How to make your roommate your bitch (1169 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CobraCommander (View user info) at 2003-12-16 20:19:32 EST
One of the worst things about college, besides having to deal with classes and grades, is dealing with your unsavory freshman year roommate, the one person on this earth that's as completely unlike you as possible. The first few weeks are always tense, neither person really sure what the other person stands for and will tolerate, leading to uncharacteristic politeness...
But the day inevitably comes when you realize that the two of you have been steadily pissing each other off, slowly and slowly, nobody saying anything about it, until before you know it, the breaking point has been reached and war has been declared.
I had originally wanted to coexist peacefully alongside "Ivan" and his music; he could listen to U2 on his side of the room, because that's all he ever listened to, and I could listen to my music with the volume low enough so that it wouldn't overwhelm his. Next thing I know, he increases the volume and my music disappears. Not to be outdone, I jack the winamp volume slider to the max, Stroke 9 prevailing over Bono. An arms race of cold war proportions had begun.
Unable to show weakness in the face of aggression, Ivan resorted to using the speaker volume knob. Once again U2 had the upper hand, a temporary setback. However I am not to be intimidated by the threat of force and MAD (Mutually Assured Deafness), and so I responded in kind, and the rhythms of Bob Dylan filled the room. He quickly regrouped and rallied an all out assault - he turned his speakers up to the maximum, the Defcon 1 of speaker wars! Fortunately, he had played right into my gambit, for his pitiful communist technology could never hope to compete with my western audio technology. His built-into the monitor minispeakers against my Creative Labs Inspire 5500. I counterattacked and flanked by turning my high powered 5.1 system up to the maximum.
Our neighbors were pounding on the wall for a cease-fire. Down the hall a girl's eardrums ruptured. Ian shut his computer off and stormed out of the room...so long "tovarich," for today victory was mine.
I had hoped for an armistice and peace in our time, but it was not meant to be. He launched a sneak attack by reporting my partying habits to the RA in the hopes of me getting evicted and him getting the room to himself. Crafty. I like that. A lesser strategist would have retaliated immediately, however, I knew it would be best to bide my time to teach him a lesson in manners...
A few weeks later, I waited until he went to take a leak, at which point I went over to his computer, made a few strategic clicks, and before he knew it, his C: drive was shared on the network with no restrictions on file creation and deletion (although I did put the password "IvanLicksBalls" on it. I may be a warmonger, but I'm not a barbarian). The time had come to test out the proverbial "big stick."
"Hey, Vanya, would you mind turning that down? That's the fifth time this hour I've heard 'Beautiful Day' and I could use some variety."
"Oh why don't you go to hell?"
Hmm. A bit more attitude than I like in a roommate. *Doubleclick* "Network neighborhood" *Doubleclick* "Ian's Computer" *click* "C:\"
<DELETE>
There are few things more satisfying than the sound of a hard drive whirring about madly as it destroys itself, and one of which is the sound of "OH GOD! What the fuck is happening to my baby?!?" It sounds like...victory. However, because I'm not a completely satanic bastard, I decided that Ian didn't quite deserve to have his collection of schoolwork, U2, and pornography erased and hit the Abort button.
When your roommate is a computer geek who's life exists inside his computer, the threat of wiping his C: drive as clean as a virgin's patootie carries a lot of weight. Needless to say, I didn't have any more problems with Ivan, and thus peace was returned to the denizens of room 234.
User Reviews
Submitted by Adam L at 2004-11-01 16:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I wish our network would show his computer.
Oh well, my roomate has the SASSER virus, no matter how many times he re-format's his PC.
He is a bitch, and maybe you can come to Marietta College and do something to him.
Good one though!
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-10-04 22:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2004-10-04 22:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
How clever we are. I bet no one has ever done anything like that before.
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-04 22:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god I get along with my roommate.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-10-04 22:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ahahaha
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2003-12-18 16:32:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. You are my hero. My roommate in the dorms was alright - she was a little psycho, but it never affected me any...but, on the other hand, the little wheels in my head are turning as evil plots form in my head as to what I can do about my roommate I live with now.
This is an excellent idea. He'd probably kill himself if I deleted his entire hard drive.
hahahahahahahaha.
Thanks for the idea.
Phoenix
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-18 14:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nerd. Me likee.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2003-12-17 09:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your name rocks...go joe! Also your computer nerdiness is inspiring
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-17 09:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, I gave this a -1? That was entirely unintentional.
My attention span must be on vacation. Quite sorry.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-17 09:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-17 07:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Nicely written...
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But the day inevitably comes when you realize that the two of you have been steadily pissing each other off, slowly and slowly, nobody saying anything about it...
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That's the your problem: Excessive courtesy.
Submitted by Morpheus (user info) at 2003-12-17 07:20:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try living with four women who all love to have the heat on above 40.
Oh, I'm Canadian, so that's CELSIUS!
-M
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2003-12-17 01:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Smite the shit out of that roommate.
Then have wild sex with me, since clearly your masculinity is off the charts. Whoo baby!
Submitted by jac (user info) at 2003-12-16 23:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
damn, impressive ownage going on there.
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-12-16 22:59:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very teh cool.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-12-16 22:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Semper fi.
Submitted by fuck_DDT (user info) at 2003-12-16 22:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so cool!
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-12-16 22:29:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you are very quickly becoming one of my favorite new guys.
Submitted by Stupac (user info) at 2003-12-16 21:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"This gets my lowest rating ever, seven thumbs up." -Homer
Way to go.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2003-12-16 20:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool
Submitted by kireisarah (user info) at 2003-12-16 20:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah! Awesome. Wish I could do this to my roommate.