What I got for Christmas & why I didn’t sit on Santa’s lap (828 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.12 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TurveyTopsy (View user info) at 2003-12-17 12:13:40 EST
This year is shaping up to be one of the greatest holiday seasons of my 23 years of existence. Forget about the fact that it still feels like late October here in Chicago and drop the notion that with age, years seem to fly by. Instead, embrace the Yuletide tradition in all its glory and sign up to receive the greatest gift of all time (and the ONLY gift I received early this year) ...
A COLONOSCOPY!
Finally my relationship with my doctor has been harmoniously sanctified by the insertion of a finger or two into my rectum and some more 'interesting' objects including, but not limited to, a camera, some tubing, and a healthy amount of lube.
It all started with a simple suggestion during a previous encounter, much in the same way one would attempt to convince a loved one to try something new. "It's healthy. It's the 'thing' to have done," and the less popular "look what could happen if you don't do this." In all honesty, it was the fear of rectal ailments that convinced me, but that's neither here nor there.
After some recommendations, and quite a bit of convincing, I decided the procedure could be the start of a healthy annual tradition of anal poking and prodding by my doc. As added incentive, my insurance agent notified me that the procedure would be covered.
Yippee!
At long last the day arrived and I nervously walked into the doctors office. The typical waiting room huballoo greeted me with casual glances in between reading <insert appropriate waiting room periodical name here> while the receptionist smiled and placed my file in a 'waiting to be done' filing rack. As God as my witness, that is precisely what the label on the rack said.
Somewhere inside me, a voice was laughing, but my expression didn't show this sadistically humorous view. Instead, all at once my stomach and equilibrium fluids in my inner ear did a double back flip and nausea mixed with dizziness ensued.
I sat down next to a business-formal dressed fellow reading a two-month-old issue of Forbes, and leaned forward to find something to read in hopes of easing my troubles. Sadly, the only thing besides books about "Clifford the Red Dog who has a case of Gargantuanism" was a slightly less out-dated issue of Men's Health.
No offense to the author's of Men's Health, but your magazine makes for VERY disturbing and nerve-wracking reading in waiting room, for no sooner than I opened the magazine to a random article, did I come across an advertisement to prevent colon cancer by regular 'examinations' followed by a laundry list of other less lethal anal ailments.
Shortly after my innards finished their last tumbling pass with a double full, a nurse who greeted me with a smile called my name. In my nervousness, I clinched onto the magazine for dear life already having memorized some of those 'less lethal anal ailments' to discuss with my doctor. Particularly along the lines of "my ass is clean and healthy, right?"
After being led to an examination room, I was asked to disrobe and put on an overly large napkin that left my private part covered, but my even more private part, namely my ass, dangling in the open. The nurse also pointed out that I could put on some disposable socks if I wished, demanding that I removed my socks as if Hane's wasn't good enough for her or my doctor.
Psssshhhh!
Shortly after, she left and I disrobed as I gazed nervously around the room. This wasn't the comfortable examining room I was used to being seen in. This room was cold and looked VERY similar to the examination room straight out of that alien autopsy video. As usual, I had to wait FAR longer than I should, and my mind began to wander. I then realized I still had the Men's Health magazine and once again opened it up.
In walks my doctor with a smile. I nervously smile back and immediately apologize for removing the magazine from the waiting room. To this day, I don't know exactly why I apologized. I can remember several precise instants in which I found an interesting article to read and had taken the magazine into the exam with intent to finish it, and I didn't apologize then, but this was different.
My doctor patiently said things were ok and washed his hands. There was a nervous silence afterwards which once again flipped my innards. What do you say to a stranger who's about to fondle your ass? Do you thank them in advance or do you ask them what their turn ons are? I chose the latter and thanked him for recommending the procedure.
I am such an idiot.
I was about to slap myself in the forehead when he chuckled and replied that it was no problem. He then began to explain what he was intending to do and my stomach once again churned.
No sooner did he stop explaining, did he ask me, in a slightly more verbose fashion, to 'assume the position.' For all the men reading my rant, this is the time in which your ass tightens to the point in which NOTHING will get near it. My doctor noticed my nervous reaction and asked me to relax - easy for him to say. I, on the other hand, opened diplomatic channels with my ass, pleading with it to behave accordingly. My ass' response was that of gunboat diplomacy - he was definitely not amused.
Just as I convinced my ass to settle, I heard the snap of a rubber glove. Why the hell do doctors have to do that!? My reaction to the aural stimuli was another provoked tightening.
Bill Cosby wasn't joking when he described the tug of war a man can get into with his ass when it comes to penetration. After much deliberation, and my doctor using synonyms of the word relax more than any speech by the Iraqi Information Minister, my doctor was in, out, and on with life.
I, on the other hand, was left with a slightly uncomfortable posterior and a serious case of the farts. I ended up waddling around for most of the day for fear of 'letting one slide' in a public or otherwise inappropriate place.
Despite all of the nervousness associated with the exam or its results, I highly recommend the procedure so long as you don't a) have meetings later in the afternoon b) mistrust your doctor and c) plan on sitting on Santa's lap.
User Reviews
Submitted by pjswift (user info) at 2003-12-27 22:03:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey Turvey,
Long time, no talk.
PJ
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-19 00:08:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I had a gynocologist stick her finger up my ass once.
It was traumatizing.
I feel your ass-pain.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-12-17 16:23:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My boss (the same 51yo who was hitting on the 19 yo receptionist) comes to me one day as we're walking towards the entrance to the building and says "nothing like having a good looking nurse stick a finger up your ass"
That was distrubing to me.
Submitted by turveytopsy (user info) at 2003-12-17 13:36:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It was a digital rectal exam.
Again, I'm an idiot.
Ironically enough, I was earlier corrected by a friend who was perturbed by my misuse of the the term colonoscopy. I said, what the fuck, it involves my ass being prodded consciously or not.
Anything medical and involving my ass will be hence known to me as a 'colonoscopy.' Ignorance is bliss.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-17 13:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Umm, hate to break it to you, but that was not a colonoscopy. In a colonoscopy they knock you out and stick a big camera up your ass. Of course this is after making you take medicine that causes diarrhea and flushing it out with a few enemas. I was seriously confused for a while as colonoscopies are never recommended until you are at least in your 50's unless there is something wrong. You just had a digital rectal exam. As opposed to the analog rectal exam. What?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-17 13:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Prevention is the key. Kudos for having the guts to do what a lot of people are afraid to do. I lost an uncle to colon cancer a year ago and if he would have had some kind of prior exam the docs would have been able to fix it.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2003-12-17 12:51:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sux for you, but at least you won't die of colon cancer... right?
Submitted by Yogimus (user info) at 2003-12-17 12:30:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A keeper.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-12-17 12:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because it wasn't me.
Submitted by Persecuted (user info) at 2003-12-17 12:20:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
'A COLONOSCOPY! '
I really didn't want to know that.