Defending Porn's Good Name (1300 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.55 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CobraCommander (View user info) at 2003-12-17 21:40:55 EST
I don't brag about it much, and it's not something that is openly discussed in public, but I must say that I like porn.
Now now, just hear me out for a minute, because I assure you that I'm not a pervert. All I'm saying is that I can appreciate good porn for what it is, and lets face it, porn just doesn't seem to ever get old. That being said, and having recently discovered extended cable for the first time ever, I find myself annoyed with a bastardization in the name of porn: Skinemax (aka Cinemax) and Ho-time (aka Showtime), and yet I am not even remotely a porn connoisseur.
My understanding of porn is that you pop in a tape or change a channel, watch the opening credits, and then much like clockwork people start having sex. I'm not interested in the plot, and I couldn't give two shits in Brooklyn about the character development, the whole reason I went into the pornography section of the video store in the first place is because I'm not getting any from the missus and I want to see people fucking goddamnit. Now that I think about it, the whole premise of a porn movie lasting longer than 30 minutes is a bit redundant, because lets be honest, any crazy shit that they want to bust out later on in the movie they can definitely fit in half an hour. Any more than that can easily be fit into a "special features" section of a DVD under "Special Angles" or "Actress biography: Taking it up the ass like a champ." There really isn't any reason why the gangbang finale has to take place in the last 20 minutes, frontload that shit and get it done. But I digress.
So you can imagine my surprise when I was watching cable and I wisely opted to change the channel to "Erotic Obsessions" instead of "Timecop". After all, porn has to be better than VanDamme any day of the week, right? Right?
Wrong.
Unbeknownst to me, I had stumbled upon a new type of "porn," though I'm not so sure it deserves to be named so. Rather than focusing on the basics, the focus was on *gasp* plot development! As if we REALLY care whodunit? And you can tell its bad porn because at those moments when you're thinking to yourself "Ohhhh boy, here we go, they're gonna get naked!" NOTHING HAPPENS! Honestly, even in REAL LIFE, if I'm a cop who's interviewing a bikini-clad vixen, and that chick pulls her top down and says "Look, detective, why don't the two of us go inside and get more...comfortable?" while licking her lips, *BAM* interview is over and I'm already starting to loosen my tie. But I assure you, that NEVER in my sexual conquest of the world will that happen to me and I'll respond with "Ma'am, please put your top on. I have some more questions to ask you and then I'll get out of your hair." WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?!? That's not realistic, even for a porn movie, and it happens about five times during the damn thing! "Oh, here we go, gonna see some action, oh wait, nevermind."
Let's face it, in a true porno, ANYbody will have sex with ANYone else under ANY circumstances. On Cinemax, however, two people will stop the bumpin and grinding because another chick just walked into the room. Come on!
And that's not even the worst part. Assuming that they principal characters finally cut out the bullshit and decide to get down to business, it's about as intense as two eighth graders holding hands by the water fountain at the school sock hop, afraid to make out because their braces will get caught on each others's. The intercourse boils down to one of three options:
1) The guy is doing her doggystyle. Except he's not doing her doggystyle, because anybody that's either a) seen a member of the opposite sex naked or b) slept through a high school biology class can tell that he's not getting any penetration, rather he's just working the hell out of her asscheek and we're more likely to get aroused by watching the Simpsons.
2) She's doing the "Ride 'em Cowboy" while he's sitting down on a chair or lying in bed. Or so it would seem, because a not-so-close examination reveals that she's just grinding on his bellybutton. The net result is the guy gets blueballs and all the viewer gets to see are her jiggling tits (if we're lucky) and some bare ass. Much more practical to steal a Playboy out of dad's closet.
3) It's two chicks going at it. Not necessarily lesbo action, because the chicks also "get with" the guys in the movie, but every guy gets excited as this scene starts because the voice in the backs of our heads goes "LESBO ACTION LESBO ACTION!" and come on guys, we all want the lesbo action. Sets a very high expectation, and fails miserably, because we are rewarded with the sight of two chicks making out with the occasional tit shot or the sight of one chick licking the other chick's bellybutton raw. It's two girls, so you would think that the chances of seeing bush are doubled, however we are left holding our proverbial dicks on that one.
Every scene is the same so if you want a decent moneyshot, 4 to 20-way gangbang, or some good old fashioned buttsex, forget it. The music changes to porn rock, the guy starts groping her rack like he's working over a mafia informant, and the girl unrealistically starts moaning and writhing in agony by the very fact that he's breathing on her. She'll pretend to give him a blowjob by kneeling down and moving her head around the genital region. A lot of kissing, see her bare ass, see his bare ass, see her tits, shot of her moaning, sweat glistening on his back, another shot of her moaning, ass shot, moaning, tit shot, and JUST as you think you're gonna get a shot of some serious pipe being laid, you get to see her moaning again. Before you know it, they're putting their clothes back on.
This is by far the biggest tease in the world. At least if I go to redhead.com (my girl's a redhead, I have a fetish, sue me) I get to see some serious shit even though I'm not a paying member and never will be. Granted it's not watching a movie, but it's still better than the cocktease shit they show on Cinemax. The only kind of person that can get their rocks off on that crap probably jerks off to passing Greyhound busses.
Goddamnit, I want some quality porn to watch, and it's time to take matters into my own hands. Here's my video camera, here's a policeman uniform, I'm giving my girlfriend a call...
User Reviews
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-18 15:14:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"she's just grinding on his bellybutton"
hahahahaaa How about when you can actually see AIR between them? Nothing but empty space. MMmmmm...that's hot.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-18 14:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey Grizzly,
Actually, I'm 22, and yes, I'm very aware that many of you were aware of B porn before i made this post. My whole point was that I wasn't and it pissed me off once i saw it.
Read my other posts. Since when do 16 year olds go to airborne and air assault school. Gimme a fuckin break.
Submitted by Slopster53 (user info) at 2003-12-18 13:39:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah B Porn sucks we all new it before this post.
Submitted by Cup_of_Joe (user info) at 2003-12-18 10:23:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed when I read this and the replies so I have nothing bad to say about this. As for any comments about the post itself....umm no comment.
grizzly-Men never give up porn. Porn puts hair on your chest.
Thank you and drive thru
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2003-12-18 03:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
*sigh*
You guys are pathetic.
Otter, is it at all possible in your fucked-up, 15-year old mind that the guy she was riding had a panty fetish so that's why she kept them on? Just push the crotch to the side. Not that I'm saying they're actually fucking, but come on, dumbass, it's not a porno, so why WOULD there be actual fucking? Please.
Cobra,
When you watch one of those channels that are not the Playboy Channel or some other porn channel (I'm sure there are many) then you KNOW ahead of time that you're not going to see any thing that YOU're obviously looking for. If you want the crotch shot, just go to Kazaa and knock your monkey out. Now if you want to watch a movie that will give you a couple of stiffies, enough to get you warmed up and ready to go, then watch one of those Red Shoe Diaries/Blue Light Movies/Cinimax/Showtime/etc. movies where the erotic scenes only add to the drama. They are NOT a "new type of 'porn' " numbnuts. They're movies with some tits and ass, nothing more.
You can't be older than 16. Playboy out of dad's closet? Please. You shouldn't even be looking at porn.
Or, you could just give up porn and actually use all that pent-up sexual energy on your girlfriend (so she could actually have an orgasm for once).
I gave up porn.
One day down, a lifetime to go *sigh*
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was watching a movie that somehow turned up in my tape collection one time. I was in the mood to see some nekid chicks and honestly, the only movie I owned with naked boobs was Robocop. There is one very very brief scene where the camera passes a woman putting on her body armour, and you se her breasts for 1/10th of a second as pre-Robo Murphy is walking through the locker room.
Anyway, I put in this movie and it sounded like it would have at least a few boob shots in it.
I watched, got bored, hit fast foreward...hey, they's in the bedroom...play. I kid you not, the chick had her underwear on the entire time, while riding the naked guy, her hand strategically places so as not to show ANYTHING.
There were five love sceane the entire movie, everylast one of them was exactly like this, the ladies keeping the under garmets on, the men naked, but hidden, not that I was caring if the guys were even in the scene at all, but I figured if I have to look at a naked guy in a movie, they should at least reward me with a bare nipple.
As far a the "Skinemax" movies, I just think of them as regular movies that go one step furthur. They do indeed tend to tease, but I guess that's what make s the actress more respectable.
Howefver, I did see Kathryn Bell of JAG fame in one of those movies that is more like a collection of short stories. About blew my load right then and there. I guess there is something about seeing an actress like her doing something less reputeable. Well, you do have to start at the bottom and work your way up.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:03:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking softcore.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-17 22:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fair enough. Normally I prefer to write about my own exploits, but I was watching Cinemax last night and it really pissed me off. Felt it needed addressing.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I won't say you're wrong. But okay, here's a -1, since it's more accurate. I've seen better.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:52:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on now, you can't tell me I'm wrong here.
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:52:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-17 21:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Blah blah fucking blah. You can do better than this tripe, Cobra. Seriously.