Karma strikes again at Razor's wedding: Television: 1. Car Window: 0 (1873 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.95 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah<jonukah.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-23 21:52:03 EST
In the past month, I've gained a complete belief in and respect of karma. The good and the bad. Last Sunday, it struck again.
This past Sunday, as many of you know, was Razor's and Firefly's wedding. And I came very close to screwing things up.
Shortly after they decided to get married, Razor asked if he could have the reception at my house after the wedding. I said sure, though honestly I knew that meant cleaning the basement, decorating, and planning, which aren't quite my things. But I digress.
I took a week or so to ask my gracious land lords, because (1): I procrastinate. And (2): I've never been denied a party before. In the meantime, however, I found out that the reception was going to be at the church immediately after the wedding, and I thought: Sweet! I'm off the hook. I then pretty much forgot about the whole thing.
Meanwhile, I had been planning on buying Razor and Firefly a television for their wedding, and finally found the one I was looking for. They had space restrictions, and I knew that there were only two models of televisions made in the past year of the type that I wanted that would fit in their cabinet. Unfortunately, one was beyond my price range, and the other was closed-out. I finally managed to find the closed-out model (open box) in a Tweeter up in Tumonium. It was good that it was open-box, because A: That put it in a price range that I could afford and B: It wouldn't have fit in my car in the box, and I had no way to schedule home delivery. I took the television home and tested it thoroughly. (NO, this does not mean I played any Goldeneye on it, I just wanted to check all of the inputs, speakers, etc.)
Anyway, Sunday comes around and it is the day of the wedding, which is taking off at 7:00 p.m.. A few hours before, I call Razor and ask him when I'll be able to get the television to him. (I had to ruin the surprise a couple weeks before, because he put a television on his gift registry and I wanted to make sure there was no duplicate gift.) He told me.....actually, I might as well give you the whole dialogue.
2:45 p.m.
ME: Hey [Razor], when can I get this television to you?
RAZOR: Well...aren't we all going to your house afterwards.....?
ME: ....Uh..Isn't the reception at the church?
RAZOR: Yeah, but then the party is at your house
ME: Um.......I thought the reception WAS the party
RAZOR: DUDE! We talked about this. I made it very clear...
ME: Uh...They didn't want to have a party at my house
RAZOR: JESUS, MAN! Look, I don't have time for this, I'm getting married in a few hours.
ME: sorry
<click>
Well that is more or less the conversation. Razor can correct me on the details when he gets back from his honeymoon. He was upset, and rightfully so. I was confused...and expectedly so. I left work without notice to see what I could come up with, and found Jeremy calmed, though still nervous about the wedding, which is still about four hours away. The party was now going to be at Chris's house, where we now were. When I apologized again, he said that there was no use being upset about it now. I didn't know if I was completely forgiven, but I was comforted in the fact that everything was going to be fine with the wedding.
At Chris' house, (There were about six wedding guests + Jeremy at this point) we commited to what I hope becomes an American Pre-Wedding tradition: Playing 4-player Mario Go-Kart on a big screen television. This did a lot to calm Razor's nerves, and I was almost feeling good again. Starting at around 5:30, one-by-one we started to leave Chris' house on our various pre-wedding tasks.
As an usher, I figured I was needed at the church a bit early for planning, so I get there around 6:00. I was the only one there.
6:05: Go outside, read the sign on the church to make sure it is the right one, which it was, and then comforted myself when I found the guest book for the wedding.
6:10: Still nobody here. Stare at a mural of the birth of christ for a moment, and wonder how baby jesus is so damn clean after being sqeezed through a virgin's vagina. (That shit gotta hurt)
6:15: Still by myself. I go outside again, wondering if any cars driving by are ill-perceptive guests.
6:20: Right before I come to the conclusion that I'm on some sort of practical-joke television show, the pastor finally arrives. She gives my the directions for ushering:
1. Stand by the door. Once the flower girl passes the first poo, (or whatever those benches are called), close the church doors with the other user.
2. When a certain pause in the music is heard, open the doors again for the bride, after peaking through to make sure she is ready.
I figure: That is easy enough. Even I can't screw that up. Close the door. Open the door. Simple.
Finally, everyone arrives, and the wedding begins. I'd rather skip over the actual wedding, but I guess I'll humor the gushy people. Allow me to explain....nope. Don't feel like it. Let me sum up
Candlelit.
Female pastor.
Razor looked sharp.
Firefly looked very busty and beautiful
Fellow usher and I didn't know if we were supposed to close the doors again
We decided that we should, then had to stop when some latecomers flew in.
Pianist made a couple of mistakes.
Pastor stuttered while trying not to cry. (She's known Firefly for seven years)
Very sweet, moderatlely consice ceremony.
I will, I will. I do, I do, exchange rings, light the candle together, blah blah blah.
I'm a sincere, emotional bitch, aren't I?
Actually, I'd rather let Razor put in all of the details when he comes back. I'm sure he wants to write a post about the wedding and/or honeymoon. Reeaarr. Hubba hubba. Wink, wink. CAAAWOOOGA. uhh.huu.uhhh. bow. BONG! And then some.
I had a point somewhere in this, didn't I? Oh yeah, the television.
SilicionJesus and I go back to my house to pick up televsion after the reception. It took about ten minutes to figure out how to get the thing in the car. (Why was it so much easier at Tweeter?)
We get it in the back. Jesus sits up front, and we start our drive to the party. I make the first right out of the neighborhood, when the following sounds shot into the night:
KAAAAAAA-THUNK!
<Glass shattering>
ME: FUCK!
<smash forehead into steering wheel>
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNK!
SCreeeeeetch!
silence....
Jesus: Are you okay?
ME: Yeah.......
Jesus: (Looking back): Well I have good news...and I have bad news.
<I turn around>
What had happened was the television rolled in the back seat, and shattered my back-left-door window. The television had not a scratch on it.
Jesus: The television looks okay.
ME: Yeah. Its a good thing I saved forty bucks on delivery.
Jesus: hmm.hmm.hmm......BWA-HAhAHAHAHA!
ME: You know...its kinda cold in here.
Jesus: Yeah...maybe a door is open....or a window.
<we both laugh>
ME: You know, I think that back window is open. Let me try closing it.
<more glass shatters....be both laugh>
I believe I once again proved that I'm the most mellow person in the world. I decided to skip all of those nasty stages: Denial, anger, depression, blah blah blah, and skip straight to the whole thing being a funny memory. The rest of the night went off without a hitch, we got to the party in one piece (Though now very cold from two open windows. We had to open a front window because the air pressure was deafening us) The party gets a good laugh from the story, and Razor gets his television, which is working perfectly.
I waited until today to post this, because today I found out how much the repairs would cost, and I wasn't sure if it was going to stay a happy memory. I have a $100 deductable as it turns out, which is a fair price to pay for a good memory and to bring balance to the world and karma.
P.S. There was one point that I asked Razor if I needed to rent chairs for guests or anything for the party, and he said that the reception was going to be at the church. Razor now says that he then told me that there was still a party to be at my house, which he probably did, but I either didn't hear it or completly forgot. In my defense, I thought I would have recevied more instructions for the party if I was planning on having it, and as I didn't get any instructions, it made it more likely for me to forget. Oh well. Water under the bridge...I hope.
User Reviews
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2003-12-28 13:40:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
razor- simpsons did something like it, but all i remember is that it ended with "hubba hubba"
completely irrelevant, i know.
seb
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-28 12:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to hear it only cost you 100 dollars... I mean it sucks that it cost you anything, glad that it was only 100 bucks.
Details on wedding/honeymoon to come.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-12-28 12:34:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reeaarr. Hubba hubba. Wink, wink. CAAAWOOOGA. uhh.huu.uhhh. bow. BONG! And then some.
---------------
Is that from the Simpsons?
Submitted by txyankee (user info) at 2003-12-24 12:03:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry J, i was laughing so hard i started scanning fast to reply, my bad.
100 is not that bad. prob less that what it would cost.
-Alan
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-24 11:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You didn't read carefully enough, Alan
I have a $100 deductable, so that is it.
Although I wonder if backdoor windows usually cost less than that to replace. If so, then I guess I made my insuarance company some profit.
Submitted by txyankee (user info) at 2003-12-24 11:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Usually that stuff happens to the groom, not the ushers
How much is the window going to cost?
-Alan
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-12-24 10:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
being involved in someone's wedding is always chaos up til the moment, then all the stress and running around seems so insignificant in just a few moments.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-12-24 10:18:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was so sweet. I almost felt like I was there.
You need a woman to be in charge of your life.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-12-24 10:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Reeaarr. Hubba hubba. Wink, wink. CAAAWOOOGA. uhh.huu.uhhh. bow. BONG! And then some.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thats priceless.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-24 10:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe, you notice that the baby also looks to be about 6 months old. That is an awfully long time to be sleeping in a manger.
Submitted by poop_monkey (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:23:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Sorry about the window. At least everyone got a good laugh over it.
Did the flower girl ever pass the poo?
;-)
(:(|)
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-24 01:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I appreciate your +2, remorseless masturbator
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-12-24 00:24:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just want you to know, this plus two means a lot to me, and I'm giving it to you. Take good care of it.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2003-12-23 23:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That is sooo sweet, Yes.
I checked out your post, Mike.
Nice collage
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-23 23:36:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this post needs your checking out, jon : http://www.ubersite.com/m/21324
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-12-23 23:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by ann_landers at 2003-12-23 23:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus: The television looks okay.
ME: Yeah. Its a good thing I saved forty bucks on delivery.
Jesus: hmm.hmm.hmm......BWA-HAhAHAHAHA!
ME: You know...its kinda cold in here.
Jesus: Yeah...maybe a door is open....or a window.
<we both laugh>
ME: You know, I think that back window is open. Let me try closing it.
<more glass shatters....be both laugh>
fuckin' A man, fuckin' A...
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-12-23 23:01:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"wonder how baby jesus is so damn clean after being sqeezed through a virgin's vagina"
That is way too funny. Great story.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bryan (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:43:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story :D
Submitted by Clockwork (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
With friends like you, who needs enemas?
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:15:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think, I'm laughing at you.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-12-23 22:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Once the flower girl passes the first poo
If this were only not a typo it would put a whole new spin on weddings.
(pew)
I can see it now, everyone tense and angsty, the pastor gettnig impatient, the groom fidgeting nervously, the bride pacing in the green room everyone waiting for the flower girl to pass the first poo to begin the ceremony.
She completes her task the crowd cheers and the music begins...
surreal isn't it
-Turtle