Full pants (1251 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by mrceltic.at.msn.com (View user info) at 2003-12-12 12:05:28 EST
Without a doubt some of the funniest experiences I have had in my life occured while employed by a local bar. I guess this shouldn't come as a big surprise, alcohol makes everything more amusing. This particular bar was one of the main student destinations (very much a university town) and therefore was full of pompous, pretentious frat boys all in need of an attitude adjustment, what a fantastic place to work door. Usually my vengence was meated out physically, which is an enjoyable pass time, but not post worthy. Psychological damage, however, most certainly is.
The bar stops serving drinks at 2, bar empty by 2:45. As an aside, there are few better techniques for encouraging bar patrons to leave than mooing. I kid you not; we began at the back of the bar, in a group of 4-5 and walked to the front door removing drinks, explaining that the bar was closed etc. It was like a lightning strike; they're like cattle!!! I started lowing like a cow, people started to move, I mooed more, more moving, had the bar empty in record time. Back to the original story. 2:45 - bar empty except for staff, we routinely sit around and have a couple of wobbly pops to wind down. There, at present, is a crowd of 25-30 staff consisting of doormen, servers, tenders and kitchen staff, the cleaning staff starts on the bathrooms. I am just opening my second beer when one of the cleaning staff emerges from the mens washroom and informs us there is still someone in a stall. Myself and 2 others jump at the opportunity for a late night confrontation. We walk into the washroom, find the locked stall and knock. No response. Knock again.
Drunkard - I can't come out
Staff - You can't stay in
D - I don't care
S - We think you should
D - I'm staying in here
S - Our beer is getting warm, time to go
D - I won't leave
S - If I have to come in to get you, you'll be as sad as I am about my warm beer
D - (no response)
S - Your call
At this point I entered the neighbouring stall, climbed onto the back of the toilet tank with the intention of jumping into his stall to 'encourage' him to leave. What I saw next was one of the most disturbing images I've encountered in my short life. There, seated on the throne, in his stylish frat sweatshirt is one of the evenings prettiest boys. He looks up with some of the saddest, most defeated eyes I have ever seen and explains 'I had to go really bad'.
Me - Get out!
Drunkard - I can't put my pants on.
M - Why not? (As I glance down at his designer jeans full of vomit and begin laughing, this prompts another doorman to mount another toilet)
M - What did you do?
D - I puked, it went in my pants
Other doorman - Why?
D - (silent, looks down)
M - Why are you on the toilet with your underwear on?
D - (looks up, still defeated) I had to go really bad.
O - You shit yourself? hahahaha (laughter went on quite a while longer, long enough to get down from his perch and head to the bar to explain this young mans plight to the entire staff)
While the Coles noted version was delivered to the staff I remained with Shittypants McPukeydrawers to find out more details - How did this happen? Answer - He had to shit so bad (we brewed our own draft on site, an excellent laxative for the inexperienced drinker) that he ran into the bathroon, dropped trow and emptied, directly into the gitch he forgot to remove, so disgusted with himself and I'm sure the feel of a big movement pressed against his thigh by his underwear he vomitted, puked into the pants that are now around his ankles!!! How long had he been there? Answer - since 1:30 (now almost 3am). We eventually coaxed him out of the bathroom with promises of a quick, quiet exit from the building which he actually believed. He was met with a chorus of laughter like I have never experienced as he walked from the bar looking like a 4 year old in snow pants.
'Best of luck finding a cab!'
User Reviews
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-02-22 12:23:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Hahahaha! That's a good shitfight (http://www.ubersite.com/m/26169)!
Badass.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-02-22 12:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwaaahahahaha! This never made it to BAW? WTF?
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2003-12-12 19:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No fuckin' comment.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:59:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Eww
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2003-12-12 14:19:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
ya'll are fucked up.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-12-12 13:33:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have felt sorry for that guy, but this was just too funny
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-12-12 13:32:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I once drank too much at Bennigan's in my old neighborhood, I puked down the sleeve of my shirt as I ran toward the bathroom, which wasn't that bad because the only thing that came up was a sip of Red Death. Got to the bathroom and plunged head first into the sink.
Chipped my tooth.
Turned on the cold water and glanced back in the mirror to see that all my friends from the bar (guys and girls) had followed me into the bathroom and were now both chuckling and looking distraught at the sight of me. I managed to give a little wave to signal that I was ok right before I planted my face in the sink again.
The bitch of it was my insurance wouldn't cover my chipped tooth because "it wasn't chipped on the chewing surface" cheep bastards.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, that is so so wrong.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Great shit!
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This needs to be on boredatwork.com with Badass Australian Cows!
Submitted by Cup_of_Joe (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit! That was funny. Who had to clean that mess up in the end?
Thank you and drive thru
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh heh "Shittypants McPukeydrawers"
heh heh *snort*
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2003-12-12 12:13:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh, karma, thy name is vomit.
I just love to see that type brought low... it is my secret fantasy.
--HeimdallsMan