My Campaign Plan (1408 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.68 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-12-27 16:32:24 EST
As you all are most certainly aware, we have an election coming up. An election with the normal accompaniment of heated issues such as social security, foreign policy, gay marriage, and whether or not forcing Saddam Hussein to shave is a violation of his civil rights.
Another key issue is tax reform. That is the issue I would like to focus on. But not in the way most people do. Bush is all for tax cuts. I think entirely the opposite. We should tax the people MORE.
Do I sound like a money grubbing Democrat here? Keep reading.
I say we should tax people more, but we should only tax certain people. Certain actions. Certain products. Both the public and the Federal government would reap ample benefit from such a plan. Don't see how? Let's take an example.
If it were up to me, one of the first new taxes would be on Old Navy television commercials. Who benefits from their existence? No one, not even Old Navy. Who would profit from their heavy taxing and possible extermination? Everyone.
But that's just the tip of the iceberg. The second tax reform I am proposing is a Connoisseur tax. For those of you who didn't graduate high school or who live in Mississippi, a connoisseur is a 'person of informed or discriminating taste.'
Why should there be a Connoisseur tax? A plethora of reasons.
1. It's a bitch to spell.
2. It sounds vaguely French.
3. I'll explain.
The dry dictionary definition of 'connoisseur' does not do it justice however. A connoisseur is the guy you see in the grocery store pondering the virtues of the 1979 class versus the 1983 class while looking at two 7 dollar bottles of wine. You know who I'm talking about. The guy who goes to Starbucks and writes poetry about a the anguish of man while wearing all black and daintily sipping his espresso. The guy who graduated first in his class at Trend College. The guy who finds orange juice to be "just a slight bit too tart" for his taste. The guy who doesn't eat hamburgers because they offend his 'sensitive palate'. The guy who goes to watch a movie, but feels let down because of some minute lack of complexity in the character development of the protagonist's pet dog. The guy who watches nothing but independent films because they actually have complex character developments for the protagonist's pet dog. In order to graduate from Trend College, these people should have to apply for and receieve a "Connoisseur License", a photo ID which would cost 500 dollars (money which would go directly to the public) and ensure a 50% discount at Starbucks as well as a punch in the face (provided that it doesn't offend his sensitive palate).
But that's only half the problem that I intend to correct with my tax plan. The connoisseur would be nothing without a place to be a connoisseur at. I'm not talking about Starbucks. I suspect you know the places I'm talking about. If there's not one in your neighborhood, chances are there will be soon (unless we do something about it, that is).You see these places popping up left and right now, specializing in taking what we plebians would normally call food, sprinkling 'special ingredients' on top of it, and renaming it. "Dinner roll" isn't good enough for these 'cafes'. Oh no. A 'loaf' of bread isn't satisfactory. Nor is a donut. There, it is a 'baguette' or a 'miche' or a 'streudle' or a 'danish' or a 'pastry'. And they're always named "Bread Shoppe" or "Pastry Palace", etc. Bread Shoppe. One 'p' isn't good enough for these assholes, oh no they have to add another p. And when you go in to get, say, a brownie there's ALWAYS someone in front of you who takes FOREVER. Have you had this experience before? I did just the other day.
I went in to the local 'Ye Olde Bread Shoppe' to get some bread. I walk in, briefly survey the area, and stroll to the register. I scan the display cases and turn to order when suddenly I bumped into a beached whale. A beached whale in Ye Olde Bread Shoppe? It couldn't be! It wasn't. On closer inspection, it was a woman, a woman of the bloated inclination.
I awaited my turn in line, listening to the woman order.
"Will that be all?" the cashier kept asking, begging with an ever dwindling ray of hope in his eye that she would be done and that there would be a scrap of food left in the restaurant, only to be met with the inevitable response of ,"No.'
"And a peach danish, and a half dozen sourdough baguettes, and an apple-lover's cinammon roll......." and on and on till it reminded me of similar times at the movies where you're in line, you've been waiting for 25 minutes to get a Coke, your show started 10 minutes ago, you're second in line, you're beginning to think you just might catch the end of the previews and the snazzy "Please Turn Off Your Cell Phones and Pagers" advertisements when you hear the person in front of you (who also happens to be of the bloated inclination) reel off an astonishing array of desired items. You know, the people who walk off with the quadruple deck trays with the nifty compartments for stashing extra milk duds? I think, when we go to the movies, they should have two lines for refreshments: Bloated and Regular. The 'Regular' Moviegoers would go, they'd get their coke and they'd go on to see their show. The beached whales on the other hand, would go up to the counter, and as they got their items they would stack them on a scale until a certain point where the guy reading the scale behind the counter would say, "We've reached 500 pounds Hank, get the forklift!", whereupon a grim faced Hank (he would really be named Hank) would drive up, impale the beached whale with a fork, then carry him or her out and dump the landmass, er body in the alley behind the theater.
But back to Ye Olde Bread Shoppe. This woman was going on and on, and I thought she would never stop, and so finally I let escape a loud, agitated, drawn out sigh.
Ye Olde Bread Shoppe froze. She turned, the rolls of her flabby arms churning, and faced me.
"Do you have a PROBLEM?" she asked, her turkey neck quivering with rage.
To which I replied with a yell, "Sic Semper Tyrannis!" and thrust a plastic fork into the depths of her innards. I watched as in slow motion as her gut inhaled the fork, then shot it back out with frightening velocity sending it on a trajectory straight for a man sitting at a table across the cafe.
But not just any ordinary man, but a man dressed in all black writing a poem about the anguish of man sipping an espresso and reading a wine menu. The fork flew straight and true, hitting the man right between his eyes. I ran to his table. The blood was spurting from his forehead. I thought he was gone, but to my astonishment, he touched his finger to his forehead and licked it with the tip of his tongue.
"A bit too tart for my taste" he said. And with that last breath he was gone. A connoisseur to his death. I promptly punched him in the face.
So that is why we must tax connoisseurs, beached whales, and cafe pipe dreamers. They should be taxed to the point of bankruptcy, tarred and feathered, and in extreme cases shot.
Vote Catscradle in 2004.
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-04 18:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of your best.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Connoisseur License", a photo ID which would cost 500 dollars (money which would go directly to the public) and ensure a 50% discount at Starbucks as well as a punch in the face (provided that it doesn't offend his sensitive palate).
Id vote you in if I get to be the guy who punches them.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-01-26 11:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by allie (user info) at 2004-01-07 04:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ok so i am a little pissed that everyone fell in love with your little narritive. Sorry but's its not to original. Though the ideas are well embraced with the left and people who don't like fat people, your story lacks a conclusion, and well frankly substance.
however, cat's cradle is the first of many vonnegut books i have read and is still my favorite piece he has done. so, props to your name, but not so much the person who uses the psydonuem
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-01-03 02:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yet to the multitudes of ogling patrons of hedonism, to the ardent acolytes of Bacchus, I will ever say, SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!!!!
You're not eighteen, no fucking way.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-12-31 07:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got my vote.
Submitted by Lady_Emily_03 (user info) at 2003-12-28 14:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-12-28 14:10:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
here are some folks that did not graduate high school. curiously some are from missisppi as well.
Albert Einstein: Nobel Prize-winning physicist; "Time" magazine's "Man of the Century" (20th century) (after dropping out of high school, he studied on his own and passed the entrance exam on his second try to the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology)
John D. Rockefeller Sr.: Self-made billionaire American businessman-philanthropist; co-founder of "The Standard Oil Company;" history's first recorded billionaire (dropped out of high school two months before graduation; took business courses for ten weeks at Folsom Mercantile College [a chain business school])
Henry Ford: Self-made multimillionaire American businessman; assembly-line auto manufacturing pioneer; founder of the "Ford Motor Company"
Walt Disney: Oscar-winning American film/TV producer; animation and theme park pioneer; self-made multimillionaire founder and spokesperson of "The Walt Disney Studios/Company; "Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient; Congressional Gold Medal recipient; French Legion of Honor admittee/Medal recipient (received honorary high-school diploma from hometown high school at age 58)
Abraham Lincoln: 16th President of the United States; (little formal education - Lincoln himself estimated approximately one year; home schooling/life experience; later earned a law degree through self study of books that he borrowed from friends)
Carl Sandburg: Pulitzer Prize-winning American author (little formal education; later passed entrance exam to Lombard College and graduated)
Jim Clark.self-made billionaire American businessman; founder of "Netscape"; first Internet billionaire (17, U.S. Navy)
Richard Branson.self-made billionaire British businessman; founder of "Virgin Atlantic Airways," "Virgin Records," etc.; knighted (United Kingdom: Sir Richard Branson)
Andrew Jackson......7th U.S. President; face is pictured on the U.S. twenty dollar bill (13, U.S. Continental Army; orphaned at 14; little formal education; home schooling/life experience; studied law in his late teens and became a lawyer)
Leon Uris best-selling American author (Exodus, etc.) (17, U.S. Marines)
Walter L. Smith.....former president of Florida A&M University (equivalency diploma, at age 23)
W. Clement Stone....self-made multimillionaire (some sources indicate billionaire) American businessman-author; founder of "Success" magazine (elementary school dropout; later attended high-school night courses and then some college)
here is the rest of the very long list.
http://www.education-reform.net/dropouts.htm
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2003-12-28 13:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-12-28 13:52:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, you'll get more votes than Lieberman
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-28 13:52:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
CC - it started to drag a little in the middle, but good post as usual.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2003-12-28 13:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2003-12-28 12:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll vote you in, but that doesn't mean you get a plus 2.
Damn I'm hung over...
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-28 01:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit that was fuckin great.
you have my vote.
its a shame no one caught it on videotape. (im aware this was made up) but imagine how funny it would be watching that.
Submitted by Clockwork (user info) at 2003-12-28 00:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by defender0417 at 2003-12-27 23:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good plans, they could use some adjustments, like the vending machine that has a scale on it to set prices could be used at the movies. I'll write ya in, because the democrats don't seem to want to give us someone to beat Bush, and I haven't heard anything from any of the other parties.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-27 23:28:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CobraCommander (user info) at 2003-12-27 18:31:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about your foreign policy?
Meh fuck it, I can't argue with anybody who'd tax and shoot bloated people. You got my vote.
PS - If you're looking for somebody to fill in the job of Secretary for the Department of Knee-Cappings, you know who to call.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2003-12-27 18:26:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A+
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-12-27 17:21:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh, I wish I could post on weekdays still..
Submitted by Cicciro (user info) at 2003-12-27 17:03:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn fine post in a world where the standards for posting have died.
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2003-12-27 17:02:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ending saved it.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-12-27 17:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-12-27 16:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The ending picked up the pace. Nice.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2003-12-27 16:39:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've certainly got my vote, unless Bart tells me what his stance on Social Security is.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-12-27 16:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.