Fuck You, Smiles Entertainment, I'm Stealing Your Money (1867 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 76 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <maiorano84.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-21 03:27:41 EST
I was sitting here today thinking about all of the shitty jobs I had, in the shittiest businesses, in the shittiest state: Connecticut. Then I thought about how as shitty as my job was, the customers were shittier.
Keep in mind, I've worked as a stockboy for NAMCO, canvassing for the Sierra Club (http://www.ubersite.com/m/19474), waiting tables at various restaurants, and best of all: a change attendant at Smiles Entertainment.
I would have thought that working at an arcade would be fun. I like video games once in awhile, playing free games of laser tag and pool is always great, and all the wonderful discounts I would be seeing would be worth standing around breaking bills for people 8 hours a day. Boy, was I ever wrong. I should have guessed who this type of job was meant for when I applied. I was asked all sorts of intense questions, and the fat bitch manager would look up at me after reading them as if to say, "Ha! Bet you're racking your brain now, aren't ya, fucker?"
Here were some of the brain-racking problems:
1. What is 2+2+2+4+2?
2. Describe at least two ways of breaking $20
3. How many quarters make up $2?
4. How many dimes in $1?
5. Which is heavier: a 50 lb. bag of rocks, or a 50 lb. bag of feathers?
Oh, the trickery.
So you can see that qualified workers require HALF A FUCKING BRAIN CELL in order to work at this genuine funhouse-for-fuckers.
GRAND EXPERIENCE #1:
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
During my first week, management had me working batting cages. It was simple enough: make sure people don't get stupider by getting cracked in the skull by a ball, make sure the machines don't get clogged, refund lost tokens, and sweep everything when there's nothing better to do. I now realize that being a change attendant is quite similar to being a janitor. We were always cleaning. One day, this redneck and his inbred sons come up to hit a few. I was fine with that, and I got them set up to play. I lead the redneck over to one of the cages, and he asked me which cage fired the fastballs. I directed him to the fastball cage, and got him set up.
Now, if you were in my position, wouldn't you naturally assume that this guy would know what he was doing? The ball comes steaming over the plate, and this redneck fucker had the nerve to look surprised. Not only did he not have a clue what he was doing, but I had to yell at the asshole to get off the plate.
I'm not a baseball player. I don't know the first thing about baseball. I tried playing it, and I suck. But the one thing I know is YOU DON'T STAND ON THE FUCKING PLATE WHEN A BALL IS PITCHED TO YOU AT 90 MILES AN HOUR
Then, he come running out of the cage telling me how he wanted his money back, and how he was going to sue me for endangering him. His little shits were looking at me like I came off the bottom of their shoes. It was then that I began envisioning all of them having their eyes gouged out with soldering irons, and I felt a little better. But I still couldn't help but tell this fucker, "Fine. Go ahead and talk to my manager. Hell, I'll call him down here right now. You can tell him exactly what happened, and five bucks says he'll laugh at your lame ass."
Ever notice how rednecks always either drive a trailer, a red pickup, or a red pickup with a trailer attached to it? This guy had the pickup, and I guess he must have thought it was hot shit because it could peel out. Needless to say, I felt pretty good. This spawned my hatred for trashy rednecks.
GRAND EXPERIENCE #2:
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
After a month or two of working at this shithole, I began working at the prestigious Kiddie Land. Not only do I get to break bills, but I get to chill with shit-eating kids and loud obnoxious women. Oh, and if I need a smile on my face, I can clean machines for a break. Joy, rapture, halle-fuckin-luia.
One night, near closing time, there was a knock on the door in the rear entrance. Two kids were standing outside, and I figured that they were just trying to head up to the arcades. So I open the door, and one of them pulls a gun on me. Then, he says all tough-like, "Gimmie all your fuckin' money."
It was a long day, but I could tell this asshole was full of shit.
1. The gun itself was too damn small to be taken seriously
2. It was obvious he didn't know what the hell he was doing because I could have easily beaten the shit out of him right there
3. Even though I was alone in one section the entire building was filled with people and a few cops
4. The 'chamber' couldn't have held anything larger than a BB
5. There were the words 'Connecticut Lighters' on the side.
So, with my infinite wisdom, I said, "Fuck you" and shut the door in his face. I turned my back, finished cleaning up, grabbed my paycheck, and went home. Only in Connecticut would some dumbass try and hold up a change attendent with a lighter.
Useless job, useless people, useless state. I hate it all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-01-02 23:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-12-24 15:02:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cellar_door (user info) at 2003-12-24 00:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny haha.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this and I liked your sign.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-12-23 21:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um... a friend of mine got done for holding up a newsagents (drinks store) with a such a lighter and a rubber knife.
He was going down for five years, but his solicitor got him to say he was a coke addict (not entirely true - he'd done it twice in a year)...
He eventually did a bunk to Southern Ireland and we havent seen him since.
Oh Paddy - if you're reading this - that night you nicked that cash and picked us up all those fags and four bottles of newcastle brown ale was kick ass... nice one.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2003-12-22 19:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I live maybe 20 minutes away from Smiles. I've gone there a few times.
The lasertag there sucks. It was so fucking badass 7 years ago when it was called Q-Zar.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-12-22 15:17:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2003-12-22 03:11:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How about Bart make's it so your rating only counts once on a post? So fucking retards like -2 man can play with themselves all they want and it won't matter.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And another for positive 2 man. He rocks.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/7990
Good post though.
Submitted by big poppa at 2003-12-21 22:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, ur the shit. thats all i gotta say. not only did you manage to find the most irrelevent yet hilarious sign known to man, u made fun of red necks and talked about stupid people. again. you do that a lot. as long as you do, ull always have topics. keep this shit flowin!... i like that guys answer...
Submitted by TheDoc (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:23:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this post becuase I know exactly what you are talking about. Plus its as funny as fuck. Good work.
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that happened to me once...
I pistol whipped him
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-12-21 21:42:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
Submitted by Pseudovillain (user info) at 2003-12-21 20:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear that.
But I must disagree, you see; New Mexico is the shittiest state in the world. I've been there once and there is no greater culmination of rednecks and salad-eatin' cowboys in all of the US.
When I'm in charge, I'm nuking it.
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
site
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
uber
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
peace
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:29:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bring
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:29:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
man
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
negative
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
defeat
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
to
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2s
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:28:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rate
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:27:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
will
Submitted by Positive2Man (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I
Submitted by hood <lns0mniac.at.Hotmail.com> at 2003-12-21 17:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, ur the shit. thats all i gotta say. not only did you manage to find the most irrelevent yet hilarious sign known to man, u made fun of red necks and talked about stupid people. again. you do that a lot. as long as you do, ull always have topics. keep this shit flowin!
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-21 17:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Way to outmanuever the mental giants.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2003-12-21 16:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yay! Thanks Kristen! Most heated!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-21 16:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good post, too bad it got trashed.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, I'm really finished.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, again.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Enough rambling.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I save myself the trouble and just pour the sauce on me.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I just have to aim the next drip to my socks and I'll have an ensemble.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:23:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
At least my shirt and pants match now.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And there goes another tobasco drip, this time on my pants.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Since when has it been cold in Florida? This sucks.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just dripped tobasco sauce on my shirt.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lalalalala
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 13:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2003-12-21 12:58:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, that was really clever, tool.
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
back.
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
comming
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
or
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
die,
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
better
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
rating
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 09:00:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:56:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
it.
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hate
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:55:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
'cause
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ground
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:55:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
into
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2ed
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
getting
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:54:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
is
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
post
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2003-12-21 08:54:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This
Submitted by Choppa (user info) at 2003-12-21 07:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A dime is one cent right?
so there would be a hundred?
can you buy anything with a dime?
or i am thinking of a penny?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2003-12-21 06:28:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jordanna (user info) at 2003-12-21 06:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cooley21 (user info) at 2003-12-21 04:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad for the time of day....
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2003-12-21 03:54:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5. Which is heavier: a 50 lb. bag of rocks, or a 50 lb. bag of feathers?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm afraid I sat there for a second and thought, "Der! The rocks!"
Then I slammed my head a few times, woke up the hamster running my brain, and it clicked. "Ohhhhh."
I just got off a plane. I'm tired. I'm grabbing at straws here.
Ok, I'm a dumbass.
Good post, by the way. Very good.
Submitted by Scrawberry (user info) at 2003-12-21 03:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ever notice how rednecks always either drive a trailer, a red pickup, or a red pickup with a trailer attached to it?
***************************************************************************************************
yes.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-12-21 03:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by balbudda (user info) at 2003-12-21 03:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ 2 for the sign alone.