getting caught jackin off (now with paragraphs!!!) (15036 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.93 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sammy <LWSamways.at.AOL.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-04 19:50:37 EST
Look new and improved!!! now with such amazing features such as Paragraphs!!!
So there I was in my bathroom ready to take a shower, when one of my more favorite ideas crossed my mind. "Oh" I thought, as I looked down at my naked body "have I neglected you?" This is very normal in case you didn't know, most men carry on mental conversations with certain parts of their anatomy. What a better time than now to pump out my kids and then I can get busy with my day at ease. I turn an about face and head back into my room where gasp!! My infamous porn collection has seemed to have grown legs and wandered off again. This was a common dilemma, you see I lived in a big ass house with my two best friends and at our fresh out of teens age there was never enough porn to go around.
"Hmm, who took it this time?" I pondered. Normally it was Dillon so I decided to inspect his hiding place first. Unfortunately nobody was home so I didn't think that I would at anytime need a towel or to even bother covering myself up in any way. I ran upstairs with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning "maybe Dillon had added to the collection". It was a nice though but the only thing Dillon ever added to that collection was the Sean Sheffey shoe box everything was stuffed in. "Oh there you are!" I affectionately said to the box which was convincing mixed in with a slew of other shoe boxes. I snatched it up and help it lovingly in my arms almost as if I had to turn it on to get the videos out of it.
What happened next was not planned, as I turned to leave my eyes scanned past Dillons huge 37 inch TV and Beautiful 4 head VCR. "What a magnificent combo" I thought to myself. Not only did he have the prettier girlfriend, but the better backup as well. "Should I? Could I?" Would I simply was not a question. Beouuuuuuu went the TV as I pushed the power button, The sound of plastic tapes crashing into each other got me only more excited as I searched for my favorite video. I pulled the blinds because I didn't need the Mormons in the house across the street looking at me, and that old lady is always looking out her fucking window, waiting for anything exciting to happen so she can die and have a justified life. Fuck her, I'm not going to give her that pleasure. The only pleasure I was interested in at that time was my own pleasure, and oh man if it was ever satisfying.
I was sitting there on the edge of Dillons bed beating the shit out of my cock, much like Mike Tyson beats the shit out of his wife. Then came the one sound that is ever so familiar. SLAM that's not a door of a house or a door of a gate, noooo. That was a car door, and not just any car door but the sound of a door slamming on a brand new beemer that daddy had bought somebody. I peeked through the blinds to confirm my suspicion and there he was... Dillon and his hot ass super fly girlfriend, Amanda. "SHIT SHIT SHIT" I muttered as I fit the power button on both TV and VCR and started stuffing videotapes back into a shoebox that was at one time able to fit all the fuckers. In a panicky confusion I shoved box and leftover tapes under Dillons bed and proceeded to my excape route down the staircase. Oh the staircase my path to freedom, as I rounded the corner there it was another slam. This slam was not that of a Beemer, instead that of a front door, a front door that enters the house directly at the bottom of the staircase. In my panic I had forgotten to steal a pair of Dillons pants, so I'm still as naked, and I mean naked naked, even butt fucking naked if you will, not even a sock or a beanie, naked as the day I was born. Another about face only not as casual this time,
"where to go, where to go?" I thought right as Dillon called out my name.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he asks.
Was it the stomping around? Was the blinds that were shut for the first time ever? I don't know, but he knew, and he knew that something was going on, something bad, and something in his room.
"Where to go, where to go?" I keep asking myself as I stand in the hallway between Dillons room and the stairs. I look to the right, stairs; I look behind me, fuck wall, in front Dillons room, and to the left, a bathroom! Joyful moment it was as I darted into the bathroom, until I look in Dillons room as I pass and notice the ass print on the edge of his bed.
"Hey what the fuck are you doing?" Dillon asks as he knocks on the door
"Shitting" I say.
"What's wrong with your bathroom?" he asks,
"ummm, no toilet paper" was all I could think to say.
He leaves into his room, "am I safe?" I think, but shortly after I hear a disgusted "Dillon" excape from Amandas mouth. Stomp stomp stomp, Dillon walks back over. Bang bang bang on the door
"What the fuck were you doing in my room?!?"
"Nothing"
"Were you jackin' off?"
"NO!!"
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Shitting"
"Get the fuck out of there!!" He bursts through the door right as I start wishing that it were equipped with locks. He finds me!! Naked, sitting on the pot, with a Maxim Magazine covering the most private of areas.
"What the FUCK are you doing?"
"shitting"
"why are you naked"
"gonna take a shower" he didn't seem to be buying it.
"Get up!" he orders,
"NO!"
"You're not shitting, get up!" I reluctantly raise "there's no shit in there!"
He smiles and laughs as he says "you were jackin off in my room, get the fuck out of here."
I want to leave but I'm embarrassed already, and I fear that Amanda will inspect my nakedness on the way out.
"I can't" I say as I look around for something other than a magazine to cover myself with. No towels, no washcloths, nothing.
"Get out, and give me my magazine back." My last hope of privacy removed I scrambled, like an immigrant across the border, I swear I must have had a sonic boom following me.
Eventually my embarrassment subsided and I was able to see and talk to both Dillon and Amanda again, although my naked white ass will most likely be engraved in her memory forever. I don't care about Dillon, I fart on his face, It doesn't bother me if he knows my ass. But Amanda, shit she's hot god dammit. And that's all I got to say about that.
There are you happy now? paragraphs, paragraphs for everyone... enjoy you'r little paragraph.
User Reviews
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2004-04-20 12:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Captain_MotherFucking_Foamy...
Dont be a dickhead.
Okie dokie?
Submitted by Captain_MotherFucking_Foamy (user info) at 2004-04-19 18:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My name is Foamy and I don't jerk.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-19 18:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
still the best, after all this time.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-02-01 15:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-01-13 20:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never mind, I see you already saw it, again, good post. Sorry I missed it the first time around.
Submitted by COURT <kjadfnkjlasdf.at.kjfgkldsg.com> at 2004-01-13 20:19:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW, you can really tell that with nicknames like "Fartman" that your a really cool group of divorsed 45 year old fat greasy fucks (if not older) who most likely sit in their parents basement cruising the internet for spelling and grammar mistakes to bitch about because you have nothing better to do, and it makes you feel like you actually have a purpose. WELL TOOT TOOT!!
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-01-13 20:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 because this was funny as hell.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-01-13 20:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The whole principal behind having paragraphs is having a break in the text.
HE HAS FUCKING BREAKS IN THE TEXT.
How fucking lazy can you be? Fuck you Fartman.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-01-13 20:10:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give this a plus two because I was giggling like a girl. You told people to read for the joy of reading, and I agree, but it is much easier to read for the joy of reading when the text is formatted in such a manner as to be easy to read. Also, putting it in MS Word and spellchecking it doesn't hurt.
Other than those minor gripes, very good story.
But I feel as though I must train you. Being embarrassed is natural, but entirely unneeded. Read this, ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/18692 ) to gain some tips on how to avoid being needlessly embarrassed in the future.
Submitted by cuntlicker (user info) at 2004-01-13 20:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i once jerked it in my room mates room and jizzed on his keyboard....I don't know if he noticed or not, but nothing has been said yet.
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-01-13 19:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome, laughed my ass off. Those fuckin losers complaining about paragraphs are just mad because they are from canada and they have flappin heads and beady eyes
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-13 19:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why the fuck dont you have locks on the doors?
would have solved all the problems.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-13 19:21:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tee hee hee... very funny.
me love you long time.
And yeah, good job on trying to put paragraphs together. Nevermind everyone who's bitching... I think a lot of the bitching is due to office workers who need to shit.
You see, nobody likes pooping at work.
All that buildup makes people, well, anal.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-01-13 19:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and another cause I read it ( and laughed so hard I cried) in church.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-01-13 19:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
definitely one of the funniest things I have ever read.
+2
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-07 18:30:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. You should have humped Amanda.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2004-01-06 17:44:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry about all of these fucktards and their grammar rules, I have a post every one of these assholes can read:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/22254
Keep up the good work, funny story.
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-01-05 17:56:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyed the story
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-05 15:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
look, you have potential, i liked the story it was funny. but press the enter key twice between paragraphs. Thats all. Heres a +2 to encourage you to do better.
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2004-01-05 14:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW, you guys are dicks. Look I'm not an aspiring writer or english teacher, nor do I consider myself a literary mastermind. All I wanted to do was provide a funny little embarassing story for people to enjoy and you guys get all butt hurt about paragraphs and grammar. Instead of reading for errors how 'bout you read for the joy of being able to read. Although according to some of you thats one thing I have yet to master. So anyway thats all I got to say about that, I hope you had a good time ruining my excitement.
P.s. yea I gave my shit a +2 if you don't like it you can blow it out your ass.
Submitted by Robert_of_Duluth (user info) at 2004-01-05 01:15:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha you have an amazing storytelling ability great job keep it up
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-04 23:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:01:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought it said: "with photographs".
I was thoroughly dissapointed to say the least.
________________________________
Dissapointed you couldn't jack off to pics of him, you fruit?
Submitted by NinjaStep (user info) at 2004-01-04 23:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
paragraphs require 2 things:
1: indenting
2: a basic grasp of the english language
in summary you should do the following:
1:fuck off
2:never come back
Submitted by me <youknow.at.aol.com> at 2004-01-04 23:28:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was awesome! You never cease to amaze me with your storytelling abilities. If you knew this guy at all, you would know that is the way he tells stories. He tells them with so much excitement, that you are just sitting there hanging on his every word until the very end.
Those of you complaining about paragraphs need to get a life. You obviously don't even know how to form a simple sentence since you start them with lower case letters and end them without a period when trying to tell someone that at least knows how to use capitalization, periods and quotations marks that he needs to use paragraphs. Could you find nothing else to complain about?
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-01-04 22:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nothing new here.. every men here has been though this.. normal experience.
Submitted by PropaGumby (user info) at 2004-01-04 22:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-01-04 22:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm Sorry, I speak and read the language known as English.
In this language, we compose things known as SENTENCES and PARAGRAPHS.
I do not have the time, nor the inclination to decipher your language.
-2 jackass.
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2004-01-04 21:41:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
keep trying.
Submitted by QweenAnnesRevenge (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing, and helarious
+2
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:40:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just put a carriage return in between the paragraphs.
Carriage return = empty line. (sort of - it's the easiest way to explain it here)
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
paragraphs? I don't know, what do you expect I was educated in America.
Submitted by settle (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
try again buddy
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-04 20:01:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought it said: "with photographs".
I was thoroughly dissapointed to say the least.
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2004-01-04 19:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Still good. Try putting spaces between the paragraphs now. You already went
and ruined the one post per day rule type thing. Oh well, fuck it, go for
broke.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-01-04 19:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by Faceless (user info) at 2004-01-04 19:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck? Are you still in grade school? Do you know what paragraphs are? You dumb shit.
-Faceless like you must be. You obviously dont know how to read or write. Or both.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-01-04 19:52:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
now with 30% more suck!