Burn Your Motherfucking Christmas Cards! (1249 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.19 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bargled (View user info) at 2003-12-22 23:28:31 EST
Is it just me or is there something wrong with all us men? We just don't get this greeting card thing. Every holiday, every birthday, every time you shit right, or wrong in some cases, it becomes a Hallmark Occasion.
It seems you are most likely to get a greeting card just by sitting around, minding your own business, lighting the occasional fart. People send these things out like it was some sick twist on the game "hot potato".
Let me just say the words for those of us on the festively challenged side - it's a fucking racket. Some lame-ass poet probably came up with the idea. He's thinking, "I'm a shitty poet and I'll never get published. I write greeting card poetry but there aren't enough holidays. Hmmmm."
We think a pile of these shit snackers got together and formed a lobby group: The Fucking Lame-Ass Poet Society or TFLAPS. TFLAPS knocked long and hard on the doors of every government, every fashion magazine editor and every religion and forced them to create more holidays or they'd start to read their poetry out loud. Which is why the greeting card aisle in your local drug store is as long as runway 17R at JFK International.
Cards for any occasion? Sure. The usual suspects are there. Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, Birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Illegitimate Crack-Whore Daughter's Day. Plus the more contemporary cards:
o Congratulations on your new Kaposi's Sarcoma.
o Way to Go on the Flenser Contract: You're Fired!
o We Hope You Enjoy Your Retirement! Do you like to eat cat food?
o Condolences from Us to You: I wish you were dead, instead of your wife.
o From All of Us in the Michigan Militia: Get out of town or we'll kill you.
o Happy (12th) birthday Nephew: Here's some cash, go get a hooker.
o On Your Recovery: Did they remove your head from your ass again? Get well soon!
o My Valentine: If I don't get some head soon, I'll start doing your sister.
o To My Stalker at Easter: Bring three nails and I'll put you up for the night.
o Thinking Of You: Vaguely.
o Mine's Bigger!: And I'm doing your Wife with it! Happy Cuckold's Day.
o On Your Graduation: I don't care if you're only seven, get a fucking job!
o Thank You: It was a cheap gift, asshat.
o Money's tight. Times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card.
And the cards? They're getting worse. The bad poets are running out of lines and just letting some sort of random line swapper program pick lines from others' cards and throw them at high speed onto the next batch ready to go to market. It's bad enough the personal "touch" is gone, now the replacement doesn't even make sense. Compared to some cards, Charlie Dodgson's "Jabberwocky" sounds almost sensible.
But the part that I really don't get is how excited people are when they get this piece of shit card some asshole spent thirty seconds writing and passed to a large machine that chews up trees and spits out neatly folded pieces of crap. Are people this far out of touch?
To me, it means a hell of a lot more if a buddy scratches, "Hey you old douche bag tester, how the fuck are you?" on a used pizza box. It is at least the real thing, actual writing and at least as poetic as some of the cards. The pizza box lid has traces of Human Communication on it. It even tells me that my buddy was thinking of me so deeply that he ordered a pepperoni-double-cheese, because he knows I hate Hawaiian.
So I think its time for action. You are invited to use the following form letter as an auto-response to any greeting card that crosses your threshold.
TO: ____________ (referred to as shithead from here on)
Thanks for the fucking card, shithead. It was so thoughtful of you spend three milliseconds with your baboon fist out as you ran through the card section in the drugstore where you were obviously picking up your medication. The next time you think of me why don't you just fart loud Morse code?
With Kindest Personal Regards,
Your buddy ___________
User Reviews
Submitted by stevendureI (user info) at 2004-10-17 13:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PringIes4eva (user info) at 2004-09-12 19:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
pfft, learn to live with it.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-08 22:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-08-08 21:52:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
my name is fatish and i like t3h p33n3r in my p00ph0le.
Submitted by Robot9698 (user info) at 2004-07-08 19:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
7
Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleaning up GreaterThanBest's mess.
Dont mind me.
5
Submitted by esso_merda (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Jesus and I love you, Joe."
Lisa, "Orgazmo"
Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleaning up GreaterThanBest's mess.
Dont mind me.
4
Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:30:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleaning up GreaterThanBest's mess.
Dont mind me.
3
Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleaning up GreaterThanBest's mess.
Dont mind me.
2
Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleaning up GreaterThanBest's mess.
Dont mind me.
1
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for judging my posts worth on a picture that has nothing to do with the actual content. You really let your intelligence shine when you post something as deep and profoundly intellectual as "I really hate gore and violence, unless I'm the one doing it."
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I was about to read it, then I scrolled down and saw the picture. I really hate gore and violence. Unless I'm doing the ass-kicking.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-23 17:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
After all that this STILL has a positive rating.
Keep it up, you're on a roll.
Submitted by GreaterThanBest (user info) at 2003-12-23 17:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
one last time because your a fucking moron
Submitted by GreaterThanBest (user info) at 2003-12-23 17:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
cause you have no potential
Submitted by GreaterThanBest (user info) at 2003-12-23 17:13:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
cause i hate you
Submitted by GreaterThanBest (user info) at 2003-12-23 17:13:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would rather read Spot the Dog
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-12-23 10:30:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cellar -
"I would have respected her more if she would have given me a picture of her and her new boyfriend with, "See ya, pencil dick!" written on the back."
That made me crack up.
---------------
Sorry bargled, but I thought this post was a little weak. +1 for the picture though. It made me smile.
Submitted by dacygrl <dacygrl.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-12-23 09:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My personal fav...
Mine's Bigger!: And I'm doing your Wife with it! Happy Cuckold's Day.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2003-12-23 07:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have been +2, but I love hawaiian.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-23 02:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey man, tell em all the truth! you didn't make up that "money's tight and times are hard" thing.
But it was good anyways.
I always wanted to start a greeting card company for those occasions that warrant a card but you just can't seem to find the right one.
Like the Father's Day card for the dad you never met..
that sort of thing.
Submitted by ASR (user info) at 2003-12-23 00:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid. Unfunny. Try again. Actually... don't.
Submitted by cellar_door (user info) at 2003-12-23 00:46:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, when did they change that? My apologies...
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-12-23 00:44:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
o Thank You: It was a cheap gift, asshat.
o Money's tight. Times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card.
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-23 00:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The authors ranks dont count. See?
Submitted by cellar_door (user info) at 2003-12-23 00:27:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a decent rant. I, too, hate these hastily written "for-every-occasion" cards. I received a "Good-bye" card from my ex when she broke-up with me. I would have respected her more if she would have given me a picture of her and her new boyfriend with, "See ya, pencil dick!" written on the back.
+2(-1) for giving yourself a +2. For shame!
Submitted by Kool_Kontakt (user info) at 2003-12-23 00:09:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Kicker of All Ass.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2003-12-22 23:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am so gonna fire up ye olde hallmark card maker and send out 50: "Money's tight. Times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card" thank you, very much.
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2003-12-22 23:34:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to Increase
Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really ... good.
-- Homer Simpson
Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-22 23:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes indeed.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2003-12-22 23:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love the shining, that is the shining isn't it?