and badge? what fun is a fake one? I say kill off a cop, perticually one who gave me a speeding ticket, steal his badge and car and use THAT to hold up a bank, (not massage parlor)take that cash, and give it out in baltimore. See you gotta link for goals together a little more....
Then take the gun used above, and shoot off aschroft's nuts, we don't want him reproducing.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-04 14:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
11) Have anal s... nevermind. Hi honey!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-12-04 14:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lucid - that was very poetic.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-12-04 13:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! Made me laugh.
I gotta say, compiling lists of things to do before you die is an interesting concept, but to date the best days of my life have always come as a surprise.
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-12-04 13:21:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there are people who make things happen, there are poeple who talk about makign things happen and never do, and then there are people who watch the jerry springer show.
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-12-04 13:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*
<Jinx looks at her childhood diary>
June 14th 1986
"I want to try to make something of myself and live a cool life"
Oh yeah..........Darn.
(*stolen from reoderant)
A simple goal that I have not achieved is to "top shelf" in an enemies bathroom. You know, take a shit in the tank of the toliet/ The oportunity just hasn't presented itself yet.
I am kind of gross. Sorry guys.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"With that in mind, I decided to sit down and create my own list of things to do before I die. Things that truly push the frontiers of human accomplishment. Things that will send shockwaves rippling through everyone who witnesses these events."
Hmph. And I thought you would write "Have anal sex with Loren."
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Carrot Top is underappreciated. He was robbed of the Oscar for his performance in Chairman of the Board. I mean, did you see the movie poster? He was on top of the fucking desk at the board meeting making a funny face much to the horror of his tightass co-workers. I laugh just thinking about it.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great list!
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:32:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oddly enough my list of things to do looks a hell of a lot similiar to my list of people I wanna kill.
Strange isnt it?
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:26:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Definitely the best in quite a while.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious post.
I made a list of things to do before I die when I was 13. It only had one thing on it: Get laid. No wonder I'm an underacheiver. My whole list of things to do is already done, I have no motivation to succeed.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"4. Shoot Carrot Top. I don't even think I'd go to jail."
No, you wouldn't.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:15:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny list.
As for John Goddard, I just read his list and I must agree, his life has to have been amazing.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:14:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make sure to Get all of it on tape and then you can make a DVD of it and sell it on the internet....
I accomplished everything I wanted to do before I die!! The 10 steps...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2003-12-04 12:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"4. Shoot Carrot Top. I don't even think I'd go to jail. "
try not to kill him though, i want a go at that.
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2003-12-04 11:57:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What I want to do when I die:
-eat out a normal-sized girl's ass
-save the world
-bomb a police station
-bomb a catholic high school
-bomb an abortion clinic (UNLESS they comply with my demands that all women
who go through abortions are put under COMPLETELY, not partially)
-make it illegal for any parent to send their daughter to the doctor to have
their gentialia invaded for "medical" reasons, unless the daughter requests
such an appointment
-kill the U.S
-spank a little girl (hehe...just kidding)
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-04 11:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of a better list.