Redheaded Rage, or Hell Hath No Fury (1489 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.43 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sunny (View user info) at 2003-12-21 22:29:17 EST
I am a stressed out individual. Christmas is a stressful time in general, all the shopping and the crazy people in malls and child-molester Santas on streetcorners...and then my "recovering" alcoholic mother decides to go on a bender, thus flipping out my entire family. My little sister, who's so ADHD she resembles a Jack Russell on amphetamines, has been parading around the house with her ass squarely on her shoulders, and I want to drop kick her through a wall. My father is cornering me for conversations about what I will do with the "estate" if his fat ass should fall victim to death by a fucking snickers bar. If I was allowed to have alcohol in the house, you bet your sweet ass it would be Miller Time. However, I can't because my mom would use it in her cheerios, thus I am regrettably sober. However, I am strong. I am the oldest, I am in charge, I shall perservere.
How does this relate to my professor, you ask. Well, eager reader, prepare to be enlightened. I am in the process of applying to graduate school for Forensic Anthropology. You had no idea I was a ghoul in addition to being a nerd, did you? Anyway, this seemingly innocuous undertaking has been a process of hair-ripping proportions, because the United States Army owns my soul. It was a judgement call on my part, and I made the mistake of thinking that my life was worth two years of full tuition. Now I'm done with college, and I want to delay my service so I can go to (more) school. The hoops I have had to jump through to get my educational delay you would not believe. Smuggling cocaine in from Mexico would be easier.
I am a Biological Anthropology and Anatomy major. I went to South Africa two summers ago, as part of an archaeological dig, and it was on this little adventure that I cultivated my desire to go to graduate school. My professor, Dr. X, encouraged this. This semester I've been working with him on a project, trying to determine if this Neanderthal died by foul play, which would make him the oldest known murder victim in the fossil record. Very cool right? Anyway, Dr. X took a liking to me (I'm convinced it's my ginormous rack...or my tush, which has also garnered compliments) and said he would write me a letter of recommendation for grad school. You need three to apply to any biological anthropology program in the country, so I was pretty juiced to have his, as he is very well known in the field. I gathered together the necessary materials and gave them to him in an packet on November 1st. Keep in mind the deadlines for two of these programs is January 1st, and the 15th for the other four. That's two full months. I could write a book in two months. Empires have risen and fallen in the time I gave him. So I gave him PLENTY of time to submit the letters, right?
Well, I get an email today from a secretary at George Washington University here in DC, saying that they are still missing my last letter of recommendation. Why, which of my professors neglected to send their letter? Surely this must be a mistake! Perchance there is foul play at work? I rushed to the computer and checked (all of the applications were submitted online). Lo and behold, it was Dr. X! Dr. X, that cocky son of a bastard dog, has fucked me over for the last time!
He must die. I might have been able to cope with this disappointment any other week, but this was not my day to be fucked with and an example must be made for all others to see. You see, he caught me in a vendetta sort of mood, and when I'm through with him he can tell the angels in heaven he never saw rage so singularly personified as he did in the face of the cute little redhead who killed him.
Punishment the first. Stab him in the face with a fork. Obviously he's so damn smart his brain has gotten too big for his skull. Let's ventilate that puppy.
Punishment the second. Break into his house while he's in the bathtub and toss a marmot in, a la the nihilists in Lebowski. Once the marmot has chewed off his essentials, I'll toss in a toaster for good measure.
Punishment the third. Go Urban Legend on his ass, harvest his organs for the black market, and make myself a little cash on the side.
Punishment the fourth. Surriptitiously bump him into the pirhana tank at the Baltimore aquarium, then pass out his bare bones to his skeletal anatomy as take-home examples.
Punishment the fifth. Sew his asshole shut and keep feeding him and feeding him and feeding him. (Thank you Wu-Tang Clan)
Punishment the sixth. Bury him in that paperwork that he doesn't do. All the way up to his neck. Then pour gasoline on it and light it up, because he does hate it oh so much.
Punishment the seventh. Cut his dick off. At the neck.
All of these are good...but I think I'm going to take a slightly different route. I think I'm going to rip his skin off, dip him in lemon juice...and then lay his mouth down on a curb and give the back of his head a nice stomp a la American History X.
With my training in forensic procedure, I can get away with it. I'll just dismember the corpse, and put it in with the tanks of dermestid beetles we use for macerations...a poetic ending for the burr in my asscheek that is Dr. X.
Motherfucker is just lucky he didn't catch me on my period. Then he'd REALLY have hell to pay. Hell hath no fury like a redhead scorned.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nosearian (user info) at 2004-03-09 09:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister, cousin, cousin, cousin, aunt, neice, nephew are all red heads.
I was born with red hair but somehow turned out with dark brown. Go figure!
You rock DCUberens!!!
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-29 19:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
WHOO HOO!
I got an email from Dr. X, he sent in my letters!
*happy dance*
Mike, I appreciate the thought, but it's no longer necessary! Yay for me.
Now if only I could sober up the witch who spawned me, I'd be truly happy.
I really shouldn't say I live in DC, it's generally easier when talking to people out of state, because if I say, "Woodbridge, Va" noone has any idea where the hell I'm talking about.
DC Uberers unite. Can I call myself an Uberer yet? Oh well!
Submitted by Mike <boarder.at.gwu.edu> at 2003-12-29 19:13:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I work in the graduate career development offices at the George Washington University, and we have close contacts with graduate admissions. I'm sure there are ways to obtain a delay on the recommendation deadline of the application process, although I can't do a check on that till school starts back on the 11th.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2003-12-29 18:42:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I live in DC proper, on GA Ave.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-29 18:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Firefly and I are from DC (ok Greenbelt, but who's counting?)
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-29 18:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Smokymtcsw -- No, don't know AlwaysanEagle. I lurked on this site for a couple of months, then got up the courage to post like...two weeks ago? Three? I'm still very much a newb. A DC Uber meet up would be awesome though, I know Cobra would want in (though he's no longer from DC, but Florida, the ship-jumping bastard).
Who else is from our Nation's Capitol?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-12-29 16:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I heart red heads
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2003-12-29 15:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sunny do you know AlwaysanEagle? Any word on the DC Uber meet up?
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-29 01:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fartman -- You could make that bet, and you'd lose.
I'm no stick-insect, but I'm not exactly chubbolicious either.
Years of rowing have made sure my body is free of the ravages of my chocolate addiction.
The rack really isn't ginormous either, I was embellishing a tad for storytelling purposes. So sorry to disappoint. :-)
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-28 22:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Vengeance is cool.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2003-12-28 22:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As the proud owner of a very hot redhead, I agree that there are only two categories:
Knock your dick stiff hot, or shaved dawgbutt ugly.
Further, my extensive experience in such matters tells me that the odds are 2-5 that you
have a ginormous butt to match that ginormous rack. Any takers?
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-28 21:38:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ann_Landers -- Have to see some credentials first. But thank you for the plus 2.
I was out last night (Rhino in Georgetown) and a guy actually used the "does the carpet match the curtains" line on me. Sheesh. MEN. :-p
Submitted by ann_landers (user info) at 2003-12-26 00:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bear my children; you're worthy. At least harvest some seed and take it into consideration?
Submitted by Slopster53 (user info) at 2003-12-22 16:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmmmm Jean Grey
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-22 14:33:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Boring? It's gotten over 400 hits and everybody else seems to like it! What exactly WOULDN'T be boring??
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-22 14:31:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, every time I come up with some elaborate plan to kill one of those GI Joe fags it blows up in my face.
Now i just shoot the bastards in the face. Quick and easy.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-22 14:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cobra, I'm not very good at the creative killing stuff. I favor a clean bullet right between the eyes. BUT, just to fuck with the guy a little before he kicks off, maybe Sunny could send him a letter saying he's won some..I dunno..big famous anthropology award. Then she could spring out from behind a couch and yell JUST KIDDING, force him to write her letter at gunpoint, then off 'im.
See, I'm not very good.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-12-22 14:08:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Hendrixjrr -- Boring? Come now, I am many things, but boring is not one of them. "
I don't know you. I do know your post. The post is boring.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-22 13:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, i'm just playing
Seriously, more about how to kill this MoFo and less about the girl's anatomy.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-22 13:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha I plead the 5th, Sunny.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-22 13:35:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PS, hey Sunny - http://www.ubersite.com/m/21036
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-22 13:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hendrixjrr -- Boring? Come now, I am many things, but boring is not one of them.
I'm also not crazy. High strung perhaps, but not crazy.
Okay, I brought this on myself perhaps, but come on people! A little less focus on my rack, and more focus on the fact that I want to kill this guy. Any ideas? Good revenge plots?
I already explained why a picture is not forthcoming, so sorry to disappoint. :-)
FrivD -- I know, it's terrible. Redheads are either very pretty, or narsty looking. There just aren't that many of us running around, so we attract a lot of interest. Like leprechauns.
jinx -- The color of my carpet is not something I discuss over a website. Now if you boys can't control yourselves, I'll just have to direct you to MickGinny's "red on the head" posts. :-)
MickGinny -- and I love you.
Natophelia -- do you ever look in the mirror and say, "damn, it's cool to be me"? Maybe that's just me. Yay for sharing the redhead sisterhood.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-22 13:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hot redheads are a lot like the unicorn. Very difficult to find, even harder to catch once you've found one.
I got one, and no dammit, I'm not gonna share.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-12-22 12:32:36 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
It's amazing that an otherwise boring post would get so many +2s out of one phrase.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-22 11:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sunny: we need to see a pic
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-22 11:13:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No way, man! I's a red. I don't get skeered. I'd just pluck you to death if I had to.
Wait a sec..
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-12-22 11:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-22 11:01:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Chicken, I did not know this. I am now frightened.
Ah, the creative evilness of a redhead. Aren't we just the cutest?
==================================================================
I honestly hope you're not serious.
you're safe anyhow Nat, because I do have principles and morals.
The poster is safe, too. I never cluck around unless I've got a green light.
wait.... cluck?
Submitted by jinx (user info) at 2003-12-22 11:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BUT....
do the curtains match the rug?
Sorry about that, its none of my business. But do they? Come on...tell me.
Good story.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-22 11:01:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chicken, I did not know this. I am now frightened.
Ah, the creative evilness of a redhead. Aren't we just the cutest?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-12-22 10:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All redheads rock.
I've been collecting them for several years now..
There is a pedestal with no plaque on it yet, awaiting your name.
Seriously though, the +2 is for the good story.
Yep, GodChicken is in a good mood today.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-12-22 10:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-12-22 09:55:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
see mick, I told you they're all fucking crazy!
Submitted by jordanna (user info) at 2003-12-22 09:48:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jebus, Im scared. No really.
And it's not that Im scared that you might do these things
to me if I ever crossed your path, as anyone can tell a tale of how they might kick
ass, but you remember every detail of how to enact and where you learned these sickening manouevers.
<backing away from computer veeeery slowley>
Im scared.
Submitted by ruin (user info) at 2003-12-22 05:06:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the red-headed caucasian, the origin of the white race...
my momma's a redhead, cutest goddamn thing you've ever seen when she was young but now if i was a stranger i wouldn't fuck her to save my life...
willow from 'buffy the vampire slayer'
sweetness... sweetness...
Submitted by FrivD <Danjf4030.at.msn.com> at 2003-12-22 04:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea, red heads float my boat. I don't know what it is about them, maybe their generalized uniqueness. Problem with them is their is a fine line between a hot redhead and a ugly one. Not very many in between.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-22 01:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shes hot
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-22 00:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
God! MEN! Try to be taken seriously and all they care about is your rack!
I'm going to go home and binge...
A good way to do it would be to get a hot soldering iron and shove it through his eyes, past the bone, and into his brain. The funny thing is, once it got into his brain, he wouldn't even feel it! HAH!
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-12-22 00:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could it be focused on the regions, of, say your ginormous rack, or your tush? Hmmm?
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-22 00:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No nude pics. I am a firm believer in never leaving documentation of my exploits. :-)
pervs. :-p
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2003-12-22 00:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i would be interested on the 6th of jan seeing as that is my birthday.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could this picture be, nude?
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't post a pic until I get back to school...no scanner & no pictures on my home computer. If you all are still interested around January 6th, I'll see what I can do. But thanks for the votes of confidence in the meantime. :-)
Staple his johnson to the floor, hmm? Could work...I like the se7en-esque cruelty motivating that strategy.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2003-12-21 23:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for ginormous rack
Submitted by Pseudovillain (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Anyway, Dr. X took a liking to me (I'm convinced it's my ginormous rack...or my tush, which has also garnered compliments)"
I think I've found the secret formula for +2's...
Good writing, anyway
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:50:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've said it before and I'll say it again:
Crazy-glue his scrotum to the floor, then after setting the room on fire, hand him a rusty knife and watch him cut his own balls off.
Submitted by Kracka (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:44:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Method Man quote.
might we possibly get pics of said ginormous rack and compliment garnished tush?
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:36:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
**This semester I've been working with him on a project, trying to determine if this Neanderthal died by foul play, which would make him the oldest known murder victim in the fossil record. Very cool right?**
Right. You are not only in your geekiness. I just received a book on forensic anthropology from the book club. Although my interest is more in the way of a hoby. So far, its pretty interesting.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-21 22:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love redheads.
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-21 22:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, yeah baby, SMITE the infidel!
Imagine if he left the toilet seat up...