"Be Safe" (819 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LisaCat (View user info) at 2003-12-29 12:00:39 EST
Nearly two weeks ago, things started out the same as they always have for me around this time of year. A list is made of gifts desired and handed to appropriate parties so that they may cooperate and purchase for me that which I desire for the holidays. While we could get into a whole argument as to how this destroys the Christmas schtick, there are still many surprises left to be had.
Last Tuesday was the company luncheon. For anyone not initiated in the business world, this is a luncheon sponsored by the company for it's employees and is typically held at some local posh restaurant. This luncheon also yields our traditional departmental exchange of gifts. Since I work in a department of seven people, the gifts aren't your typical bundles of candy or homemade foodstuffs. We instead give modest gifts appropriate of friends, and since we are all friends, we all agree not to spend over $20.
Typically, the gifts are decent, but occasionally there are a few white elephant gifts that cleverly make their rounds. One particular white elephant is a pitcher shaped like an accountant that Terry, one of my co-workers, received with open arms. Next year, instead of the typical 'God is great' book, some lucky co-worker will receive the pitcher dubbed Ralph.
As other departments ran up the bar tab, I decided to make up for my department's considerable lack of alcohol intake. No one expects us nerds to run up any form of tab, but between the new guy Jeff and myself, we managed to do a decent amount of damage. We even succeeded in getting quite tipsy before presents were to be exchanged.
This season, I gave the gift of knowledge through a binge in the paperback section of the local Borders. I limited my spending, but still did a decent job in pleasing the 'nerds' I work with (in the actuarial department, we're all nerds). Terry got some Heinlein to perhaps dissuade him of his limited religious views and spark some interesting discussion during the mid-morning coffee/Dew break. Jeff got a paperback version of "Where the Sidewalk Ends" simply because I don't know him well enough to have gotten him anything else. I gifted some other co-workers with other nifty works of speculative fiction by Ursula Leguinn and more Heinlein (you can never get enough of him).
Now came the fun part, time for me to open up what I got. There is a sacrilegious order to this process. Each person in turn opens all giftssurprised reaction is missed by the gift giver. I'm guessing this trend started a while ago, because no one dares to break the order of things. I think it has something to do with inherent penny-pinchers simply wanting to be acknowledged for frivolously spending their hard-earned dough on someone who may not be a 'friend.' It's either that or they just wanted this to take forever to see how many more White Russians I could ingest.
I started with an innocuous package labeled:
To: Lisa
From: Terry
I shook it to his amusement even though we all knew it was a book of some sort. It turned out to be Terry Adam's first divulgence since Dilbert entitled "God's Debris." I was impressed by his choice in books as I am still looking forward to reading this book.
On to the next package, a box of cheese and cheap caviar from the stingiest old man to work in the world of finance; Mike. He's 73 years old and working simply because he wants to. I don't think anyone in HR has the balls to terminate the old bag.
Several other gifts were opened and I ended up receiving everything from a big comfy blanket to even more books to read. I'm amazed the department still has managed to buy me books I haven't read every year. I finally got down to the last gift that just so happened to be from Jeff. It was a small box very reminiscent of a jewelry box, which frightened me to no end.
Maybe he didn't know the rules? Perhaps he was moving on some of the innuendo he constantly drops on me at work? These and other thoughts were discarded as quickly as the wrapping paper around the tiny box and replaced with a bewildering stare.
I glanced up at Jeff, then back down at the small white box. He beamed a smile towards me and told me to "Be safe" to which I responded "Wow... Thanks." This year, Jeff bought the resident dyke a box of condoms.
User Reviews
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2003-12-29 21:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2003-12-29 18:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lisa, youre giving up your 'lifestyle choice', quitting your job, moving to australia and living with me; where we will eat like impoverished gypsies, laugh like madmen, and go through that box in about a day and a half. you have no say in the mattle, this is merely your destiny, you cannot excape.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-12-29 16:41:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did the condom fly across the room?
because it got pissed off
How do you recycle a condom?
turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it
Sorry - I have regained control.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-12-29 16:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone knows an ant
can't
move a rubber tree plant
but he's got high hopes
he's got high hopes
high apple pie in the sky hopes
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-12-29 16:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, Jeff doesn't know I'm gay, only my boss knows in my department and that's due to a completely random run-in on Ubersite...
I'm the only woman in my department, there was another, but she went into corporate tax for some reason. (The pay sucks up there)
I'm used to them poking fun and surprisingly the older ones are not the dirty old men they could be. Jeff on the other hand is a pain, but not in an illicit or actionable way.
I actually kind of took the whole incident as a compliment, although Michelle laughed her ass off when I told her after I got home.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-12-29 15:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHAT THE FUCK?
you know you could get him fired for that, right? i mean, if you didn't like the guy. but if you do, then a swift kick to the nuts may be appropriate.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2003-12-29 15:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha....I like the idea of the re-gifted condoms!
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2003-12-29 14:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, nice hard drinking lesbian girl you are. I am glad you enjoy reading so very much, perhaps you would like Peter Hoeg. I am guessing you would.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-12-29 14:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
must fight urge to pull trigger on any one of the horrible and tacky things that are spinning through my brain right now
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-12-29 13:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe you could put them on your tongue.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-29 12:53:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That kicked ass.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2003-12-29 12:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-29 12:10:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA, you should give them back to him next year, as long as they haven't expired. That or a dildo. I got my boss a 1.75 litre bottle of Bombay. Cheap and easy. I wouldn't want him to go without his Bombay Fridays as he may not be his normal cheery self come Monday. Everyone else got tons of fudge. I'm lazy.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-12-29 12:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did he know you were gay? If so that's a damn funny joke. If not, it's still damn funny, but in a different way.
Great Story.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-12-29 12:06:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahahahaha I can't even copy and paste properly.
Alt-Tab fiend at work + being blonde = this.
Sorry about that mid-story-mid-sentance mix up.
I'll post the errata here:
"Each person in turn opens all gifts so that the surprised reaction isn't missed..."
WooHoo for Mondays, blondeness, and Mt. Dew!