Keep Our Kids Off Drugs! (6314 hits)
Category: PoliticsLabels: camwhore goldfish
Rating: 1.72 on 89 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-09 01:32:04 EST
I was just sitting here reading ubersite when I started to get hungry. I have no food in my apartment except for a single 7.2 oz bag of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. I opened up the bag and grabbed a couple of goldfish. I put them in my mouth, chewed them, and swallowed. I immediately grabbed a few more goldfish and repeated the same sequence as before. More goldfish. More goldfish.
Each time I grabbed more goldfish, I found myself grabbing even more than I had the previous time. It started with two, went to three, then five, and so on. After a couple minutes, I found myself literally scooping goldfish out of the bag by the handful and then shoving them in my mouth. Not only that, but I was shoving them in my mouth before I could even finish the remains of the previous batch. What had started as a simple solution for my mild hunger had turned into a full blown chemical dependency on unbleached enriched wheat flour, cheddar cheese, and partially hydrogenated vegetable shortening.
That's when it hit me.
In 2003, the budget for America's "War on Drugs" was $19.2 billion. That money goes to fight Columbian cartels, fund the DEA, Justice Department, and god knows how many satellites, helicopters, and federal prisons. The end result of all this is that everyone still does drugs, they just do them in prison now. What kind of solution is that? What kind of solution is that, I ask you!
My proposal (and this will be an official part of my 2012 presidential campaign) is that we redisperse the entire $19.2 billion drug budget to the Campbell Soup Company, parent corporate overlord to the Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. This $19.2 billion is to be spent entirely on the production, distribution, and marketing of goldfish to public schools, crack houses, and rehab clinics across the country.
Guns and federal agents won't get your kids off drugs. Goldfish will. I mean, how many substances can your child be addicted to at the same time? Guarantee them an addiction to goldfish and that means they won't have enough time to dedicate to an active heroin habit.
We've been searching for the ultimate weapon in the war on drugs, and all this time it's been swimming here right under our noses: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish. Cheddar.
User Reviews
Submitted by mossimo1213 (user info) at 2007-03-03 13:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't forget, hugs not drugs
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-03-01 22:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But i hate goldfish...
Submitted by Wisher (user info) at 2007-02-28 01:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's silly. I'd be dead now if it weren't for drugs, alcohol and smokes.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-02-28 01:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yahoo woo
Submitted by iMoh69 (user info) at 2006-11-28 09:39:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is the uglyest shirt ive ever seen
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-24 03:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More goldfish. More goldfish. More goldfish. More goldfish. More goldfish. More goldfish.
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2006-03-18 17:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the exact same idea except with chicken nuggets.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-03-18 17:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn I thought you were eating real fish.
Love that shirt
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2006-03-11 04:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you, means they want somethin,more better you look after them and care for them , than they get on the street uh? Wazza.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-03-11 03:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
El Presidante...
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-00HA HA RABBIT-0
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teh DRUNKEN abacus strixe agaeen.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-03-06 22:11:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-02-23 22:48:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've noticed that ever since Leilani saw that Bart had put her on his gay "labels", thus insinuating a potential stalking situation of which he is a professional, Leilani has turned the so-called tables and chases him around, much like Electro chases a dollar bill on a string around.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-02-23 22:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rrraowr!!!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2006-01-02 17:11:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We are all on drugs...
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. If we could just do that, then there's be more to go around for the rest of us.
You in for Vegas? Be an honor to meet "The Man Himself"
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:52:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 little post from the past!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit. back in the day when you used to write I see
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-01-02 16:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:07:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
That won't solve anything, Goldfish and weed go together like Shlongy and Richard Simmons.
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HAHAHA
Submitted by teehee (user info) at 2005-09-08 11:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
damn skippy
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
re read this and it kicked all ass, once again.
Good point about drugs in prison, by the way. The 'using in prison' issue is one I have not heard in that context before.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2004-08-06 00:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That won't solve anything, Goldfish and weed go together like Shlongy and Richard Simmons.
Submitted by butterball (user info) at 2004-08-05 23:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by oddzandendz (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:22:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
nice shirt.
--------------------------------
yeah...it's beautiful
Submitted by oddzandendz (user info) at 2004-05-23 04:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice shirt.
Submitted by Justafox (user info) at 2004-05-16 06:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny story......
Too bad that you will get assasinated in the year of 2013 (a year after you became president).
reason... the whole country is dying because of hart disease problems.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-21 00:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 6688846993 (user info) at 2004-03-19 20:44:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hello my name is Ben and I'm a goldfish addict. (sobs)
Hi Ben!!!
Kick ass bro,kick ass.
Submitted by BlackTar (user info) at 2004-03-19 20:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this....its great...i think this could seriously turn into something great!! i mean it dosnt have stuff people are usually allergic to so yeah....well done...they are such a drug!! oh and at leaste the only thing u had in ur house was goldfish...not a hairy cookie...yucky!
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-01-27 19:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well put and what a bad ass concept. If I had to eat that many goddamn Goldfish I'd quit EVERYTHING!
Malone
Lucifer Industries
http://www.luciferindustries.com
Submitted by Walrus_King (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good idea but one problem, not that you can really classify pot as a drug but when i have the munchies I will sit there and wolf down a couple of the huge bags of Doritos Dippas (chile flavour) with the extra hot salsa. but the problem is I only ever do that when I'm stoned, i.e. after the use of drugs.
Fantastic
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-15 00:42:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you in a bad mood, bart?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-01-15 00:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SOmebody needs a beating!
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2004-01-14 13:18:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SOmebody needs a haircut
Submitted by settle (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:47:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought you were talking about actual goldfish for the majority of this post.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:19:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure someone still can photoshop the big black rodney in there.
Submitted by magryan at 2004-01-13 00:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not that good, would normally get a 0 except its bart and everyone kisses his ass, so I'm just trying to balance things.
Submitted by cchero (user info) at 2004-01-12 23:18:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where's the rodeo cowboy?
Submitted by Loopy <help.at.aol.com> at 2004-01-12 16:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf@goldfish.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:15:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The cheddar Goldfish ROCK.
Isn't it funny that I capitalized the word Goldfish?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-01-11 15:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love the picture... It's straight out of the 1950s.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-01-11 08:48:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Rondo_Mondo (user info) at 2004-01-10 20:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, that shirt. Ixnay on the shirt.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-01-10 20:25:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are hucking filarious, bart! Easily the most "readable" writer on this site.
Murphy
Submitted by Wickedriser (user info) at 2004-01-10 18:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/22494
goldfish are the best ever. and wheni say ever i mean... the best.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-01-09 13:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to chew goldfish and spit them into the toilet to convince my parents I was sick as a kid to stay home from school. I'd show them the degraded remnants in the toilet and claim it as vomit. It worked the two or so times I did it. I just tried that experiment in my office and I don't know what the hell kind of crack Mom and Dad were smoking coz there's no fucking way that looks anything close to vomit.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-01-09 12:50:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-01-09 12:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i concur with phinch,
Submitted by squattailyousuckmyballs (user info) at 2004-01-09 12:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-01-09 12:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
the snack that smiles back....until you bite their heads off.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-01-09 12:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... yeah.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-01-09 11:43:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goldfish, doritos.... whatever your drug is. mine's cheez-its.... i can never get enough cheez-its. i wish i could get off, 'em, but i'm just not strong enough. the cheez-it controls my mind, and owns my soul. i first started noticing it was getting bad when i started spending almost my entire paycheck on them. then, when i ran out of cheez-its, it was off to the pawn shop to pawn off anything i could to get more money for cheez-its.
i even did time for my cheez-it addiction. i was at the grocery store, getting more cheez-its to get my fix, and they were out of big cheez-its. i needed a heavy dose that day, and all they had were regular sized cheez-its. i went out to my car and got a crowbar, and came back inside and found the grocery department manager and smashed his face in for not having the big cheez-its in stock. i beat that man beyond recognition. when it was over, i grabbed a box of hot & spicy cheez-its and fled. the cops found me 15 minutes later down the street, laying in my own vomit, shaking violently. i had ODed pretty badly. i tried to ingest the entire box in just a couple minutes. no man can do a whole box of hot & spicy in that amount of time... i was admitted to rehab and did some time in county for that stunt.
i really hit rock bottom when i started sucking dick for cheez-its. how about that? you ever suck dick for goldfish? doritos? i didn't think so. you don't know what real addiction is like. how it consumes you. you feel so empty inside, so you try to fill yourself with cheez-its to ease the pain, but you always digest them, and poop them out. then you have to have more... more... it's a vicious cycle that can never be broken. not with any amount of will power. the cheez-it is stronger than me.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-09 11:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice shirt.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-09 10:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love me some Goldfish.
Maybe the old wives, young executives and stressed state Senate employees could replace all the pills they're popping with Goldfish!
I'm starting today.
Submitted by Goldneyes (user info) at 2004-01-09 10:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always got a box of Honey flavored Teddy Grahams in my desk. between those and goldfish, we can cure the world!!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-09 10:11:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart i love you man, but whats with the shirt?!
Give me your address and i will mail you some better clothes.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-01-09 10:04:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't they make some kind of spicey goldsfish now? I wonder if they are any good.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-09 09:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The multi-colored ones are almost good enough to give up weed. Of course without weed, they may lose their panash.
Submitted by PapSmirnoff (user info) at 2004-01-09 09:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha Goldfish I remember someone putting them in the toilet in elementary school, it was sick cause it was Goldfish and shit mixed together. After that I never had goldfish again....
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-01-09 08:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Goldfish and Cheez-Its give me heartburn, but when i do eat them...I can't stop, I keep gorging on them til I guilt my self into going to the gym.
Submitted by Hugeos (user info) at 2004-01-09 08:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well at least you're not injecting yet.
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2004-01-09 08:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has inspired me to blow off the next hour of work (ok, the next hour of ubersite) and buy McDonalds Capuccino and some snacks.
McDonalds French Vanilla Capuccino is perhaps THE most underrated fast-food item. $2 bucks and it's very tasty. Admiral Ackbar, aka my sales manager, is out with a tummy ache this morning, so no one will bitch about me eating at my desk.
I like the shirt. The picture of you in that shirt ensures that I never, from this day forward, will feel the least bit intimidated by you.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-01-09 08:25:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For about a week I had one of those huge boxes of Gold Fish in my desk drawer. It filled the entire drawer. It said it only contained like 2 pounds worth, but I think they meant to write a metric ton. They lasted for about a week. That was the week I got nothing done (unlike every other week where Im always hard at work...HA!) because Id pour a small bowl of fish and eat them on my desk. Id refill the bowl and eat them. Refill. Eat. Refill. Eat. I did that for 3 days. Then when I went on the 4th day for some more the box was empty. I was kinda upset and actually tore apart the box in hopes to find a few stuck in the corners.
Goldfish kick ass. But you definetly need something to drink with them. At least for the cheddar ones. The nacho ones arent too bad.
I hope to find a metric ton of Combos next. Ill be in my glory if I did.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-09 08:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to agree with some of the others. You need a back-up addictive food. I'm not much of a fan of goldfish. Maybe it is because I expect a cheese flavor and they just don't deliver. I'd much rather have a slice of sharp cheddar on a cracker.
Doritos or Wheat Thins. Wheat things are more addictive, from my experience. Has anyone tried the Wheat Thins Harvest Crisps. That crunchy stuff on top must be heroin. Just thinking about them made me break out the box I keep in my office drawer. Ummm...
Probably a good call on the picture choice. That is why I cropped away most of my tongue photo. A picture of me with my mouth wide open and tongue sticking out is not something I want floating around.
+1 for the plan, which needs a backup that appeals to everyone
+1 for the picture, which as Hair mentioned is slightly erotic
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-01-09 07:43:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah...goldfish.
Someone is going to photoshop the hell out of that photo in Not Good ways not matter which pic you use, Bart.
And Lisa is right. Doritos.
Submitted by fr33d0mrulz (user info) at 2004-01-09 06:43:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goldfish. I hate the stuff.
However, whenevr i start eating that stuff,
i can;t stop.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-01-09 06:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I love the fishes cause they're so delicious.
Only a +1, because CHEEZ-ITS kick the goldfishes asses.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-09 05:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's a retro cowboy.
Submitted by esso_merda (user info) at 2004-01-09 05:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shirt horrendous. Post beautimous.
Submitted by SiliconJesus (user info) at 2004-01-09 04:01:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People Co. also has a solution to the drug problem. take overdosed junkies and crackwhores killed by their jons and make them into snacks. The residual drugs in their system will attract the druggies, and the high cost will prevent them from buying more drugs. the lower amounts of drugs ingested will make it so they step down from addictions slowly.
just remember kids, it's better to eat people then to smoke crack.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-01-09 03:47:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
those gold fishes are fuckin goooooooooood.. i know what you are talking about.. been there before.. Life of a single guy... haha
Submitted by Miss_Sim (user info) at 2004-01-09 03:38:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic.
But mate, what is that shirt? Giddy up Cowboy?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-01-09 03:10:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you know how difficult it is to pose for a picture that you're taking yourself while trying to convey the image of stuffing your mouth full of goldfish?
There was another pose I tried which was of me holding the bag out in front of my face and dumping goldfish directly into my mouth. I think that one looked a little better, but in about three minutes it would have been photoshopped to be a picture of me blowing the famous ubersite black cock.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-01-09 03:02:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
come on,
fess up now,
you really had a serious case of the munchies!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-01-09 02:29:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Snazzy shirt there, buddy.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-09 02:19:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are those chips coming out or going in?
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2004-01-09 02:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's something erotic in that picture...
...going wistful...
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-01-09 02:02:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a full head of hair. But when I read this, I'll judge on something other than your admirable Anglo locks.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-09 02:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd rather be a crackwhore than a fatass.
Not that I'm calling you a fatass or anything......
Does this mean we're breaking up?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:59:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SCERW U LISA!!
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No. Doritos.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:51:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it looks like your inhaling them for god's sake.
slow down man. your gonna go through goldfish withdrawl.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yea, I think my 80 year old grandfather has a shirt just like that. But +1 because I'm munching on Goldfish too.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:45:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate those fish
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dont do drugs. Drugs are bad, mkay.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure if those goldfish are coming or going.
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I say we make drugs legal and illegalize gold fish...just to see what happens.
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would give this a +2 but, I'm kinda bothered by your shirt.
Submitted by Cicciro (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goldfish are wondrous, that is an amazing idea. I think I will start doing drugs if I can get addicted to goldfish in rehab. Then I will get addicted to alcohol and for rehab I will get more goldfish. Bart, this plan is genious, sheer genious.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:40:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<chomp> <chomp> <chomp>
Submitted by frolic_with_elves (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hear ya. I do the same thing with almonds. And Wheat Thins. Damn those Wheat Thins are tasty.
Submitted by negative2man (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:38:45 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2!
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-01-09 01:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, you now rule Bart, because you have a leather chair for a computer seat!