Masturbation and Over-friendly Sales People (2078 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.57 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sunny (View user info) at 2003-12-17 20:31:35 EST
I don't usually masturbate. Okay, that came out weird. I just prefer the real thing to flying solo, that's all. In fact, if I was to predict what was going to enter my life in the recent future, a vibrator wouldn't be prominent on that list. A friend of mine decided that this was a situation that could not stand, and decided to give me a make-over.
A masturbation make-over...oh lord. Let me back up.
I was hanging out with my friend Jen last night. We went and saw Return of the King (12am showing, oh baby, we are dorks), but before that...well.
Okay, to set up this conversation: we got into it in the first place because she was talking about how her last boyfriend wasn't as good as her vibrator. I was commiserating - poor baby, never let a man do a machine's job, et cetera. I mean, a good man can only last 30 minutes...a 9 volt is good for 6 hours. Yaddah Yaddah. Girl talk. Then I added what was, in retrospect, a stupendously stupid comment. "I've never used a vibrator."
She looks at me like some really oogy sort of bug. "But, you have...masturbated before, right? Double-clicked the mouse? Jilled off?" Err...love you hon, but this is not the type of conversation we need to be having in the middle of the California Pizza Kitchen. Anyway, long story short, she ended up taking me to a place in Bethesda Maryland called Night Dreams.
I admit it, I was intrigued. I like sex as much as the next person. I'm not all that vanilla either, I enjoy the occasional fuzzy-cuff or two thrown in to spice up the mix. I figured, what the hey. At the very least, it would give me Uber material.
Oh MY, the place was full of the most incredible things! Remember those bouncy-ball deals from when we were kids? The kind with the handle that you'd romp around on in the playroom? They have ones like that, but with penises on them! So Jen and I spent a few minutes wandering around, taking in the merchandise. They had the usual deals - scented warming massage oil, a nice collection of porn, edible panties, handcuffs, etc etc. Ho-hum, right? Well then we get to the vibrator/dildo section. There was a giant inflatable penis pointing the way, so it was easy to find. WOW. That's all I can say. WOW. The sheer number and VARIETY of vibrators was mind-boggling. Jen was just pointing out the model she has when it happened. The sales lady asked if we needed any help. AND JEN SAID YES. "My friend here doesn't masturbate. She needs a vibrator."
Oh. My. Dear. God.
Perhaps the sales lady sensed my discomfort. This is not surprising as I had turned the color of curdled milk. I'm sure this lady was very nice, a fine upstanding citizen - but I am not at a point in my life where I can have a face to face discussion about my genitals with someone I met only 5 minutes before. I don't need help picking out a vibrator, hell, I watch Sex in the City, I'm good to go. I was on the verge of saying something to that effect when she looked at me and said, "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Masturbation is very healthy. I masturbate twice a day, at least." Really. That's fabulous. "What were you looking for in a vibe?" Uhm. Well. Er. Then she starts pointing out all these different models. Jelly ones, hard-plastic ones, tiny ones, big curvy ones. My head was spinning. My face was burning. I was going to kill Jen.
Then she pulled out this thing. This monstrous thing. I'm not sure what made me uneasy - it's size, the gas engine, or the fact that it had a kick stand. It was 12 inches long, with a tennis ball sized head. "This is my favorite." Whoo yippee -- glad to know it has a good customer satisfaction rating. I must've looked concerned at the size of the thing...and trust me, this puppy had GIRTH, because she added, "Oh don't worry, you don't put it in your vagina. You use it through a pillow for clitoral stimulation. It's the Cadillac of vibrators."
Jen looked at the greenish cast to my skin, and said perhaps we're looking for something a little less powerful to start out with. I was indignant. "Yes! Something that bears less of a resemblance to a Black & Decker power sander!" The sales lady smiled at me, the pitying smile of the wise to the uninitiated, and handed me another package (haha - a pun) with an innocuous little butterfly shaped dealie enclosed. "This is the Butterfly. You wear it under your clothes for direct stimulation. It's VERY popular." She leaned in a little closer, and winked conspiratorially. "I'm wearing mine right now." This is a selling point? That's funny, I thought it was possible to go for an hour out of the day without getting my rocks off, but apparently I was mistaken.
So. I pick one out. I blame peer pressure. Anyway, we go up to the counter to pay for the thing, and the sales lady who helped us came with...looked at the girl behind the counter, winked and said, "We have a first timer here." The girl behind the counter smiled and said, "Oh you'll LOVE this one. It was my first. I have like four at home."
Ohhhh gracious me.
At least the movie was good.
User Reviews
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did your "friend" show you how to use it?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-05-24 16:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bangbang (user info) at 2004-01-01 23:06:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by ann_landers (user info) at 2003-12-26 00:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maaan, another A+ from this dame. Nice one, hahaa, hilarious and something I've put some female friends of mine through.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-20 01:40:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-12-18 16:00:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Grizzly, why do you assume it's any of your goddamn business how close I am to Kristen?
To clarify: She did not let me listen to her use the vibrator. She turned it on and put it next to the phone. It sounded like a dirt devil.
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HAHAHAHA! Thanks, Ash. You coulda told them how the pulsating, soft humming noise lulled you and I alike into a state of orgasmic bliss...but NOOOOOOOO, you had to call it a Dirt Devil!
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2003-12-19 18:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ehh
Submitted by audjgirl (user info) at 2003-12-19 14:48:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no she shouldn't...blushing and smiling are a good sign..
phinch, if you really want to include yourself as well...they do sell vibrating cock rings (which by the way abso-fucking-lutely amazing...)
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-19 14:39:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the butterfly and the rabbit are happy happy little creatures! The first time I went to one of those stores was with my aunt. She'd recently gotten divorced, and my boyfriend had gone away for his first year of college. At 40-something years old she'd been introduced to the wonderful world of girly toys and thought I should be too. Now I'm the giddy friend who has to initiate others to 'happy stores'.
I wondered what the hell people did with those giant monsters!
Is an L party something like a Fun Party? Yes, boys, it's just like a tupperware party but with plastic weiners.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-12-18 16:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-18 15:48:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a cadillac. On high that puppy can strip paint (low is fine with me). While it isn't designed for internal stimulation, they do sell attachments for it that can be inserted - attachments are a must.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.. (drooling )
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-12-18 16:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I figured, what the hey. At the very least, it would give me Uber material.
----------------
First sign that Uber addiction has set in.
Awesome post!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-12-18 16:04:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ladies, if i buy my girlfriend a vibrator, will freak out? if she does, would it be in a good way or a bad way?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2003-12-18 16:00:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Grizzly, why do you assume it's any of your goddamn business how close I am to Kristen?
To clarify: She did not let me listen to her use the vibrator. She turned it on and put it next to the phone. It sounded like a dirt devil.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-18 15:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a cadillac. On high that puppy can strip paint (low is fine with me). While it isn't designed for internal stimulation, they do sell attachments for it that can be inserted - attachments are a must.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2003-12-18 10:19:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Then she pulled out this thing. This monstrous thing. I'm not sure what made me uneasy - it's size, the gas engine, or the fact that it had a kick stand. "
This mad me laugh out loud and now everyone thinks I'm fucked.
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-18 08:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Otter -- post a picture of myself and get flamed for being a publicity whore? I'm too new for that to be forgivable. :-) If the demand becomes high enough, I'll see what I can do.
Queen -- what's an L party? Am I showing off my extreme ignorance here? Is that like a tupperware party with Babes in Toyland merchandise?
Damn you people. I'm home for break, and bored, and quickly becoming addicted to your witty banter and sarcastic asides.
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-12-18 04:55:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My girlfriend's been using a vibrator for the last five months.
*sigh*
Starting tomorrow/tonight she won't have to do that for the next two weeks.
*BIG SMILE*
I'm going home for the holidays.
Poor rubber cock will feel left out.
Though i wasn't particularly turned on by this post (mentally or physically), unlike some of our underage raters who surely popped a woody when they read the word masturbation, It made me grin at some points, so that technically deserves a +1. I liked the last line the best. I can't wait to see that movie.
Jonukah, I have once seen a female sex store employee. It blew me away too.
Kristen, don't you think you and Ashlee are a bit too close? Or, are you not close enough? I'm not sure which one.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-18 04:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-written post..but you forgot to tell everyone about how when you buy a vibrator they have to open the package and put in batteries and make sure it works before they send you on your way..
*that's* embarrassing..
*buzzzzzzzzzzzz*
"Would you like extra batteries with that?"
"Have a *great* night!"
Submitted by QueenBea (user info) at 2003-12-18 01:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, this was great! I remember way back in the day being amazed at some of the stuff you can find in those places. Now that the net, sex, movies, sex, society, and sex, have de-sensatized (sp) me, I think I have seen it all....lol.
It's fun also to check out the stuff they offer at L-parties.
Queen
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-12-18 01:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sunny, you do realize of course that pictures of you are now required, right? Get to posting!
Great story, well writen.
Submitted by Persecuted (user info) at 2003-12-17 23:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Night Dreams is not a PORN store, it's a SEX TOY store. There's a difference. Railroad Video in Durham is porn store. It's open 24 hours and has XXX in blinding neon letters six feet high on a billboard outside. Night Dreams caters more to chicks, I think. It has a wide variety of all sorts of...er...instruments of pleasure, including a huge S&M section. Apparently people like help when selecting these items. I always thought that's what the internet was for, maybe I'm old fashioned. :-D
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Great post. In Australia we have a HUGE adult store chain called 'naughty but nice'. Long story short, when I was about 14 one of the kids at schools mum got a job there as a saleswoman.
Fun times.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is me smiling.
Good story.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kickarse story!!!!!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tom can help you out.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16939
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:08:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just last night let Ashlee listen to my vibrator! That's so funny! And then I tossed it on my bed and it bounced once and fell on the floor and I cracked up...it was just really funny to watch my blue plastic penis "jump" on the bed and fall off! :P
Oh My Load. I'm e-mailing you my mobile phone number. Call me ANYTIME and do that.
My eyes are watering.
Good times.
Submitted by GiantPacu (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:45:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of rubber vaginas...Okay so I wasn't actually there but everyone tells me about it so its got to be true! Right? Anyway, so freshman year...living in the dorms...and a bunch of my friends are looking for porn in one of our hallmates room. If you knew this man you would believe that he had porn. Horniest bastard ever, he used to have to suck up his saliva when you asked him about porn stars. But I digress, so they're looking for porn and they happen across a box under his bed. The young adventurers open it up only to find *ding ding ding* a rubber vagina in a ziplop bag. The *ahem* icing on the cake there was a mysterious liquid all over said vagina and bag. I'm going to give the young man the benefit of the doubt and assume it was KY.
Anyway...its all heresy...take as you will.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ones you have to worry about are the ones that plug in.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, I think I'm blushing...
Very well written!
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hehehe...practicing I guess. I pity the girl he tries his technique on.
I meant to mention...I saw the sex dolls while I was there, took a gander...and what's the attraction? I can see someone getting their jollies with a RealDoll, those things are pretty hot. But the blow up dolls in the store were about as arousing as balloon animals.
On the upside, I saw male blowup dolls, complete with fleshy dildo. Good to know for the day when my Rabbit Habit breaks.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No, y'all wanna hear a crazy story? I was in a sex shoppe (two p's and an 'e' makes it quaint.) and walked down this aisle where there were mock vaginas. This guy had his finger in one! I had to run to the next aisle so I wouldn't laugh in his face.
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:15:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's okay, Jonukah, I don't care about the rating, your comments were funny enough.
Night Dreams is not a PORN store, it's a SEX TOY store. There's a difference. Railroad Video in Durham is porn store. It's open 24 hours and has XXX in blinding neon letters six feet high on a billboard outside. Night Dreams caters more to chicks, I think. It has a wide variety of all sorts of...er...instruments of pleasure, including a huge S&M section. Apparently people like help when selecting these items. I always thought that's what the internet was for, maybe I'm old fashioned. :-D
Submitted by korthrun (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story. I thinking about getting myself a fleshlight. Just don't know how to explaine to to the woman. I know she would find it to.
Korth
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:10:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But I'm sure what everyone wants to know is have you used it yet and is it as good as the salesladies say.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:08:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just last night let Ashlee listen to my vibrator! That's so funny! And then I tossed it on my bed and it bounced once and fell on the floor and I cracked up...it was just really funny to watch my blue plastic penis "jump" on the bed and fall off! :P
Submitted by PizzaEagle (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:06:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
wow Jonuka - you need to get out more.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-17 21:05:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really sorry. I forgot to rate. Like five times. I would add in another five +2s to make up for it, but I've done enough already
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you ever need help....I'm great with instruction manuals, and good with my hands..
Should I stop junking up this post?
I'm having way too much fun with this
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do they work on commission? What is the overhead like?
Overhead.....mwahahahah
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:38:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit, did you say Bethesda, MD? That is like a half an hour away from me. What was the name?
Night Dreams? I'm going there right now
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You have saleladies in your porn stores? Oh wait, let me back that up...
YOU HAVE FUCKING SALESLADIES IN YOUR PORN STORIES? Where the fuck do you live?
I'm moving there right now.
All we got at the local Pack-Shack (that is the name) Is a 600 pound cashier..no exageration.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gas powered...
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2003-12-17 20:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, and funny as hell.