The Adventures of the Blonde Squad: Mission 1 (1019 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stanton_Brasher<juggalo44.at.mad.scientist.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-06 14:54:43 EST
The mission was set up and just waiting to be conquered. It was as easy as taking candy from a baby. About a week ago, one of my blonde squad agents came to me with a complaint about the soap used at our corporate headquarters in the bathroom.
"Agent Nicole, that's a travesty. We need to do something about this."
"Well Baldi, I was thinking about an invasion of the soap factory. This stuff eats through your skin. Are they using soap or muriatic acid?"
"I will get Kristin in the lab to examin the soap right away." I said.
Back at LSA Soap manufacturers, the masterminds were at work.
"Muwhaha, today the Blonde Squad headquarters.......tomorrow the world," said Harry McNairy, the leader of LSA Enterprises.
"This new soap will eventually start eating through people's skin, then they will have to pay me for a cure. Otherwise, they will all die!! I will be the richest man on earth, therefore, I will be the most powerful man on earth. Smidges!!!! Get me my drink!"
A midget known as "Smidges," enters the room with a pot of coffee and a liter of Jack Daniels.
"This isn't very healthy, boss."
"Shut up you fool. I will have the best health that money can buy!!"
Meanwhile, my Blonde Squad was back at the lab examining the soap.
"If my calculations are correct," said Kristin, "if I add a little mayonasse to this soap, it will explode."
She squirts some easy pour mayo onto the pink liquid and sure enough, the room exploded, knocking us all through the wall only to have our fall broken by Shanna, the trusty third member of our team. She had just come across some interesting findings.
"I have just come across some interesting findings. LSA Enterprises is owned by our arch rival, Harry McNairy and I bet he is up to no good with this soap issue."
"Well, we just found out that the soap is explosive," replied Kristin.
"Blondes, I have just the mission for you. What we need to do is simple. We must destroy LSA Enterprises. First, you will need to infiltrate the delivery truck and plant an explosive that's powerful enough to bring down the house and I am not talking about a Steve Martin movie. We will track the truck to the warehouse and as soon as all the workers have left, we will blow up the building completely. Nicole, Kristin, Shanna, the world is counting on you."
"I have the perfect explosive already picked out," said Nicole. "All we have to do is take a bag of the soap and a bag of the mayo and put a small trigger between them. Once the trigger is set off via remote, it will cause a spark that will burn holes in both inner bags, causing the outter bag to fill with soap and mayo. Within seconds, there should be a blast that could bring down an entire city street," said Nicole with enthusiasm.
The team worked all day on creating the proper explosive. I was so proud. This was my team and we were the best that Blonde Squads lmtd had to offer. After a few hours of hard work, we had prepared the worlds most dangerous bomb and just in time too, because the delivery truck was outside unloading.
"Shanna, go down there and seduce the driver while Nicole and I plant the bomb," said Kristin.
I was watching from my office window and could hear Shanna through the wire that she was wearing.
"Hello there, " said Shanna to the delivery man. " I was wondering if you could help me out with something in the office. I can't reach it and I need a big strong man to come handle something for me. I need it real bad," she said in the most seductive manner possible.
"Ok," said the driver with no hesitants at all.
After they went in, Kristin and Nicole planted the device in record time and had already had the car pulled around to follow when Shanna and the delivery guy came back out. She waved him off and after he had turned the corner, she jumped into the 1966 cherry red Mustang convertable and they flew away to LSA headquarters. Unfortunately, our crazy governer needed proof before we could blow up the building, so I sent them with cameras to take some pictures of that dastardly criminals plans.
Upon their arrival, they noticed guards were all around the building, sporting machine guns. This was no problem with the Blonde Squad because they were specially trained to handle these situations. They all took different entrances and planned on meeting in the middle.
Kristin took the fron entrance and was greeted by a handful of guards that started spraying their machine guns towards her. After a couple of flips and turns, she found herself behind a table. She pulled out her 9 millimeter and from a hole in the table, fired off three rounds and she watched three of the gunmen fall to the ground. She then jumped over the table and did a flying bicycle kick into the chest of the final gunman and kicked him all the way to the wall until his gun fell down.
"Where is the room where they make the soap?"
"Me no speaka der English" said the gunman in the most obviously faked accent since Jon Voight's performance in "Anaconda."
After a few more smacks to the groin area, Kristin found that she was right down the hall from the warehouse. She made a call to the other Blondes and informed them both of the location.
Shanna was having to deal with sword toting guards that knew Jeet Kun Do. She had to mentally prepare herself for this. After a few minutes of medatating in the bathroom, she came out with the thunder. The door swung open and so did her hand as she clipped the first guard in the neck and he fell straight to the ground. Then she started fighting the guards left and right until they all fell one by one.
"Dammit, I was going to ask them where the warehouse was but now they're all dead. What the hell?"
Her phone suddenly rang and she recieved a message from Kristin and started her way to the warehouse.
Nicole had seen better days when it came to fighting. She knew all different styles of martial arts, wrestling, boxing, and gymnastics But had never experienced the brute force of a man made monster. There was only one that she had to fight and he looked like the incredible hulk on steroids. Of all the fighting styles, nothing was working. She tried a flying kick to the chest but the monster just laughed. She then tried to get him from behind and break his neck but he just threw her off. She pulled out her gun and shot but the bullets richoched acorss the room. The monster was growing angry, she could tell and he started running towards her, showing his teeth and everything. Then she made the most brilliant move of her career, she flashed him. That's right! She ripped her shirt open and flashed the monster. Needless to say, he stopped dead in his tracks and, this is what Nicole told me, you could almost see the little pink hearts floating out of his head. The monster had fallen in love. After leaving him with a fake phone number, she checked her messages and went to meet the other two blondes in the warehouse.
"Where have you been?" screamed Shanna
"We have been worried sick." said Kristin
"It's all good. I just had to give Frankenstein's monster a phone number to get him off my back."
"Well, while you were flirting, we were gathering evidence. We have enough to take this place down. They have mixed deadly poisons and chemicles into their soap and they have also started a cure." said Shanna
"We figure that Harry McNairy will probably fill the world with disease and then charge for the cure. It's a good thing that there is still time to stop him but we also need to grab the recipe for the cure before we leave." said Kristin.
Before they could get out, they were greeted by Smidges and Harry standing at the top of the rafter that over looks the warehouse. Smidges had a machine gun pointed right at them.
"Not so fast there, Blonde Squad. You had a good plan but too bad I have already started my contingency plan. What if I let this place blow up with all of you in it and with me on a plane to Cuba? How does that sound?"
"Screw you, Harry. How about we kick your ass and then laugh at you while you are trapped inside a burning building?" snapped Kristin.
"Yeah, we all know that real men of brilliance are bald anyway," chimed Shanna.
"Oh, you are referring to your boss, Baldi. Who do you think made him bald? Eh? Check out my last name. McNairy! I created Nair and made him bald when we were in high school. He has had it in for me ever since. Either way, I think I will kill you all now," said Harry but he was too late. The Blonde Squad had already started their escape as Shanna and Nicole put their hands together and catipulted Kristin into the air just in time to knock the gun out of Smidges hands. She was followed by Nicole who tackled the leader to the ground. Shanna ran up the staris after the two of them and together, they tied Harry and Smidges up. Then Nicole bent down and gave Harry a kiss on the cheek.
"This is for Baldi," she said and the three dashed out of the building and into their Mustang. As they were driving off, they pushed the trigger and destroyed the building with Harry inside of it. That was the Blondes first big mission but not their last.
Peace,
STREETPUNK
User Reviews
Submitted by Christ (user info) at 2004-01-08 17:12:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Goldneyes (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:52:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FROM STREETPUNK:
Tell Darth that my email is unavailable for now because I am internetless and that I can not give out my work email on a public forum but I can send it to him in an email if he leaves his address.
Submitted by audjgirl (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:52:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi street!!! this is....um...different, but amusing :D
Submitted by lexdysic (user info) at 2004-01-06 20:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I notice a midget trend.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-01-06 17:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
give me your email streetpunk.
Submitted by Goldneyes (user info) at 2004-01-06 15:15:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooppss, I forgot to spell check this for him. sorry!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-06 15:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the streetpunk juices are flowing!