farting... everyone does it (1867 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.53 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sir matthew holloway <the_holloway.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-21 18:11:05 EST
everyone does it. in fact, i just did it myself. i really believe i have a problem with it, but its made some damn good memories. and now i will share some of those incidents with you... and if you dont like them, guess you had to be there.
incident number one: THE COMPUTER NOISE
I have to start out with this one, and as much as i wish i could, i cannot take credit for it. my friend and i were on his computer, checking some email or something pointless. and naturally he rips one. this was no normal passing of gas however, this was long. like not just long jump, but triple long jump. it goes on for like 5 seconds and im wondering if the end is near. it was not. im sitting there laughing as hard as i can and pissing my pants (so theres a huge mess of human fluids), and his mom, who is sitting in the dining room, puts down her glass of orange juice, walks in, and questions us on why the computer is making such a funny noise. as if the fart itself wasnt enough laughter, his mom has now added this, and i start pissing even more. i didnt even have enough fluids in me to piss what i did, so i probably lost some important fluid. anyways, the "noise from the computer" continued for at least 5 more seconds and my friend basically passes out from exhaustion. so what a mess we were in. me with piss and other fluids all over me, the rank smell of shit in the air, and my friend who is exhausted from all of the pushing. it was a moment ill never forget.
incident number two: CLEARING THE CHOIR CLASS
everyone in my entire school knows i have this problem. so when someone wants to frame another person, they come to me. so were in choir class, and theres this kid that thinks he is hot shit. someone was like, lets frame him... so i did. im the only person i know that can fart on command. so anyways, to add to the situation, let me explain this kid to you. he just turned 17 recently, and you could mistake him for your grandfather. he is like the "group leader" for the choraleers (singing AND dancing... at the same time... what a talent) so anyways i do it right in the middle of a song, me and my buddy are laughing it up, everyone's looking at grandpa assuming he did it, and the accompinast stops playing. she looks up from her piano, and immediately spots the culprit. this was one of those things at any other time she would have laughed and said good one grandpa, without stopping throughout the song, oh but this time she sends him out of the room and tells him not to re-enter until he can control his flatulance outbursts. this immediately sets me off again and i rip yet another as he is leaving the room. everyone is in tears from laughing so hard and i think one kid stopped breathing. but with the sound comes... thats right, the smell. suddenly my friend cups his hands over his nose and his eyes begin to water even more. i think i knocked the entire pussy tenor section out cold. everyone begins dropping like flies until I, MYSELF, cannot stand the stench and i became dizzy. at this point everyone is fanning it at the teacher who is lecturing us on how people (choraleer group leaders to be specific) should control their bodily functions. suddenly, like a 115 pound quarterback gets blindsided by a 350 pound lineman, it hits her. right in the middle of a word, she begins coughing, and her eyes begin to water. at this point, only me and 4 other people in the class were conscious (a hint of sarcasm there), and we begin to laugh until two of those four pass out. this teacher is very strict mind you and she makes the students suffer by watching the clock until the exact second for lunch. oh but this one day, when everyone had regained consciousness, she let us go to lunch 12 minutes early. what a good day.
incident number three: THROUGH THE VENTS
me and some friends were on our way home from a kickass concert (taproot, the revolution smile, and s.t.u.n. at foxtown city limits in pittsburg, ks) and my friend was driving behind me. we would usually take only one vehicle, oh but this was taproot and many people needed a ride. most people chose to ride with my friend, cause he has an $11,000 cougar and i have like a $2,000 grand am. so theres a person or two in my car, and i rip a pretty nasty one. everyone in my car immediately rolls down their windows and begin whining like the little pussy bitches they are. it was one of those that lingers and it was there for quite a bit. suddenly, my friends car whips it into a gas station. i have to turn around and go back to see if something is wrong. theyre all out of the car, crawling on the ground (<--exaggeration) and gasping for air.
"what happened" i ask with my window rolled down approaching them
"i think we passed some of the worst cattle fields in the world" someone replies
everyone in my car kind of gave it a second to settle in and then we split our sides wide open with laughter. took 6 stitches in fact. we explained to them that i had shit my pants, we rolled down our windows, and it entered through their vents. my car was then showered with barbecue sauce and old drinks, and we were again on our way.
i assure you these events are all real, and i do indeed have witnesses to each one. i hope they bring you as much pant-pissing joy as they did me, only without the smell. when i can think of more, i will gladly post them. until then, enjoy my FIRST POST!!
adios,
the_holloway
User Reviews
Submitted by King of all Farters at 2004-01-09 17:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Submitted by Kali (user info) at 2003-12-23 23:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was pretty funny
i think the best one was the first
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Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:37:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating a chick's bum out once.
She farted, but I plugged her anus with my
tongue before it could come out.
"Intergalactic Superstatic!"
--------
this almost made me piss my pants
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2003-12-23 18:20:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by the_holloway (user info) at 2003-12-23 12:55:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
taproot owns over most bands and ANY rapper/punk/pop singer or band. but glad i could make you laugh
Submitted by FuriousGeorge (user info) at 2003-12-22 10:31:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You made me laugh and all, but dude, Taproot fucking sucks.
Submitted by Kennon <kennon1st.at.excite.com> at 2003-12-22 00:46:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was some funny stuff. Even better since I know "grandpa." Hurry up and write some more good stuff down.
Submitted by Chuck Holt <big_chuck_78.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-12-22 00:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a hard time believing the car vent one, but it was funny as hell
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was eating a chick's bum out once.
She farted, but I plugged her anus with my
tongue before it could come out.
"Intergalactic Superstatic!"
Submitted by the_holloway (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
isaac zecks can blow me because:
1. he likes that kind of thing
2. he would be very good at that kind of thing
3. he has a 2 inch penis
4. i own isaac zecks
5. he farts and he knows it
6. my article is better than ANYTHING he has ever wrote
7. he is probably some balding 40 year old
8. i am still a junior in high school
9. when i turn 40 i plan to be doing something with my life
10. i own isaac zecks
Submitted by Zeccs (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:12:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't read this because:
1.Isaac Zeccs tosses in his ...
2.farting... everyone does it
3.A total lack of originalit...
4.farting... everyone does it
5.farting... everyone does it
6.farting... everyone does it
7.farting... everyone does it
8.farting... everyone does it
9.farting... everyone does it
10.farting... everyone does it
Fuck you, you hit-whore.
Submitted by the_holloway (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:58:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i see... thanks man anything else i need to know?
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was funny and the -2 first post thing is retarded. I don't like it. But just a hint for the future....don't +2 yourself. Even though it doesn't affect the rating people still don't like it.
Submitted by the_holloway (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well i didnt know.... :S is it possible to edit my document and scratch that? if not...
EVERYONE I DIDNT KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by the_holloway (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:30:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well i didnt know.... :S is it possible to edit my document and scratch that?
Submitted by sempboy (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Evev i almost gave a -2 for first post..but this was truly hilarious
i almost wish i could fart like that.
Submitted by jake <mr_guitar_14.at.msn.com> at 2003-12-21 21:56:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this kicks ass
Submitted by adam34 at 2003-12-21 19:26:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-12-21 19:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
CHeck out the read me for new ubersite users. It says so right in there.
Submitted by jason c. <jason_c642.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-12-21 19:00:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny. And whats wrong with him saying it's his first post?
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-12-21 18:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Man, you had a great thing going until you said FIRST POST.
I would have given you a plus two, however, I am now fighting back the urge
to -2 you for saying first post.
Here, have a sympathy +1.
The story was all right and I only liked it because
my friend Brett once let out a fart so powerful that I could feel it on the floor
I was sitting on. The floor was a concrete dorm floor in the towers at ISU. The fart
literally sook the floor. It was also loud and long and ant like three in the morning
while we were playing the original Warcraft.
Submitted by Tiffany at 2003-12-21 18:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHA MATT! You're SO gross! I can see all this nasty smellin stuff happening in my head while you laugh or piss your pants and everybody pukes!!
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-12-21 18:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
although the topic alone nearly evoked an automatic -2, this was quite funny.
+2 my good man
and a merry christmas!
seb
Submitted by ASDFGGH at 2003-12-21 18:46:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
farts are awesome. quiet rooms...loud farts. A+ combo.
Submitted by Pseudovillain (user info) at 2003-12-21 18:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A night or so ago, I was remarking to my cat at how fat he was getting whilst I held him, cradled like a baby. He looks me directly in the eye, rips one-football player style-and runs off. I've never heard him make any sound louder before that night.
Submitted by the_holloway (user info) at 2003-12-21 18:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
its mine, and my first one... and i laughed.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2003-12-21 18:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks Ziggy's gotten too preachy, too!
-- Homer Simpson
The Last Temptation of Homer
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-21 18:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Marge, let's end this feudin' and a-fussin' and get down to some lovin'.
-- Homer Simpson
Colonel Homer