The New Gestapo (429 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <DiFransico53.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-08 14:22:54 EST
This post was inspired here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/22410
What got me the most was the line about "taking the jawbreaker into the back" instead of just putting it back with the rest of the candy.
This line immediately reminded me of a similar event in my own life which introduced me to the new tyrannical dictators of consumerism : Bulk Candy Store Attendants!
My lovely lady and I were walking around the mall, having just ate at the deli style place down the mall a ways. We had just come from smoking a fat sack of reefer, and I was incredibly stoned. I was having an amazing day just stumbling around the mall, perfectly content. In my contentness I spied the bulk candy store (screw the name) and led my vixen into it so we could purchase a few munchies.
I proceed to do what anybody would do when in a bulk candy store, just wander aimlessly until something looks delicious enough for you to actually reach down for it and put it in the bag. I hadn't even gotten that far, I was still just pacing and looking. The key to this whole story was that I hadn't actually finished my lunch. I still had a bag of chips with me, and was just tearing through the bag as I looked for candy. This was my mistake. I continued to look around until I came to the chocolate covered gummy bears bin. I opened it up and with glee I pointed to the contents inside and said,
"Man these are the best, I can't get enough of them" or something to that effect.
I then close the bin and proceed to continue eating chips and wander around the store. I didn't actually grab any because I knew my girl undoubtedly had some hiding at the bottom of the bag of candy she was lugging around. Before I step two feet away from the bin a seemingly random voice emanates from behind me,
"Sir, there is no self sampling"
I turn around to see an employee who seems rather peeved. I look into her face and stutter a stoned,
"Huh?"
Now I can read pretty damn well. K-12, B.S.B.A. and M.B.A. have taught me very well about reading. I see all over the store about a hundred small little blue signs gleaming "No self sampling, please see employee for sample." There are so many of these things that they must have been the only thing outnumbering the annoying little kids in the store (including candy). I have no idea what shes talking about! I didn't handle candy at all, you know, since I can read, and can't escape these little blue signs.
Everything suddenly snaps clearly into focus through my stoned haze. As I had been pointing to the open contents of the bin I had my chips in the other hand. When I moved my pointed finger away from the bin, I grabbed a handful of chips and slammed them into my mouth. So this bitch thinks that because she saw me open the bin, point at the contents, then put something into my mouth that I had self sampled. So she didn't actually see me do anything wrong but she assumed I did. "No problem," I think to myself. "I'll just calmly explain the misunderstanding." This didn't end up happening.
"When you take candy yourself we have to throw away everything in the bin!" She exclaimed with the conviction of a religious zealot.
"But I didn't..." I started to explain.
"Now I have to take these into the back because of you!" She blurted out.
"Ma'am I didn't touch..."
"Thats why we have signs to come get us when you want a sample."
She had twice cut me off from telling her that 1) there was no reason for the rudeness 2) no reason to destroy the candy 3) she was really bringing me down. Now I was getting a little pissed.
"Just hurry up and make your selection!" She said as she channeled the devil to give her voice that little extra intonation and contempt.
Some say that stupid is as stupid does.
She then stormed over to the bin, and began trying to unbolt the thing from the wall, and ackwardly carry the entire bin into the back, to delouse it or something. She couldn't do this on her own, I knew it and she knew it. Apparently it didn't matter. So she begins to waddle this thing to the back when she nails the checkout desk on the side, busting open the bin and showering a group of annoying kids with the gummies. To her credit she only lost 20% of the bin tops, but seeing how it was all going down the tubes anyways I guess it didn't matter. It made the kids squeal with delight, at least those who weren't directly hit in the face by the candy. All this because I didn't touch any candy.
My girlfriend comes over and asks what that was all about. I respond with "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." I'm still pissed and embarrassed. I want to steal something while that wench is drowning in little bears behind that fucking curtain. I calm myself and manage to leave the store without my revenge, hopefully it'll come when they take that $100 worth of candy out of her paycheck. Everytime I go back to that store I smirk at this moron whom I never saw again and think,
"How's the view from sugar heaven bitch?"
User Reviews
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-20 15:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post more, this is funny stuff.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-08 14:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in
town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
There's No Disgrace Like Home
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-01-08 14:37:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pot must've made you puss out. Because that lady deserved a crotch boxing. And you'd think that a candy store worker would be nice to people, especially when it's a real adult shopping in there store.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-08 14:35:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Read your town charter, boy. `If food stuffs should touch the ground,
said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I
don't see him around, start shoveling!
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival