More AA/Alanon Stuff: How it works for me (896 hits)
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Submitted by Natalie <nataliefortin.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-08 11:30:01 EST
DANGER: LONG READ AHEAD! I've seen a few posts 'explaining' the 12 steps of various programs. The problems I see (in my infinite wisdom) are that most have been done by someone with limited time, if any at all, actually USING and LIVING the steps. This is an interpretation by someone for whom it works.
These are the AA steps. I'm in Alanon. The steps are virtually the same.
A few (defensive) things: One, I will not organize the shit out of this; I want it to be honest, not a masterpiece. Two, fuck spellcheck. Three, I like the word 'fuck'. Four, I won't ARGUE anything with anyone. If you have something constructive to say, have at it, but useless insults and unsupported statements like 'this is crap' etc etc will be ignored. You aren't expected to believe or agree with any of the following interpretations. If you don't, good for you. I do, and it works for me.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
- If you have so much control, why is everything so fucked up? No one starts off saying they WANT to be an alcoholic/obsessive wacked out family member of. It sneaks up on you and bites you in the ass when you aren't looking. You and your circumstances allowed it to happen, but it's okay because...
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- With HELP, and loads of it, you can change things. You don't know everything, as evidenced by your fucked up life and lack of ability to change it. For my version of 'God' (I don't call it that. I'm not Christian by a long shot) see here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/13358 There are things in this world that are bigger than you, even if you don't know what they are. Call it nature, if you want. Call it the inevitable.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- I can't say I ever sat down and said anything like, "Here take this." It's more like I came to terms with the fact that I could only do my best in things, and THE REST WOULD HAPPEN AS IT WILL. Coming to terms with that is more Step 2, but actually approaching daily things with the attitude of letting the rest happen as it will is my step 3. Basically, I mind my own business and let others take care of theirs.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- I've only actually sat down and TRIED to do this once, and it was really awkward. I can out think and confuse myself in a heartbeat (families of alkies needed a program because the people who started it realized they were mentally as fucked up, but without the drink. We can con ourselves just as good as any drunk.). I have to take it in tiny bites, so as the day goes on I simply objectively take note of how *I* react to things. Not everyone around me, just ME. What am I, the Almighty Teacher? If I learned anything at step one, I know I can't make people behave the way *I* want them to, and they don't HAVE to. I ramble...surprise surprise. I say all that because at this point with our new-found genious, it's really easy to get caught up in thinking about what everyone else is doing wrong. Now that I've made this complicated: Step 4 is as simple as what it says. Do it in whatever way makes the most sense to you, and don't be angry with yourself. Just note and accept things.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Just what it says. Except I skip the God part, as usual. Alot of people sit down with a sponsor and do this all at once. I'd say I've done it over time with several people. Whatever works for you. Actually, I kind of did it here, too: http://www.ubersite.com/m/16663 I didn't give much detail, but I can probably count on one hand the number of people I've told about what happened with that guy. I didn't tell a soul for years. Somehow it makes the load a little lighter when you put it out in the open. You don't have to swirl it around in your crazy head anymore. And if you verbalize it and it's taken in stride it suddenly seems slightly less horrible and easier to deal with.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- There's no action taken here. I don't have any visions of some guy on a cloud swooping down and magically taking away my defects. This is where you simply become willing to let go of some of the destructive behaviours and thought patterns. For me, I gained hope that, in time, I would get better. That's all.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- This is the action part. "Help me not be an asshole in the next 5 minues." I don't know who I'm asking or if I'm asking anyone at all. Maybe for someone else it's calling someone on the phone in the morning and saying "goodmorning" to start your day off not being a bastard. Maybe it's picking up an AA book and reading one page or paragraph to remind yourself that you don't have be alone. Or if you are religious, pray.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Besides making the list, there is no action here. You just do what you have to do for yourself in order to be okay with making amends with people at a later time.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Again, just what it says. You don't have to do it all at once. You may be able to make amends to one person tomorrow, and to another years down the road. You don't do this with the purpose of having the other person actually forgive you. It's a practice in doing the right thing and having compassion (FUCK, that compassion stuff is HARD!). You screwed up; you sincerely apologize for it even if you were done wrong, too. The other person may accept, or he/she may still need time to work things out. But you've done the right thing. I still haven't been able to do this with my mom. Maybe I won't ever. We'll see. It's often hard to tell if bringing something up with someone would hurt them more than help or not. That's something to talk over with a sponsor or group member first.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Pretty simple. Stay on your gaurd against your destructive habits and ways of thinking. The goal is to lighten your load and feel better about yourself. Unless you're suddenly struck with perfection, this is something that never stops.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- For me, this is trying to keep my head clear so I can see what the right thing to do is. Keep things simple and do the next indicated thing in your life. Don't forget that you aren't the center of everything. I can't say that I pray, but I meditate in my own way. It might be cross stitching an intricate pattern that requires me to focus on that and only that. It leaves no room for circling crazy thoughts that have no logical conclusion. It might be a yoga class, riding my bike for 30 miles in the morning. For someone else it might be planning to sit and enjoy a tv show with the phones turned off and a resolution not to answer the door.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
- This is not recruiting. THIS IS NOT RECRUITING. THIS IS NOT RECRUITING. THIS IS NOT RECRUITING. I can't say that enough. Have you ever said something to a friend that was really helpful or made their outlook obviously brighten, even if only for a few moments? That's what this is. You don't go trying to make anyone come to meetings. To be honest, it would make no difference whatsoever in my life wether anyone reading this got anything out of it or not. But I *hope* this plants something positive somewhere, wether it's just a phrase you carry in your head or you run to a meeting. Voila; I've done a 12th step in writing this. Read it or don't. Take what you want, and trash the rest. Your business. Telling your story at an open speaker meeting is doing a 12th step. Going to the home of someone who requests your help is doing a 12th step. Answering the phone to someone in need or suggesting a 12 step program ONCE to someone in trouble is doing a 12th step. If someone is repeatedly telling you you need AA, that's not a 12th step. That's someone forgetting himself and ramming it down your throat. This is also a reminder that just because you've reached the last step it doesn't mean you've 'graduated' or you're 'cured'. You can and should go back and revisit any step, especially in times of trouble.
User Reviews
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-09 09:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and I've alluded to this several times, jordanna, but I've been going for a loooong time. It's not a contest to say "Woo! Lookie how much time I have!" but I think it's important to make it clear that I'm not just someone who went to a few meetings and now thinks I have an understanding of it. I LIVE it, I don't just read about it.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-09 09:33:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.al-anon.org/
Check that out, jordanna. That'll tell you what kind of meetings I've been going to. No, I've never been addicted to a substance. Everyone in my immediate (and much of my extended family) is alcoholic/drug addicted. People who grow up in that situation end up with the same mental characteristics minus the need for a drink. Har har...I'm analyzing myself. Oh well. Objectivity with yourself can be pretty handy. Anyway...I guess you could say my addiction is/was to other people. The typical co-dependant freak. Not much anymore, but growing up...holy shit. I was never around anyone 'normal' until I was 16 and moved in with my dad who, by that time, had about 4 years of sobriety. It's been a complete 180 ever since.
By the way, my dad kicks ass. Just thought I'd mention that!
Quartermain, you look for "Idiots With Credit Cards Anonymous" for me and I'll try to find your "Smartass Anonymous".
Submitted by jordanna (user info) at 2003-12-09 05:20:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Nat & Kristen.
So Nat, Correct me if Im wrong, you weren't ever addicted to something, you just went to a meet??
Euk, Im confused.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-12-08 15:15:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
I've not had a problem with alcohol, but I've quit smoking three times. I'm about due to quit again, probably for the New Year. What I really need is 'Sarcastic Bastard Anonymous', that might help.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-08 14:34:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm such a +2 giver most of the time that it's become a habit to change the rank to +2 before I submit the response! Pollyanna, I am...
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-08 14:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah! No, I didn't completely get it. Thanks insane!
bagels- ohhhh yes. Lots of NA around here for sure!
Hola Krisophelia!
Submitted by other_peoples_bagels (user info) at 2003-12-08 14:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BTW I know in my area there is NA (Narcotics Anonymous) - maybe that's in your area too, Nat, for your friend?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-08 13:45:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay, Nat!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-08 13:39:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks nat.
Just to make sure it's clear (which it probably wasn't) the DUAL part refers to addiction (to anything) and mental illness. Most of the people I've met there were abusing alcohol before they came in and not drugs.
Maybe you already got it, oh well.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-08 13:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, K. I'm not an alcoholic. Everyone in my immediate family is. It scared the shit out of me growing up so I stayed away from it. My older brother was doing every substance known to man by the time he was 13. My parents forced him into a long term rehab program that didn't take shit or chances. If you wanted to have any contact with the person in rehab, you had to go to some meetings yourself since an alcoholic doesn't develop in a vacuum. My dad realized he was part of the problem and started going to AA. One day when I was 13 he said, "You wanna go to an Alateen meeting? It's down the hall from mine." I was just contemplating how to off myself, so I figured it couldn't hurt. It was hell having all that craziness around me, but it turned out to be my saving grace. Here's a link to the Alanon webiste, to make the difference a little more clear: http://www.al-anon.org/
Insane, I'm so glad you found something that works for you! I don't even know you, and I'm just downright giddy! heh I really think these steps are so basic and adaptable that it's just a matter of finding a group of people who are in the same boat as you to help you out. I'd actually never heard of DRA before. I'm glad to know of it. There have been a few people who came to AA/Alanon looking for help but were asked not to refer to drug addiction, and it broke my heart to think they may have felt as if they were being turned away. I'm glad to know of that. I'll be passing it on.
You worried me a little bit when I scrolled down and saw Hadooken's face ;)
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2003-12-08 12:28:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Something about a chick with a past alcohol problem is sort of sexy.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-08 12:18:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been attending a meeting called Dra (dual recovery anon) for three weeks now (once a week, on weds) and it's beneficial to me in a way that AA never could be. You know how people step into AA and say that finally they are understood and can speak about problems they felt were uniquely their own? That's how DRA is to me. In AA, anytime I would broach the topic of medication and bipolar disorder, the usual response was something like "It's a normal part of early sobriety and make sure not to confuse it with mental illness." (which simply isn't the case with me) Because of that, I still didn't find what I needed in AA. They just couldn't understand those parts.
Strangely enough, when my moods are more stable I don't use.
DRA deals with both issues.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-08 12:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065378545878925842
Nothing but pure, unadulterated "awesomeness".