The Battle of Brechin City (536 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.25 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by James Brown <applescruffs86.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-05 11:36:41 EST
I doubt anybody will go for this- i wrote it a while back after reading Lord of the Rings, drinking a lot of beer and a night long online chat with The Ross.
It was a small hit on my website but it was only really local folk who logged on, so they knew the characters and area.
Tis also a bit long. Debut on Ubersite so be gentle.
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The Battle Of Brechin City came about when the 1 of the 6 brave souls from The Regime was nearly consumed by this shadow, (or should I say hole?)
The Enemy herself took on human form (supposedly) and polluted Mallon's mind and his very thoughts. What happened after this is unspeakable, and I refuse to tell the tale of such dark and satanic happenings.
Luckily Craig of the Regime and David Adamson (now knighted for his deeds in The War) saved Mallon from a fate worse than death itself.
This added fuel to the already intense flames of the situation between the two lands.
The Regime has grown an army. An army to stop this shadow consuming our beautiful land.
The Army of Mearns marched to battle on the 5th of July 2000.
Here is what happened on that that dark day.
THE BATTLE
The Army of Mearns was lead into Brechin by The Regime, each Regime member leading its own brigade of troops.
The Dark Lord had foreseen the coming of the war and had long been in preparing an army to invade our (Aberdeen)Shire.
Our army was met by a mass of creatures from The Dark Land, armed and ready to fight. The silence between the two forces on either side was intense.
On one side you had these fowl, snarling beasts, filled to the brim with STD's. Great, powerful and frightening names such as Wiggy, Tank and "fuck off" mink chip shop girl were among the foul things.
The silence was broken by a call of war as James-o of The Regime, with all his might, power and kingly ways, stepped forth and called these words: "Be gone u evil creatures of filth! Bring not your STD's, hereon addictions and antisocial ways to our land! Be gone or will you face death!!!"
A messenger of the Dark land stood forth and uttered foul words of war:
"All ye who dare step into our path of destruction shall deal with thy wrath, The Dark Sluts eye is turned towards the Mearns, and ye stand in thy way"
James-o and the Dark Messenger Tank stared each other down for two brief seconds before Metal Gear Rex (which James was currently in) let out a piercing scream and the two armies charged at one an other.
Craig of The Regime's sword drew the first blood, as he battled with minks who had previously chased him after getting a hair cut.
With 2 swipes of his sword 5 fell dead. His eyes fell upon a slag who he has hated with a passion for many years, Lauren McMurray. He ran forth mauling all those in his way. Pulling out a light saber to match the willy shaped saber of "fuck off" mink chip shop girl. A great flash of light was seen from afar as the light sabers crashed against each other. The battle was short but intense. Craig fought with all his might but "fuck off" mink chip shop girl scored him with a nasty blow and he was knocked to the ground, slicing off his arm. Craig Fraser ran to his aid but was unable to match her power and lost the fight and the use of both arms. Then his face was sliced right off. Out came Dave Adamson, hobbling on a lil stick. Dave and long known and hated "fuck off" mink chip shop girl and there battle was intense. His agility and great power saved both the Craig's. "Fuck off" mink chip shop girl fled from the battle.
As all this was happening Kevin and Daniel fought back to back fending off the dirty animals.
Stephanie Cooper, long time friend of The Regime and a powerful sorcerer came face to face with her best friend Meagan. Unfortunately Meagan's love for a Brechiner put her among these rancid demons of the Dark Land. Meagan herself was not a direct servant of the Dark Slut and her mind had been manipulated nor did Meagan blend in with them. She looked like one of our own. Meagan and Stephanie fought a terrible fight. Stephanie was struck to the ground and Meagan held a sword to her heart. She could not kill her friend however. Amongst all the bloodshed, death and hate between two races, friendship and love prevailed there on that blood soaked battle field.
Kevin ducked. A huge black iron mace came swinging out of nowhere, narrowly avoiding his face. With his sword he stabbed the chest of the evil beast. He had gone too far into the battle and had lost sight of his battle buddy Daniel. Kev swung his sword randomly, killing many servants of the Dark Slag. It was as he swung his sword that it was met with a mighty crash and his sword shattered. His sword had been met with the mighty black dildo shaped Sword of LP.
Kevin and LP had a history where he, like Ross had nearly been consumed into the darkness. Kevin knew what to do though. His hate for Brechin was much stronger than his urge for a hand job (and lets face it... you go out with a Brechin girl and its guaranteed) Kevin took out a rocket launcher and blew away his opponent. Or so he thought he did. For close servants of The Dark Slag are cursed with two lives in a fight. She respawned and struck Kev with a mighty blow to the back of the head. Kevin did not wake to see the rest of the Battle. Kevin awoke after a coma in Gemma's hospital. Long after battle had ended.
Daniel had played a glorious part in the battle. He killed LP with an arrow as she dragged Kevin away into the depths of Brechin, for what fate we cannot tell. He saved his friend and carried him back home.
3 Regime members had been carried off from the battle, all hope was gone and victory of the Dark side seemed imminent. An immense light shone in the battle and all gazed in wonder and anticipation and what may come forth. And out came the 2 of the Big Buddies.
The sight of Linda simply enlightened the hearts of many Mearns Fighters, Fear and bewilderment swept over the Dark Orc creatures as they saw Lynn. For yes! She was a skank like them but No! She was not filled to the brim with STD's and NO! She did not share a hereon addiction. Many beasts fled in confusion and that was the Big Buddies only part in the Battle of Brechin City, but far from their only part in The War.
George Glen who had killed the most Brechiners fought a giant spider of the Dark Land. The Spider over came him and bit him savagely in the hand. He stabbed at the spider and killed the evil thing. He was was not seen after this point.
As the hearts of many fighters were filled with joy quickly they were crushed. A dark cloud formed over the battle out from the smog came a piercing scream. The Army of Mearns knew that scream only too well, for it was She. The Dark Slag herself. On the back of a horrifying black winged beast she flew into the battle, landing of many of The Mearns fighters. Mallon had felt her coming to the battle but for he was too far out away from her.
THE DUEL OF FATES
Metal Gear Rex had so far been a match for no Brechiner. It was armed to the teeth with rockets, a rail gun and a laser. The rider of this contraption was none other than James of the Regime. He saw The Dark Lord dismount her beast and make her way towards him
For what in reality was 2 seconds seemed like an eternity to James as the great Black Slut stared him in the eyes. The battle seemed to stop around them.
Metal Gear screamed and the battle engaged. The Dark STD spreading Bitch avoiding the rockets and simply eating the shots fired from the rail gun. James saw that there was no hope. She stepped back and lit a standard issue Dildo light saber. But lo! This was no normal dildo saber... It was a Double Dong!
She tore at the ankles of Metal Gear and brought it crashing to the ground. James, badly hurt from the fall, crawled out of the control pit. He lit his light saber (purple one) and swung at The foul mess with all his might.
Ross burst through a wall of foul Brechiners, sending then flying just in time to witness the fatal blow. The Evil Hag blocked James' swing and used the Double Dong to force him down to the ground.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Ross.
The Dark Whore looked up at him and stared at him with fire in her eyes as she sank her weapon deep into his best friend's chest. Killing him.
The battle stopped around Ross. Tears filled his eyes and his heart was heavy. Then his heart filled with rage.
He ran at .....The Beast..... (that name must be said with a pause; before and after) screaming. His light saber came crashing against hers with a mighty flash of light seen by everybody there on that dreadful day.
Their fight was aggressive, fast and deadly.
......The Beast's....... powers had been matched by Ross of The Regime.
With all his hate of Brechin and his pain of losing a best friend he swung at The Dark Bitch. With all the power and strength of the blow she was knocked the ground. Ross ran at her about to administer the final blow that would have ended the war right there when a hideous mocking laugh came from the sky and all fighters looked up.
A glider came from the Shadow of Brechin and picked up The Dark in her weakest moment. For it was none other than the Mauve Mink. He swooped her to safety and away from the battle.
Ross cried the call to retreat from the Battle. The army of Mearns fled.
By losing this battle Mearns had lost the town of Edzell. Its was invaded that same day and The Shadow of Brechin grew.
When The Army returned home to Laurencekirk they were in deep sadness.
Edzell was gone, Kevin in a coma. Both Craigs had been horrifically injured, George was missing. And worst of all James was dead.
David Adamson was made a Knight of the Regimes Army for his great deeds in the battle.
Dan was labeled a hero and Ross made the leader in the forthcoming war.
Gemma made Craig a new hand out of lolly pop sticks, as she was the nurse.
Big Pig and Marjoram played in a tribute to those lost in the battle.
There was little hope for The Regime and The Land Of Mearns.
The future looked bleak.
TO BE CONTINUED.
User Reviews
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-01-05 12:00:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, I give this a positive rating, but I don't care about your inside joke story.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2004-01-05 11:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have to agree with SpikeGoddess on this one... It's a good piece, but Ubersite just doesn't seem like the place for it. Maybe because of the characters, but I might be full of it. It IS good though; you have tons of potential to write some very interesting stuff...
+1 because I like this post (but don't totally get it)
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-05 11:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, you obviously aren't a bad writer, but I don't think that Uber is the right forum for this piece. Honestly, I couldn't get through it because I had this "I really don't care" attitude since it seems like an inside joke about all of the real life people who are mentioned as characters. Well, I don't know them, and therefor have little reason to care about this post.
That being said, I don't want you to leave. Write some stuff for us. The first rule of writing is to remember your audience.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-01-05 11:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"What happened after this is unspeakable, and I refuse to tell the tale of such dark and satanic happenings. "
Translation:
I'm not a good enough writer to try and explain what happened.