How Guys can ‘Score’ a Lesbian in 5 Easy Steps (2095 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.55 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LisaCat (View user info) at 2004-01-08 13:36:12 EST
Here you go: http://www.ubersite.com/m/22413
It has been written that god created all things in six days, rested on the seventh, and then returned to his divine duties. There are also widely used clichés which go on and on about "great things coming to those who wait" and "Rome not being built in a day..." but I'm offering up a simple five-step plan to helping every heterosexual man get that much closer to heaven on Earth.
No, my program isn't going to provide in-depth results and statistics to this year's Superbowl, nor is it going to provide you enough semen to break the record for the "Biggest Bang" at a pace that would put The Flash to shame. My guide will instead provide you with five easy steps on scoring the trifecta of trifeca; the crème of the crop; the bold and oft beuatiful; the great Hoot'Nanny.
That's right gentlemen, you heard me right. Queue the drum roll folks because, with my easy 5-step plan, you may score yourself a Lesbian.
"But Lisa, what's the cost?" some may ask.
Cost? What cost!? If you follow my five easy steps, I guarantee that by end you will have scored a lesbian.
And Without further adieu : Lisacat's Easy 5-Step Program on how to Score a Lesbian
For best results: Use at a bar. Any bar will do.
Step 1: Acquisition
This step is crucial and must be performed diligently. The precision of this step cannot be anything but perfect if you plan on scoring a lesbian. This is the step in which you will find your target lesbian. "How does one spot a lesbian?" you ask. Well that's simple. Lesbians exist in a world of extremes so you must, in turn, find either the most beautiful or extremely hideous woman you can, and you'll have found yourself a lesbian.
Proceed to Step 2.
Step 2: Parlay and Affirmation aka "The Verbal Tango"
I call the second step "The Verbal Tango" not to mislead men into jumping straight for tonsil hockey, hopefully that will come later, but instead to describe the beauty with which you must speak to your target. Most men have a problem approaching women, especially the majestic dyke, so I have offered several 'lines' which can be memorized and repeated to your reflection in the mirror until you get them right. You'll know you've got them right when you can deliver the lines with clarity and poise, as well as making yourself feel down right sexy.
Remember the purpose of this step is to break the ice as well as confirm that the subject is indeed a lesbian.
Below I've provided some different lines for the varying levels of verbal prowess found in men.
(Note: It's important to remember the metaphorical "Verbal Tango" when delivering these lines, as this will be the first step in which rejection may occur)
Line 1: (Beginners) "Ug! Gug?!" Said while pointing and staring at the subject's breasts.
Line 2: (Intermediate) "Hello. Do you like munching clam?" Said with a cute smile.
Line 3: (Advanced) "Hi my name is <insert name here>, would you like to fuck?" If she says no to this, then she has just admitted to being a lesbian.
(I personally recommend line 3, it's a win-win scenario as you'll either score right then and there, or at least have confirmed that she is indeed a lesbian)
If you didn't score, but she still seems interested, proceed to step 3. If she flees, proceed to step 4. If you score, proceed to step 5.
Step 3: Conversation and Interaction
This step is the most difficult to describe as it involves people skills. If you posses the bravado to deliver Line 3 with ease, then you may skip the niceties and begin funneling the subject acohol. This can come in a variety of ways from feeding her whatever's on tap, to making her match you shot for shot, but instead of taking the shots yourself, toss them over your shoulder. Be mindful not to splash any patrons behind you. The objective here is to remain as sober as possible while leaving her QUITE inibriated.
After you feel she has become comfortable with your presence, you may begin to make your move by 'accidentally' falling into her while simultaneously groping her. An even classier move would be to spill your drink on her and then offer to lick or suck the drink from her soaked form citing that "this shit is expensive." Her reaction will no doubt be that of gratuity, reciprocation, or a slap to the face.
If she slaps you proceed to step 4, if she reciprocates then proceed to step 5.
Step 4: The Chase
This step is aimed at remaining in contact with the object of you affection. This may involve a subtle car tail up to leering into darkened windows. It is at this moment that you absolutely must NOT lose sight of the prize. Follow her everywhere she goes and hopefully you'll discover her secret palace of passion aka her house, apartment, or condo.
For your benefit, I've provided several links to different "budget" detective tutorials. (Links go products sold at Amazon.com)
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/043916527X/qid=1073585154//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i5_xgl14/002-5880211-1081633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1893230031/qid=1073585154//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i9_xgl14/002-5880211-1081633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0618164413/qid=1073585268//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i2_xgl14/002-5880211-1081633?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
(I highly recommend the last one. Even though it's slightly more expensive, handy drawings as well as important life lessons lie within)
Please remember the law strictly punishes those caught stalking, so to keep hidden, think like a shadow. Remember, you're always invisible as long as no one sees you.
Proceed to step 5 when the opportunity arises to score.
Step 5: The Score
This is where all your efforts come to fruition. This can either go over as smooth as silk aka consensual or rough aka non-consensual. To test the water, I recommend tugging firmly at her hair. This will help you gauge what sort of encounter this will be. After you've determined how things will go, perform accordingly. As further reassurance, do not forget to cut the subject with some sort of sharp object as proof that you scored a lesbian.
Congratulations are in order, you have no doubt scored a lesbian as well as possible incarceration.
To anyone not willing to follow my 5-step plan, realize that scoring with a lesbian is nigh impossible and that even in the remote cases it happens, she'll approach you about it.
[Note: The Author of this post in no way condones or may be held responsible for any of the above behavior. Score lesbians of your own accord damnitt.]
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-01-16 10:15:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for "majestic dyke."
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-01-13 08:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I"m going to email this post to the GLAAD people. It kicked ass!!
Submitted by rotagorretni (user info) at 2004-01-13 07:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
fanfare, drum-roll - i am inspired to give my first negative rating (i must find out how that feels)
it's just neither logical nor illogical enough for me,
it's kind of flapping wetly in between
now onward being loved by millions
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-01-13 07:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you are going to give up your lesbian ways, move to australia and make sweet, hetero love to me or someone i can possibly watch you with. (actually, if i have to watch, id probably prefer you kept the whole girl on girl thing).
i love you.
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-01-13 06:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastic
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-09 16:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, i've read all those books... let's see how well i can implement the plan tonight.
and by 'implement the plan,' i mean 'sit at home alone and cry.'
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-08 18:54:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I thought with this title you couldn't go wrong, but you managed to suck somehow.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-01-08 18:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
meh..
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-01-08 15:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you!
When I really want to pick up a lesbian I often go awry when I spill my drink on them. Rather than telling them that "this shit looks expensive" while I lick it up I go for the old cliche "We really need to get you out of these wet clothes" which meets with only marginal success.
I appreciate the keen insight and will of course champion your existence should these 5 steps prove to land me the ellusive lesbian lover every man desires. After all what man in his right mind does not want to get with a girl that has no desire to be with him?
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-01-08 14:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-08 14:33:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-08 14:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Courtesy of gascs:
Jesus midget-tossin' Christ, good job, you monkey-lovin' sex fiend!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know iddqd was looking for defn 9.d, I was figuring you would would write defn 2.b I like how you went with defn 1. however, defn 6 would have been quite hillarious.
score (skôr, sk r) n.
1.A notch or incision, especially one that is made to keep a tally.
2.Sports & Games.
a.A usually numerical record of a competitive event: keeping score.
b.The total number of points made by each competitor or side in a contest, either final or at a given stage: The score stood tied in the bottom of the ninth inning.
c.The number of points attributed to a competitor or team.
3.A result, usually expressed numerically, of a test or examination.
4.
a. An amount due; a debt.
b. A grievance that is harbored and requires satisfaction: settle an old score.
5. A ground; a reason.
6. A group of 20 items.
7. scores Large numbers: Scores of people attended the rally.
8. Music.
a. The notation of a musical work.
b. The written form of a composition for orchestral or vocal parts.
c. The music written for a film or a play.
9.Slang.
a.The act of securing an advantage, especially a surprising or significant gain: "He had dropped out of school and gone for that quick dollar, that big score" (Peter Goldman).
b.The act or an instance of buying illicit drugs.
c. A successful robbery.
d. A sexual conquest.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:49:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...well done.
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for bi-curious George
Submitted by Lord_Of_The_Strings (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny sheeet
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:45:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is an awesome post!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:40:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
During my internet dating nightmare this one kid fucked that scary butch lesbian chick. Graaaaoooossss!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-08 13:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be back later to see how this will turn out.