A Trial for a Spider (2013 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 85 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell <sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-12 09:47:00 EST
I am a man with routines. To me, I feel more in control of my life if I do things the same way every day. I wake up, walk into the kitchen, and make a pot of coffee. While the coffee is brewing I take a quick shower. By the time I am finished, the coffee is ready to drink. It's my routine, damn it, and it makes me happy. This morning, my routine was shattered.
When I got up this morning, there was an intruder in my kitchen.
A spider about the size of nickel was creeping across my kitchen counter. While the intruder was not a human, and was basically harmless, I still did not appreciate the uninvited guest. I decided to hold court right then and there.
Now my kitchen is right next to the front door, it would have been very easy for me to have put the spider on a piece of paper and let him go, but then I ran the risk of him telling his little spider friends that I was a softy. If that happened my apartment would be spider central, we can't have that...the wife is scared of spiders. This is America and we're all entitled to a trial by jury...even arachnids.
With this in mind, I decided to put the spider on trial. "Home Invasion," "Breaking and Entering," and "General Mischief" were the charges. The options? Well, there were only two really:
1. banishment
2. death
Now maybe I was being a bit too harsh with possibility of the death sentence but I can't very well go building a little spider-jail. I have better things to do with my time (like write articles on Ubersite). So really, death is the only possible option.
On to the trial:
I let the spider plead his case. He told me he didn't need an attorney. "That's good," I said. "The less vermin in my apartment the better." One point for the spider (simply for being considerate).
"I can't have you crawling around my kitchen," I told it. "If my wife sees you, I have to come kill you. There is no other option. That's just more work I have to do around the house you see? Your presence alone makes my life more difficult." One point for me.
"But I'm just a little spider," he countered."I don't hurt anyone. In fact, I kill and eat other insects that violate the sanctity of your apartment. I can stay out of site and help you." Another point for the spider.
"I don't want you in my apartment," I said. "If I let you go, you'll tell other spiders. Then all the spiders in the surrounding area will know that I was nice to you. I'll be known as 'Tom Sorrell: Friend to spiders everywhere.' We can't have that so the only option available here is death." Another point for me.
At this point the spider sensed that he was fighting a losing battle. He resorted to a desperation.
"Sir," he said. "I am but a small spider. If you prick me, do I not bleed? If you tickle me, do I not laugh? If you poison me do I not die?"
BAM!! I squished him right then and there.
If there's one thing I will not tolerate it's spiders quoting "Hamlet" in my kitchen.
User Reviews
Submitted by TabathaS. (user info) at 2005-01-19 13:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-12-07 19:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you killed it.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-06-19 10:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If there's one thing I will not tolerate it's spiders quoting "Hamlet" in my kitchen."
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-06-19 09:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could've sold that spider to a travelling carney show, idiot.
-2 for being stupid enough to crush a talking spider. A TALKING SPIDER!!!
Submitted by alchemist (user info) at 2004-02-19 10:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You sir are far more fair to the little beasts than am I .
Submitted by Verbal_Assassin (user info) at 2004-01-13 04:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
omg Random laugh again, this was great, I can't wait to read the rest of your work.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-16 14:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I felt I'd "test the waters" to see if there were any exceptional personalities out there. There are not. I wish I could say that I'm surprised to be disappointed." -that goofball that thinks a story with a talking spider should be taken at all seriously
OH NO! We don't hold rank with some insignificant random guy on the net! This made me laugh almost as much as the story made me cringe. I hate to even type the word spider. YYYYYUUUCK!
A bug comes into my house- it dies. Period. Especially spiders. I guess that brown recluse bit me while I was sleeping because I had an unexceptional personality. har har What I don't get is why they keep coming in. Don't their little friends get suspicious? Don't they GET it?
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-12-15 16:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice article...I mean parable
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-15 15:31:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, about three or four people.
What can I say, I had a brain-fart at 7 AM.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-15 15:29:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Merchant of Venice, not Hamlet. I thinks someone else beat me to it.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-15 12:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But that's not what I mean...it says 44 next to it, but there are (as of now) 73 reviews.
That's a big difference. Does it take my own reviews out?
How does that work?
I wish there was an FAQ around here.
Submitted by TkdMoose (user info) at 2003-12-15 12:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It takes a while to kick in the numbers. Maybe a minute or two, but it will update itself soon.
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-12-15 12:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hee hee
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-15 12:19:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks guys.
One question: What does the number in the most heated represent? It can't be replies because this has about 70 and it only says 44.
Anyone know?
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-12-15 10:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was very funny story..
Submitted by TkdMoose (user info) at 2003-12-15 04:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, I thought it was pretty funny.
Submitted by AsininePoster (user info) at 2003-12-14 17:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.
I reccomend it for bored at work.
PS: It's not Hamlet.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2003-12-14 12:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Non-human animals only kill in two instances: they are hungry or they are directly threatened by another animal. Humans are the only animals that kill out of selfishness and not necessity. Spiders bear humans no malice and will only bite us when we molest them.
Read a book on animal behavior. Seriously. "
My dog kills bunnies and squirrles all the time. He is neither scared of them nor hungry.
This confirms my former belief that my dog is actually human!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2003-12-14 12:26:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah, that is definatly the funniest thing I've ever read on this site. I was all prepared to tell you that i laughed out loud at "but then I ran the risk of him telling his little spider friends that I was a softy.", but when I got to the end... man, I chortled.
corinne
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-14 10:00:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Who are some of you people? lol
Submitted by isaac (user info) at 2003-12-14 02:10:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't hate spiders. I kind of like them, because they kill mosquitos. But not in my house.
My spider court is much simpler. I provide an instrument of escape, something like a piece of paper, a cup, a wooden spoon, something. I then attempt to get the spider onto the implement and out of the house. If the spider cooperates, he gets out of the house, and will in fact get placed in a very good spider spot, right by an outside light.
If the spider is uncooperative, and attempts to flee the instrument of escape, or especially if the spider should attempt to hide behind or under an obstruction, punishment is swift and final.
The spider is always uncooperative.
-isaac
Submitted by ASHTONKUTCHERSUCKS (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:53:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ashton Kutcher sucks my balls.
Submitted by Tabatha (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And one more
Submitted by Tabatha (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tabatha (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This rating keeps going down and it shouldn't be.
Stop giving 0's for no reason, it's not fair to the writer.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Embryophagous <nclarkii.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-12-12 19:53:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Non-human animals only kill in two instances: they are hungry or they are directly threatened by another animal. Humans are the only animals that kill out of selfishness and not necessity. Spiders bear humans no malice and will only bite us when we molest them.
Read a book on animal behavior. Seriously.
_______________________
I have studied a hell of a lot more about animal behavior than you, and considering I am studying and experimenting with Canadian Lynxs, i think i would know a fuck more than you.
Spiders bite on average 15 people everyday in America while they are sleeping. Where are we molesting them there?
Submitted by MardukTheGreat (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:37:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
me as well... Once again, I got distracted and forgot where I was going with what I wanted to say. Didn't realize it was you who wrote the spider story, for what it matters... This would be much easier if I were drunk... and I could be...!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2003-12-13 23:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair game, it's still a great little read regardless.
- Sorry, but I can be a bit of a Shakespeare Nazi at times ;o)
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-13 23:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
To Scott James:
Yes, I know I misquoted the Shakespeare reference. It was 7 in the morning and I wasn't thinking. For some strange reason I had it in my head that the line was from Hamlet.
Thank you for pointing that out.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-13 23:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seems to me as though you are the one who is close minded. There can be more than one meaning to a story, especially if they are on different levels. Even if the author didn't intend it... I've lost my train of thought... You're stupid...
----------------------------------------------------------------
How am I close-minded? How am I stupid?
Look, the story is meant to be a piece of fiction that shows two things:
1. The guilt I feel when I kill a spider.
2. The fact that I really don't have a problem with spiders, I just don't want to deal with the hassle of getting up and killing them when my wife freaks out. That shows how I'd rather kill another creature to make my life easier.
The thing is, it's meant to be light-hearted and taken in a joking way.
You think I'm stupid, yet you can't keep a train of thought. That makes me laugh.
Submitted by MardukTheGreat (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:43:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
damn internet explorer... I apologize to all you whiners who are likely to complain about something that matters so little as a typing mistake...
Submitted by MardukTheGreat (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:41:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to buckeyes...
It seems to me as though you are the one who is close minded. There can be more than one meaning to a story, especially if they are on different levels. Even if the author didn't intend it... I've lost my train of thought... You're stupid...
Submitted by MardukTheGreat (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:40:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to buckeyes...
It seems to me as though you are who is close minded. There can be more than one meaning to a story, especially if they are on different levels. Even if the author didn't intend it... I've lost my train of thought... You're stupid...
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, although I find it curious you referenced the wrong play, seeing as how the quote is lifted from a court scene in The Merchant of Venice.
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude - stop being a rating whore.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
There you go, post a link and give me a zero, thus lowering my ranking some more. heh heh
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:05:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Check out Embro's comment on this post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/20518 . Apparently he's a hipocrite as well.
Submitted by Embryophagous (user info) at 2003-12-13 11:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have never and will never rate this post a -2. I'm surprised you even said that.
Futhermore, I am on this site becaue it was reccomended by a friend of mine. As usual, it's full of angry people who won't hesitate to abandon rational discussion and resort to name calling. I felt I'd "test the waters" to see if there were any exceptional personalities out there. There are not. I wish I could say that I'm surprised to be disappointed.
Just because you don't want to hear or think about something doesn't make it any less true.
Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2003-12-13 08:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"When I read Shakespeare I am struck with wonder
That such trivial people should muse and thunder
In such lovely language."
D.H. Lawrence
Nice, very nice.
Michelle
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-12-13 08:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Embrophagyous cracks me up. He's the kind of guy you just love to hate. Like a hippy who's naive to the point of being absolutely moronic.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-13 07:59:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
One more thing, I find it ironic that you hate humanity and would like nothing more than to live in a rainforest, yet you still find time to turn on your computer, surf the internet, come to this particular site, and bitch to a bunch of people you don't know.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-13 07:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well go on with your bad self.
But you're missing the point of the story and you have repeatedly rated it -2 because you hate humanity. Nevermind the fact that it's a well-written article, you HATE it because you're close-minded and have to take everything seriously.
Submitted by Embryophagous (user info) at 2003-12-12 23:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am very much anti-human when it comes to the species (I am not anti-individual). Without a doubt, we are the single most destructive animal this planet has ever seen. We know it and we actually have the power to do something about it. However, our petty selfishness as a species is a major obstacle that we will never overcome.
As far as living in a forest with wolves, I would love nothing more than to do just that. Unfortunately, humans have shot, trapped, and poisoned wolves nearly to extinction in most areas where they occur. I will be living in a rainforest research station this spring in NE Australia and studying how to keep the "venomous" snakes, "deadly" spiders, and "man-eating" crocodiles from losing their habitat to human development. I guess I should throw in koalas and kangaroos to keep things warm and fuzzy for you.
Believe me, I am much safer (and happier) living in the rainforest than living in an American city.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-12 22:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Non-human animals only kill in two instances: they are hungry or they are directly threatened by another animal. Humans are the only animals that kill out of selfishness and not necessity. Spiders bear humans no malice and will only bite us when we molest them.
Read a book on animal behavior. Seriously."
So just to get this straight, we now have a "human hater" on out site.
I've heard of many types of people:
- anti-minority
- anti-war
- anti-drugs
- anti-technology
I've never heard of anti-human.
Get a life. If you hate humans so much then go into the nearest forest and try to live with some wolves. See how long you last dumb ass.
Submitted by Embryophagous <nclarkii.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-12-12 19:53:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Non-human animals only kill in two instances: they are hungry or they are directly threatened by another animal. Humans are the only animals that kill out of selfishness and not necessity. Spiders bear humans no malice and will only bite us when we molest them.
Read a book on animal behavior. Seriously.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It expresses human mentality perfectly: if we fear, dislike, or are inconvenienced by other life then we feel we have the right to kill it.
________________________
what the fuck is wrong with you? this is just a story, obviously a fictional one at that. you are reading into it way too deeply.
take it for what it is goddamnit, a light hearted story about the KILLING OF SPIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!
i think Trogdor (the BURNINATOR) should be the royal executioner.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes but this is not a court where justice is blind and the spider was not innnocent until proven guilty.
Sometimes you have to lay down the law.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:31:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How unrealistic, that spider would have been back on the streets in minutes in a real law court.
Submitted by MerchantofVenice (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:21:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IT IS NOT HAMLET!!!!
How DARE YOU MISQUOTE WILLIAM?
I still give you a 2 because you made me laugh, but I hate your guts.
Submitted by Tabatha (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:14:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny.
This one should be on bored at work.
Submitted by GIGGAS2 (user info) at 2003-12-12 18:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grr, someone is impersonating me... I don't like that.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-12-12 18:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps from this day forth, I shall begin holding trials in my house for spiders. +2 for making me a better person.
Submitted by TimK622 (user info) at 2003-12-12 16:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid spider...he should have requested a change of venue
Submitted by The GIGGAS <gcn_giggas2.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-12-12 15:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I love you too
Submitted by The GIGGAS <gcn_giggas2.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-12-12 15:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BTG, you're quickly becoming my favorite author. Keep it up.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:56:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done. All spiders (like cats) should die.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks GrizzlyHunter, I appreciate that.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:41:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the best post I've read all week I think.
+2 for supporting capital punishment!
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, man. Cuts right to the little bit of guilt I feel when I squish them.
But hey, it's him or me.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-12-12 13:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hee hee hee
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, sorry...here's your rating. Author's ratings don't affect the post.
My 5th grade teacher had a friend in college who wanted to become an entomologist.
She told us that he now worked for Orkin.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:20:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DAMN IT...I forgot the +2.
I'm ridiculous.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Acarnis, way to go with the "0" on your last review. Now I have to give myself a +2 just to equal it out. heh heh
PS: Yea, I should have just said "Shakepeare." I had it in my head that the line was from Hamlet. BAH!
PPS: I am not currently in the spider-killing profession; however, I made an exception simply because high-brow arachnids are too much for me to handle at eight in the morning.
One last thing: As I'm writing this I'm thinking about posting an article about my neighbor's child. It wants to kill me. More on that later.
Submitted by JannyB (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:14:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good arguments Acarnis. Comparing mankind to animals as a basis for argument is quality, nothing more.
Great post by the way.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:53:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Listen, Embryophagous, first of all, the spider quoted Shakespeare. Tolerance only goes so far.
Ok, seriously... Why are you upset about humans killing because of fear? This is something most animals will do if they have the power to do it. You think that if you scare a brown recluse spider, or a black widow...that they'll simply back away? They're scared of you. They will defend themselves. Ok well, I know aligators attack people because of fear. If anything, humans have achieved over the basic instinct of killing feared things. Next, "inconvenience"... there's so many other humans that inconvenience everyone, that is just not true. Instead of considering "dislike," I'm going to tell you that these "rights" you talk about are human things. No other animals thinks about "rights." Oh, by the way... nothing gives animals any rights other than the laws of some countries.
If spiders were 6 feet tall and 200 lbs, we would have exterminated them to extinction long ago. Like the mammoth...who was taller and heavier.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My friend once told me that we need spiders to take care of other bugs. That's bullshit, that's why we have bugspray!
Submitted by Embryophagous (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:35:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That is one of the more depressing things I've read in my life. It expresses human mentality perfectly: if we fear, dislike, or are inconvenienced by other life then we feel we have the right to kill it.
Too bad spiders don't grow to be 6 feet tall and 200 pounds. You'd have a hard time squashing them then.
Go read a book on spiders.
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'Less vermin in the apartment' nice!
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha...that's right.. and may that be the lesson for the rest of you Shakespeare-quoting pests.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY! (ok, I'm done.)
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:06:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you for hire, Mr. Spider-Killer?
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One less spider in the world=+1,000,000
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because it's a good story, however, I should be taking off a point for saying that the quote is from Hamlet. It's actually from a speech given by Shylock in "The Merchant of Venice". I did laugh though and I'm not a complete bastard, so you get both the big points.
Make sure to check the facts in the future!
Submitted by spud (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:47:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Technically you shouldn't have had him up on "Breaking and Entering". It is most likely that he crawled in via an already open entrance, and I doubt you had any evidence of him forcing entry.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kabeem, this story is about SPIDERS. You leave the devil-creature known to the masses as "Lady Bugs" out of this. heh heh
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate spiders.
Submitted by festivenuts (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there we go =) works now
Submitted by festivenuts at 2003-12-12 10:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:29:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good one!
Submitted by kabeem (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very honorable trial. The spider held his own until the bitter end, but I agree. Any spider or anyone for that matter who pleas Hamlet to win the affection of the jury should be put to death! On live the king! I would begin to wonder how you would ever keep your composure talking to a spider? Hmm...that one is a difficult one to picture, especially if the spider would have called his cousin the ladybug to defend him. (inside joke)
Submitted by festivenuts <banananipples.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-12-12 10:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
spiders quoting shakespeare, best ever
thanks tom nicely written
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2003-12-12 10:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well written. Tom I just feel bad for you knowing the negative twos Kristen will give you when she has to start thinking of spiderss quoting Shakespeare.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-12-12 09:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor spider. It was his first offense. You should have given him probation and a restraining order.