My penis tried to ruin Christmas (1509 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Al <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-12-25 16:46:12 EST
A penis is a double edged sword. On one hand, you can fly into battle with your purple-helmet warrior and have more fun than a blind lesbian in a fish market, but on the other hand, there is a sinister dark side to the pocket rocket. It was this Christmas morning that my penis became self-aware. It awoke to the sound of my rabid sisters jumping for the joy at the thought of a few new belongings. Like the harpies in ancient Greek mythology, they ritualistically tried to tear me out of bed, digging into my leg with their perfumed claws. Now, this is where my penis got wrathful. Not even the shy phallus enjoys being woken up in the morning, especially after spending late last night being exercised courtesy of the internet.
That was when it chose to attack, out of sheer blind anger, and the fact that I had bought it no presents. I was ready to race down the stairs, to join my welcoming family, when it went straight for the proverbial jugular. My boxers could suddenly accomodate a small family of immigrants. I cursed to myself, and set about trying to hide the nuclear weapon, which was preparing to launch from down below. I knew that if anybody saw it, then Christmas would be crushed in a series of awkward silences and bizarre double entendres from my father.
I attempted to use the force to quell the tides of blood rising in my nether-veins, I poured cold water over my face, praying that the cooling sensation would halt the growth, I even pondered searching for nude pictures of Anne Robinson on the internet to stop the growing doom.
Suddenly, a voice from downstairs calls, 'Hey! I got a camera for X-mas! Let me take a picture of you, scrooge!'
I ran. I ran like the wind into my room. I ran like my best friend had just attempted to caress my thigh. However, I knew that I'd never be fast enough to beat the power of digital technology. I dived for my bed, the only hope for my salvation. The camera wielding maniac that once was my mother raced up the stairs. The lens flashed just as I returned to bed, penis obscured by pillows and blankets. I wiped the sweat off of my brow, and buried myself in sleep.
Next Christmas, i'm asking for nappies.
User Reviews
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-06-23 16:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some people below have very poor reading comprehension.
I like, here's your vote.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-12-26 17:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-12-26 17:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think (hope) he was just talking about morning wood. If you're woken up during REM sleep (like from his sisters), its there to greet you.
Submitted by tenors_rule (user info) at 2003-12-26 15:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
funny, but like someone said b4 me...you got a woody over your sisters??
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-12-25 23:40:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
growing doom. That's funny.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2003-12-25 23:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you Jordanna can pop a bigger stiffie than you.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2003-12-25 22:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny!
Submitted by Yogimus (user info) at 2003-12-25 20:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2003-12-25 19:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaaaaa
Submitted by ann_landers (user info) at 2003-12-25 18:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-25 17:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you got a boner from your sisters?
nasty dude.
good story though.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2003-12-25 17:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't think of it like that. Ew. I think I need to amputate
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2003-12-25 17:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good story... except for the getting a raging boner from your sisters... ew.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-25 16:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh lookie what Santa is pulling out of his sack:
a +2!
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-12-25 16:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok.