Child owned by birds (680 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mrceltic.at.msn.com (View user info) at 2003-12-05 20:14:57 EST
I recently read a post re: sea gulls and the threat they pose to young children. While I do not dispute this claim having witnessed first hand the terror they can unleash I believe any discussion on the danger of birds is glaring incomplete without mention of the might Canada goose. Laugh if you will but take heed, there is a menace growing unchecked in the skies.
Although this will be difficult for me to get through I feel it is my duty to inform the general public of the dangers posed by these feathered savages. I was but a young child of 5 or 6 ignorant to the perils of the avian population until ... On a lovely autumn morn my loving parents bundled up their little prince along with my newest, most loved possession; my first big boy bike! We jumped in the car to depart for our destination, oh the anticipation, I was bouncing like a ... well like a hyper active 5 year old complete with 'are we there yet' at regular intervals. There is a local park with a long winding road through its midst, perfect for young families to get out and enjoy nature. I couldn't wait to get on my bike and adventure through the park, it took all of about 5 minutes for me to develop a multitude of new games to play on my bike:
1. The fallen leaf slalom
2. The baby carriage dodge
3. The downhill extended skid
4. The great goose chase
I should have been satisfied with 3 new games for it was the fourth that cost me my innocence. After becoming bored with my new challenges I decided to match wits with the geese who inhabited the banks of the river and why shouldn't I? I had out-manouvered the leaves and the young mothers with child and had mastered using gravity to my advantage, the only thing left was to show these birds who was boss this day.
I sized up my competition: Goose - 1'6" tall Me - 3' tall
20 lbs 55 lbs
pea size brain pea size brain
in tiny head in much larger head
Clearly I had the upper plan so... feet on pedals, gripping handle bars with white knuckles and GO! I propel my little bike as fast as I can towards the mass of feathers in front of me, as I reach the crowd I raise my feet of the pedals so as to create a wider path of destruction. Sadly for me the geese had seen this plan in action before and unbenounced to me had a response to my attack. Trust that retribution was swift; the lead goose flapped it's wings to distract me from my path while two of his lieutenants barred my way through the phalanx of wings. I lost control of my bike, crashed to the ground and was summarily bitten, yes they have little razor sharp teeth, and struck in my large head by their tiny little heads until I finally succumb to their rage.
Now you may ask where my loving parents were during what can only be described as an onslaught? They were where you would be, watching the smart assed kid get worked by a bunch of birds and laughing hysterically.
Birds - 1 Me - 0
User Reviews
Submitted by TonyMontana (user info) at 2004-03-08 18:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you are a fucking moron. please kill yourself and do the world and your parents a favor.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2003-12-06 00:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A bird shat on me a couple weeks ago. I shot at it with my little brothers bb gun and missed. I suck.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2003-12-05 21:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was in high school we had a marauding flock of Canadian Demon Geese. Every day throughout the field hockey season, we'd go out there, and there would be about 30 to 40 geese out there, pooping and looking mean. As you've demonstrated to us all, geese are a.) way meaner and b.) way scarier than your average human. We eventually discovered a flanking maneuver where we spread out, clutching our field hockey sticks in white knuckled terror, and then on a count of three, ran towards them and forced them into the back fence for the softball diamond and into flying away to go poop on the girls soccer field. And then we would spend the practice running in goose shit. I hated those damn things.
There are few things more startling/scary than a bird that has teeth and a wingspan WAY bigger than you were giving it credit for wheeling around on you and clearly wanting your death.
Submitted by ann_landers (user info) at 2003-12-05 20:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
canadian = inherent danger.