Never drink with English majors (865 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.53 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sunny (View user info) at 2003-12-15 19:46:51 EST
The Day I almost got handed a plate of my own ass, with all the trimmings.
The scene: Last day of classes, May of 2003. An English Major friend of mine and I were prepartying before the night's festivities, glad to be free of work and whatnot. My friend, let's call her SDB (for stupid drunk bitch), and I were dating two guys in a fraternity at our university. This fraternity was made up of avid horticulturalists and happy hippies, so you might think that on the night in question I was, to use the parlance of our time, stoned out of my gourd. Not so! My boyfriend procured for me a bottle of Jose Cuervo gold (which I can no longer drink, as Jose and I are no longer speaking, but that's another story), which I shared with SDB. SDB was, despite her nickname, not an avid drinker. This, unfortunately, was to contribute to the night's events.
The four of us, one future Infantry LT, one future Armor LT, myself, and SDB decided to accelerate the process by which we all get sauced and play a drinking game - specifically, the Office Space drinking game, the greatest drinking game ever, contributor to liver failure all over campus. Hordes of brain cells have been sacrificed to this game. We couldn't remember all the rules, so we made some up. (Example of a rule: drink whenever rap music is playing). We were young, and stupid. Oh well. We watch the movie, with SDB and I attempting to drink our men under the table by taking shots of tequila along with sips of beer. Suffice it to say, 2 hours later we were pretty housed. And it was only 8pm.
The commons room had a bigscreen, so we decided to relocate from the boys' room to watch Ladies' Man. SDB was doing Ladies' Man impressions and pissing all of us off, but I digress. In the commons room, there is a large window which overlooks another frathouse. These spirited young men were up to their own shenanigans, making lots of noise, and making it difficult to hear Tim Meadows' lisping. SDB takes it upon herself to rectify the situation. This is where the proverbial shit hit the fan. She starts hollering insults down onto the passersby: "Stupid freshmen! Stupid slutty sophomores, go suck a dick, it'd be quieter, we're watching a movie up here!" This itself wouldn't have been so bad, but she starts getting a little personal. Then she does it. "Hey you! In the cowboy hat! You're fat and ugly!" **me** ohhhhh shit. I took one look at the girl she was yelling at - a Gigantor if I've ever seen one...and almost crapped myself. I'm not a little wisp of a thing myself, 5'8, used to row, etc...but this girl made me look like a munchkin. I sobered up in a real big hurry.
Gigantor is with two friends - Rock Troll and Forest Orc. These girls could make the starting line up of any pro football team in the country. They were GINORMOUS. Elephantine. I believe they were volleyball players or something, with broad shoulders and calves larger than my head - nary a one under 5'11. (not to malign college volleyball players, but these girls were unreal.) I hear one of the trio call up "We're coming to get you, bitch!" The boys are sitting like limp dicks on the couch, staring openmouthed at SDB, I'm searching for a place to hide, and all of a sudden the door to the commons room opens, and there they are. My blood froze. Rock Troll speaks up: "Are YOU the name-caller?" Pointing at me, and...no joke...cracking her knuckles. I think, god do I look like that much of a bitch? I must, people are accusing me of shit all the time. I look at her, and start laughing. "Are you here to kick our asses?" She looks at me, fire in her eye, and says, "Yes." Oookay, fair enough. Anyway, there is a code, a code among females...perhaps not as strong as the code among you menfolk, but still - was I supposed to rat out SDB, and leave her to get her ass pounded sideways by three girls who topped her by a combined 24 inches? I look to the males - nope, no help there. They were as stupefied as I was. Shit. It was up to my drunken behind to defuse the situation with my facial features intact.
"My friend is a little tipsy." I point helpfully to the empty bottle of tequila, then to SDB, giggling on the corner of the sofa. "She really didn't mean it." Their faces are mutinous...I switch tactics - "You AREN'T fat and ugly, you're quite pretty and nice." Great. Maybe if she thinks I'm hitting on her, she'll go away. If having sex with another girl is what it takes to keep from getting my butt kicked seven ways to Sunday, so be it. Luckily, that wasn't what Gigantor was after. She was actually the most forgiving of the three. Rock Troll however, was out for blood. "That's not nice, yelling to people like that. You should be more considerate. Girls are too confrontational on this campus. Blah blah blah." I zoned out a bit. Then things hit the height of surreal. She STUCK HER FINGER IN MY FACE AND WAGGED IT. "Not cool. Uh-uh. Fat and ugly? Not funny." All the while that index finger going wag-wag-wag. What the hell, are we in Kindergarten still? I'm drunk, it's the last day of classes, I was trying to apologize, and this bitch is up in my face like I just piddled on the damn rug?
Luckily, I was saved from making the situation worse by the future Armor LT getting off his duff, coming over, and defending my honor. He stares blearily at the girls, then lets loose with the righteous fury of the truly soused. "Hey, earth to ugly bitch. This is MY house. Who the fuck are you?" Oh god. Thank you, prince among men, for throwing gasoline on that fire. SDB starts chanting "sloppy sophomores!" while flicking beer at these three girls. Now I start to feel sorry for them. Here we are, four drunken upperclassmen, ruining a perfectly respectable night of debauchery for them. Or rather, one drunken upperclassmen, one SDB, one worthless prick, and one real American hero. Anyway, long story not-so-short, I apologized for us all, handed Gigantor a 5 dollar bill and asked her politely to vacate the premises with her lovely friends. Awestruck by the evening's events, they left, probably to go tell the PKA's what horrible people the BETA's associate with.
Moral of the story: English majors are terrible drinking buddies, especially when they're two beer queers, but you can always count on a fratboy to make things worse.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2003-12-25 02:01:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good thing i dropped the idea of being an english major.
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-25 01:00:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ruin:
Column A, SDB is from the states. An person majoring in the english language, specifically feminist literature. Aren't you glad you asked? :-D
Submitted by ruin (user info) at 2003-12-23 23:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm stupid, but bear with me...
when you say 'english major' do you mean
A: a person who is majoring in the english language?
B: an english with a refined accent who is doing a major?
if A: then +2 & rock on you crazy diamond, AMERICA RULES!!! SOME OF THE TIME!!!
if B: then your a not an all-american hero but are in fact a fukking stupid american wanker who thinks all english people are upper class because of some stupid cliche bullshit, go on and die painfully in your shithole country or come and live on my shithole english council estate (that's the kind of english ghetto where sometimes the police don't even go into) and die here instead.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2003-12-19 19:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey we dont ALWAYS ruin something, just sometimes.
-BongZilla
+2 for a good story
-1 because I thought you were going to delight with a story about and English major, preferrably being a clever linguist and then getting punched.
-1 because Pike's and Beta's are both sorry as shit.
good story though. =)
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-19 17:39:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah yes! Another redhead! Me too. Nice to know ya. I almost joined the Army, now i'm just going to marry one.
Time to leave work! woo! See ya around!
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-19 17:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am a 21 year old senior at Duke, redhead, former rower, Army ROTC.
Grew up in DC, am currently bored out of my gourd in Woodbridge, Va.
I'm a good person.
Picture...hm...I'll have to scan something in. Nice to meet ya. ;-D
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-19 15:01:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who are ya, where are ya? And post a picture if yourself if you damn well want to. Just make sure you don't have your tits hanging out or anything (yet) or you WILL get accused of camwhoring.
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-19 14:40:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well hiya Natophelia!
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-19 14:27:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well hiya Sunny!
Submitted by Ann_Landers <Ann_Landers.at.abortionstickle.co> at 2003-12-16 05:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha... crystalline... i avoid drinking with english majors because everything always turns philosophical... whatever the reasonsing... great read.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-12-15 23:50:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-15 23:20:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shite.
First post, and it's wonderful. Welcome to Über, may your stay be long.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-12-15 20:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for 'two beer queers'. I've not heard that expression in years.
+2 for being on speaking terms with the paragraph, whatever your trouble with Jose.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-15 20:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool...
Submitted by Lisechen (user info) at 2003-12-15 20:08:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
And yay for not getting your ass kicked.
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-12-15 20:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to the Überhood, Sunny.
Glad to have you.
As long as you keep saying things like "If having sex with another girl is what it takes to keep from getting my butt kicked seven ways to Sunday, so be it" you'll do just fine here.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-15 20:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn uppity bitches.