What Women Actually Want (3333 hits)
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Submitted by Sideburns <justinfromtr.at.wmconnect.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-07 22:45:38 EST
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What all women want is a guy with money or a guy in uniform. Hell, why can't I be both?! When I had money and a nice car, I couldn't keep them off of me. In the past several months, I lost my car because of insurance issues, lost my job because I lost my car, and was forced to move back in with mommy. I figured I'd wing it and see if I could remain jobless for the rest of my life and just live a worry-free existence. Apparently now that I'm 20 years old, I'm expected to help out and help pay bills.
Fuck that.
Ever since I graduated highschool, I've been living from paycheck to paycheck, barely able to afford to feed myself, let alone have fun. My dad had been pressuring me for years to join the Air Force. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. Great benefits, nice paycheck, free housing, free meals. I'm in! I went to the recruiter, had several talks, and eventually left to take my Armed Forces physical. I only had one pair of clean boxers, they were VERY short. In other words, if I were standing, you could see my entire package hanging out of the leg. More on those later. I had to take a ride on a shuttle with other recruits to Jackson AFB in Columbia, South Carolina. When she said ''put on your seatbelts'' I didn't think she meant ''I'm a really shitty driver, and your seatbelt may save your life when I'm behind the wheel''. Not to mention she was cussing the whole way there, pulling out in front of people, and chain smoking even though there was a huge ''No smoking'' sign hanging on the mirror. Also, her ''How's My Driving'' sticker was on the window... facing inward for all the recruits to see, as opposed to the people on the road.
Several hours pass, and we actually made it to the hotel alive. I was dead tired and ready to go to bed, when the old lady informs me of my schedule. ''Where the hell are you going? Get your ass back on the shuttle, you have to go take the ASVAB''. Fuck. The test to see if I'm qualified to get in. I hadn't even studied. Next stop is on the base, I go into a huge room with computers and several young men and women my age. I sat down and tried my best to answer the questions, then I notice a balding man sitting down beside me. He was about 35. More on him later.
After the hour and a half long test, we're driven back to our hotel and told to get a good night's rest because we'll have to wake up at 430am to take our physical. Fuck, the military sucks. We're then told that we will have roommates. I'm dead tired so I head on up to my hotel room, open the door, and if it isn't the 35 year old trying to get into the Armed Forces. I initiated conversation with him and realized why he's trying to get into the Air Force at 35. He's dumb as a brick. ''This is my 6th time trying to get in, but I keep failing the ASVAB''. ''What's the lowest score you have to make to get in?''. ''30''. Now, keep in mind that the ASVAB is basic highschool math and english knowledge. After 5 times, he's gotta get in this time, right?
4am came very early, especially when I didn't get any sleep. Plus, my 35 year old buddy was on his cell with his mom talking about how scared he was because he didn't ''want somebody looking at my dick''. We get on a huge ass bus, and they take us back down to the same building where I took my ASVAB. Right when we enter, we find out our scores. Those who fail have to sit on another side. I was last in line, so when I got my papers, I was told to go sit on the passing side. WOO HOO! Wait a minute, there's no seats available. I sit on the floor and notice over on the 'failing side' there's ONE person sitting there. There were 140 recruits here, and only one person failed. Guess who? My 35 year old buddy. Poor guy. While we were waiting to be called to take our physicals I decided to go talk to him.
'So, did you make it?'
'Nah'.
'Oh? What'd you score?'
'20'.
20? Damn, I do feel sorry for him. I rushed through the test, didn't do any scratch work on the paper, guessed on half the questions, and was dead tired. And I scored a 73. I could have gone thru and slammed my forehead on the keyboard and scored hire than he did. I know I may get flamed by some of you for making a joke out of this guy, but I do have a heart... I offered him a stick of gum while he waited. Hey, it was gonna be a long wait.
We're given our medical documents and we fill into a huge room with desks, and a nurse goes thru each sheet of paper with us, telling us what to fill out and what order to put the papers in. I had issues with the front desk about my paperwork, so I got to the room late. The nurse kept yelling at me for stupid shit. ''Hey you in the corner! You! The guy with the sideburns! Your folder goes in FRONT on the EDGE of the desk! NO! the OTHER WAY!!'' Shit, this is going to be a long day. After taking my hearing, bloodpressure, and seeing tests, I waited in line to see some old German doctor. When I stepped into the room, I had to strip naked. No problem, I'm comfortable with my sexuality. Cough test? Sure! Everything was going great, I was almost done, then...
''What?''
''Bend over and spread your buttox cheeks'' he said in his German accent.
''Uhh...''
I bend over.
This moment was weird, to say the least. In fact, I was getting used to having my asshole exposed in front of an elderly German guy. Then he does the unthinkable..
''Okay, this may hurt'', he says.
''That's cool, he's just going to give me a shot or something''.
I hear the distinct sound of him putting on latex gloves.
''Oh shit, please don't... don't.. Please God, no.''
I now have a finger of an old German guy up my ass. I can't say which finger it was, although length suggested it was likely his middle. After the humiliation, I walked out of the room and past the others waiting to see the doctor. "How was it?" one of them asks. "Oh, it was fine, until he finger fucked my butt". I loved the expression on his face as I limped away. At least the most embarassing part of my physical was over, right?
I sat down on another bench, on one asscheek because of the pain. As I sat, I thought about how I had always figured homosexuals to be pansy little girly boys. Not true. Obviously, it takes a real man's man to be gay. You have to be one tough guy to have something rammed in your ass... and enjoy it nonetheless. As I was sitting a short black doctor named Mr. Head(real name)handed out piss cups to the group and instructed us on what we were to do:
''Okay, we are now going to go into the men's bathroom. When I instruct you to, you pull your penis out. You must stand erect and scraight(not a typo). When I make sure everything's okay, I will ask you to start peeing in unison.''
We are then led into the bathroom, and I did as told..
''Penises out.''
''Stand scraight''.
''Pee.''
One guy actually had the nerve to try and be funny. He started, well, playing with himself. Dr. Head said ''what in the world are you doing?!''. ''Oh, this isn't THAT kind of test?''. The guy was disqualified from joining. Haha, dumbass. I thought the most embarassing part of the physical was over, but it wasn't.
I was directed to strip down to my boxers(oh shit)and walk into a room with a bunch of other guys that were stripped down to their boxers. Like I said, these are REALLY short boxers, so I pulled them down as far as possible without exposing my upper-package to the group. I was put in a line while the other recruits sat and waited against a wall, watching us. Dr. Head notices something, while looking down at my boxers.
''Son, what are you doing? You're even thugging out your underpants. You aren't a thug, you're going to be a member of the United States Armed Services. Pull those boxers up to your hips.. and stand up scraight''.
I didn't look down, I just took a deep breath and pulled them up right. I stood there nervously, waiting for the laughter. Nobody said anything. I looked down and...YESS! My unit must be bunched up in there. Dr. Head instructed us to lift up our legs and point our toes to the ceiling, I guess to check our balancing abilities and to see if our joints worked right. As I lifted my leg up, I felt my twig and berries plop down. I looked down, and there it was in all its glory. I reached down to try and fix the problem but Dr. Head caught me. ''Hey son! Don't move! It's not that hard!''. No pun intended.
I didn't even eye the other recruits against the wall, I just stood straight up, looking straight and hoping for this day to end. ''Now everyone sit indian style'' said Dr. Head. Yes! Now, I can readjust. As we were sitting, I proportioned 'myself' so that I wouldn't slip out anymore.
''Now, we're going to duck walk.''
Oh God, no! If you don't know what the duck walk is, it's when you put you rhands on your hips, bend all the way down to where your ass is almost touching the ground, open your legs, and walk like a duck. You cannot remove your hands from your hips. Long story short, a couple of future marines, airmen, and coastguards caught a glimpse of my entire manhood.
The day was almost over. After 10 hours of pure hell, the day was complete. All we had to do was get final clearance from the doctor, and we were officially military men. On my turn, I confidently walked up to the doctor, handed him my papers and stood there proud. ''You had pericarditis?''. ''Yes sir, but pericarditis is just a severe chest cold that causes your pericardium to swell up, making it difficult to breathe. But it's only temporary. I went to the emergency room and was perscribed antibiotics. I was better in 3 days.''
I got disqualified because the dumb fuck didn't know what pericarditis was, even though I had prior clearance from the commander of the physical. Since that day, I had been back, took the physical over again, got sworn in, and I ship off to basic training in about a month.
All in all, a very forgetful trip. I do apologize for the length. I'm on my way to having money and a sweet-ass uniform. Sexy ladies, here I come!
-Justin.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-08 16:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you gotta love it whent he sack falls out and you can't fix it.
Submitted by Williams_2004 (user info) at 2005-04-05 08:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only 10 hours!
I signed up for the British Royal Marine Commando's, and ive had to endure 3 days of what you went throu. Fuck me that Drill instructor was harsh, Bastard. Just he wait till the live grenade range. Ill have my revenge MUAHHH MUAHHHHHHH MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Submitted by neeping (user info) at 2004-10-15 23:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That duck walk is a total bitch to do! And trust me it sucks more to have a woman watching a woman pee because it has to be VERY obvious, which didn't help with me and my natural clumsey-ness, thank god I had an extra shirt with me at the physical! but yeah I just wanted to say, you didn't totally bitch about the hemroides check(surprise), I dunno if they do that with dudes though, anyways... yeah.
Submitted by LacyFace16 (user info) at 2004-02-29 16:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sidesburns, i'm sorry....because i laughed. i'm so ashamed.
:o)
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:27:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice sideburns. Nice post.
I like you.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-08 20:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lord_Of_The_Strings (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:38:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Big +2 man that was a savage post, hope things work out for ya Justin
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha that sucks dude
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:33:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm all for a man who can take orders.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd rather have a beer...
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah baby yeah! That's what we want! Duck walk for me baby!
Submitted by Slopster53 (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA Sideburns!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-08 11:31:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are going to be Time magazine's man of the year.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-01-08 08:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep the sideburns hunni. I'll even start up a campaign if you think it'll help. Of course we're separated by at least one ocean.... so.... hrmmm.....
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-08 08:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The funniest part was the guy who got dismissed because he violated the pee test. Now he'll have to take the finger up the ass again. HA! This was instructive because I had intended to join the airforce when I got my college degree. Now I'm not so sure.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-01-08 07:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Entertaining, but damn did you go off subject.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-01-08 01:30:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, awesome post. So in order to become a real man in the military, you have to first be stripped of your manhood by a doctor? What a world we live in. Good luck with all those bitches you meet while on duty.
And try to save those sideburns. At least, keep them in a jar when they shave them off.
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-01-08 00:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because an old German doctor put his finger in your ass and you were man enough to speak of it.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-08 00:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, babe. I've gotten more compliments than complaints about the 'burns.
Submitted by frolic_with_elves (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm, tomorrow why don't you just start kicking everyone in the balls? That way no one will notice that your sideburns are gone. Then you will be known as "That jerk who keeps kicking everyone in the balls" instead of "the guy that's shipping to BMT in a month". Besides, your post was about what the ladies want. And, speaking as a lady, I don't want your sideburns. I'll vouch for the uniform thing, though.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
as long as the T.I.s aren't sticking their fingers in my ass, I think I'll survive basic.
-justin.
Submitted by Shelly <sweetshel1724.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-07 23:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job Justin. :) My kind of writing, that sometimes subtle hint at sarcasm. ;) hahaha... right.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:17:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i've had these babies for 3 years. i've been harassed by grandmothers, friends, girlfriends, my mom, my military father, even bosses. they can't make me shave 'em. in my town, i'm known as the guy with the 'burns. if i shave them, i'll be known as the guy that's shipping to BMT in a month... BORING.
Submitted by frolic_with_elves (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't know the Air Force was such a homoerotic institution. Look on the bright side; once you have had a German man's finger up your ass, flying a plane in North Korea probably doesn't seem as scary.
Speaking of homoerotic, please honey, shave those. You look like that old guy from N'Sync.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
too bad they shave your head in basic training.
i'm gonna see if i can haggle with the sideburns.
-justin.
Submitted by CaptainObvious (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You think that 10 hour day was difficult? Enjoy BMT, brother...
Hidden is gonna loooove this post. Hadooken too, if he still has internet in the sandbox.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-01-07 23:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice post hun. Military man eh? Well well well..... *giggles to self*
Luv Bec
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-07 22:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
my apologies for not spell checking...
and saying 'hire' when i meant to put 'higher'
man i'm a fuckup.
Submitted by fr33d0mrulz (user info) at 2004-01-07 22:51:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Worthy of kicker of all ass...
the sideburn's got it made...
Submitted by Raimee (user info) at 2004-01-07 22:49:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I like your sideburns