Sleep, Wake Up, Shower, Kill Mrs. Chang, Go to Work, Come Home...Repeat (1845 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.84 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Will Zone <dianoga101.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-12 11:14:39 EST
"What a week!" mumbles an incoherent Will Zone, face still nestled in the conforming contours of his Sobakawa pillow. This morning seemed like every other morning, normal and early. Everything was in its place, but the wind did have more of a moan today as it passed in front of my building. I got up, noticed a peculiar BO, grabbed my towel, and dragged my weeks-worth of tired-ass towards the shower. The world outside is changing...moving and shaking...all as I wash my armpits.
A poor rendition of Outkast's "Hey Ya" escapes my lips as I do my morning routine. Brushing, combing, cleaning, HEY YA, shaving, tucking, tying, HEY YA, buttoning, zipping, vogueing, HEY YA. I hit pause on my internal soundtrack, something is not right. I hear something odd. I look around my room for my discman, maybe its accidentally on. Nope. I check anything that plugged in...is my amp still on? is a key on the Casio keyboard stuck? What's that noise? My ear finds the window...its that moaning and groaning wind. Great. I gotta muscle my way to work in gale force winds. What else is new?
I light my cigarette, I "get the Led out" and put some Led Zeppelin in my Discman, say good-bye to myself in the mirror with a nod, and close and lock the door. I was blissfully unaware of the hell which awaited me on the other side of the front door.
I opened the door. I heard them before I saw them. And I can only pray they didn't see or hear me. At first glance across the street and in my peripheral I see at least 12. In packs of 3 or 4, huddling over fresh kills. I backtrack into my building, nary do I make a peep.
"Fuck." I say, audibly, yet quiet enough for only me to hear. "Fucking Zombies."
What to do? What to do. Do I call in sick to work? What do I say? "Sorry Yvonne, can't come in today, I've got a zombie infestation here in Brooklyn." She'll never believe me, she'll say "Didn't you miss work last week because of a zombie attack?" What do I say to that..."No, that was a lie, last week I just wanted more sleep...this week...this week there really is a zombie attack!" That'll never work.
I try my best to peek thru the frosted glass window next to my front door. Nothing. Just vague blobs of movement. I check my watch. OK, I can make it to the train and still get to work on time. I open the door an inch and try to get my eyeball as far outside as my bio-structure allows. I look left and see 2 groups of 3 busy chomping down on what looks like the Asian woman, Mrs. Chang, from across the street. I look right as a fucking hand scrapes and claws at the cracked-open door, inches from my retina. Its moans alert the others to my alive and juicy presence. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
If I'm getting to work on time, I gotta slaughter some zombies on my way. I check the storage room for any weapons or something I can use as a weapon. A crowbar is all I could find. I ditch my backpack and anything extra I had on my person as a cradle the crowbar. The black silhouettes of about 4 zombies press against the frosted glass next to the front door. I put out my cigarette on the heel of my Doc Marten steel-toe boot. Then I loosen my tie.
"I'm going to work, and no Zombie with its blind undead rage is going to stop me!" I yell as I kick open the door and pin 2 zombies between the gate and the door. With a scream and a spin move I brain both zombies with the crowbar. I try to not admire the carnage, cause I know there are a lot more undead on this block and I just rang the proverbial dinner bell. I remove the crowbar, it slides pretty easily thru the finally-dead skulls.
As I turn, the wind picks up and my jacket billows out riding the waves of air. I feel like everything is in slow-motion. I eye the zombie pack that was eating Mrs. Chang. They eye me. I guess the taste of my fresh flesh motivates them to inch towards me with their lumbering zombie gait. I flip the crowbar into my other hand and green mucous spins off it into the wind. I reach into my pocket and hit play on my discman. The opening chords of "Kashmir" kick in as I bull-charge the zombies, screaming.
Slash! Thunk! Splat! Wham! It was like a 60's Batman episode. I was surrounded by bodies. The block was now clear. I can see some zombies about 6 blocks ahead of me, they have no idea the carnage soon to be bestowed upon them. Before I start the trek to work, I kneel over Mrs. Chang's lifeless body. Half of her is chewed up. I take out my camels and light up. As I wipe my crowbar on her stained winter coat, her eyes shoot open and she goes right for my forearm. Without missing a beat I deliver a perfect crowbar smash through her forehead. For a second I'm disoriented (excuse the pun). It seems like, hell it was, just yesterday she was sweeping the sidewalk in front of her house, waving to me. She's in a better place now.
I stand and walk towards my L train. The zombies are few and far between, each is an easy kill, or is it re-kill? I get to the station and as I swipe my metrocard thru the reader I laugh at the zombie MTA employese stuck inside the booth...reaching towards me thru the glass. "I ain't got time for you," I grumble, "Zoney's gotta get to work."
The platform is empty, but NYC transit is still running without a hitch. I get on the empty train. As I arrive in Manhattan, I'm half-surprised that in the city its business as usual. Just now instead of stepping over the homeless, the business suits are just stepping over wasted zombies. I betcha Broadway shows are still going up tonight.
God, I love this town.
I get to work just on time and my boss laughs at the green ooze in my hair. I tell her it was zombies and she says, with a smirk, "I'm happy you were able to make it in this time."
Oh Uber, when there's no more room in hell...the dead will walk the earth.
Will
PS: This post inspired by the book I'm reading: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1400049628/qid=1071237056//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i0_xgl14/002-3754069-9156834?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
The Zombie Survival Guide by Max (Mel's son) Brooks.
User Reviews
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-06-07 17:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
itchy, i think when this was written, authors ratings still counted...everything i wrote got a +2 from me!!!!!
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-06-04 17:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You spammed this in another post AND you +2ed yourself on it. I don't care. I'm still going to give you a +2 because this was absolutely great.
WillZone - singlehandedly creating the new genre of comedy/action/horror. If Evildead doesn't already do that, I guess. Still great.
Submitted by Deserteaglekiller at 2004-06-04 11:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
see thats the thing you waisted all that energy smashing the zombies. Now if you had a 10mm glock or a .50AE desert eagle in your posession you would just have to point the weapon at your zombie and move your trigger finger to blast them into oblivion
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-06-04 11:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MTA running without a hitch? This MUST be fiction
PS. DUDE, I've been trying FOREVER to try and remember the title of that book! yay!
Submitted by reaganslovechild (user info) at 2004-04-15 17:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
id plus 40 you if i could zombies blow man and i love it when someone musters up the balls to stick it to them
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-03-19 14:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damnnnnn Mr.Zones, you write sooo good.
Two words:
Me Jealous
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-03-19 13:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good job... keep fighting the good fight.
Submitted by necrofeelya (user info) at 2004-03-19 11:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies are the shit.
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-01-13 14:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this story
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2003-12-26 08:59:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet post...
+2 for Zombies
They splatter so nicely when you shoot them in the face with a shotgun.
Submitted by FelixTrinidad (user info) at 2003-12-26 08:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Casio...Doc Martens....
You are an advertising douche-bag
You rate your own work....
You are an 11 year-old girl
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-24 21:15:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Night of the Living Dead is a kickass movie.
And this is a kickass post.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-12-22 12:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just got bitchslapped by -2man. fie on him.
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:28:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Not too good.
You need to apply your self to your work.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-12-15 08:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well thanks. I just watched "dawn of the dead" again this weekend. Can you beleive the remake is coming out this summer?
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-12-14 00:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to what some guy said earlier, you have to go with Desert Eagle .50 like Bullet-Tooth Tony from Snatch.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2003-12-13 23:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking zombies, nice work.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2003-12-13 22:37:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I second the Will Zone: Mr Consistency vote.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-13 02:02:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Will, your writings are fucking great.
mr. consistency you are.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2003-12-13 01:27:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2003-12-12 22:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
was that a "bombdiggity" in the reply?
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-12-12 21:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There is even a federal agency devoted to the zombie menace.
The Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency
http://www.fvza.org/
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:20:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work. me likey.
Submitted by TimK622 (user info) at 2003-12-12 16:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Zombies, bears, and robots....humanity's three biggest threats. According to my friend Ethan.
http://ethanville.cjb.net
Excellent story Will
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-12-12 15:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True, see the movie. You're right, i'd be willing to bet the book is better. 99.9% of the time thats true. Good scary movie though.
SpikeGoddess...is the bombdiggity.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Serpent and the Rainbow: GOOD BOOK!!!!
I need to see the movie before I can really comment, but I'm pretty sure the book's better. Has to be...
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, but buy a gun. Desert Eagle's are always sweet.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Serpent and the Rainbow: good movie.
Those living dead are interesting. They give a chemical which puts you in a serious coma...so serious doctors classify you as dead. you then get buried and whatnot, and then you wake up. trapped, underground. There's not much oxygen so you kinda become brain damaged, as well as whatever the drug they gave you does...by the time they dig out, they are filthy and retarded. walking vegatbales...the living dead.
Oh voodoo.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ZOMBIES ARE REAL!!!!!
You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.
"It is not a poison that makes a zombie, it is a bokor."
"The bokor?"
"The priest who serves with the left hand," he said cryptically. "But that is a false distinction...We are all bokors, we houngan. The houngan must know evil to combat it, the bokor must embrace good to subvert it. It is all one. The bokor who knows the magic can make anyone a zombi. Likewise, I can treat a victim, should I choose. It is our force, and our greatest defense. But this talk is in vain. This is a land where things are not the way they seem."
~The Serpent and the Rainbow
Wade Davis speaking to a Haitian hougan, or witch-doctor
Zombies are real.
Think about it.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by celeste (user info) at 2003-12-12 13:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.. vogueing.. hehe..
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it was too long and people gave up on it without reading...
Submitted by Embryophagous (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:45:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I was a Zombie. I would shoot myself with a shotgun.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should buy "Fist Full of Boomstick". I know it's deadites which aren't exactly zombies, but maybe slaying enough of them will help get the living dead off of your mind.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad... I was gonna give you a +1, but it's possible I'm being too much of an asshole today.
I'll go take it out on someone else.
Good story!
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2003-12-12 11:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been thinking about Zombies a lot this week...this post is what happens because of that.