Hands Down My Pants (3480 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.48 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <maiorano84.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-09 14:47:14 EST
I have a bad habit of sticking my hands down my pants. Whenever I'm just sitting around, I have my hands down my pants. When I'm reading a book, I have my hands down my pants. When I'm typing on Ubersite, I have my hands down my pants. When I'm jerking off, I have my hands down my pants.
I am a classic case of BS (Bundy Syndrome). While it may be quite subtle, this disease can be quite embarrassing.
I was hanging out in a room with a few girls, and we were kicking back watching Futurama. Naturally, I had my hands down my pants. This didn't seem to bother them, so I didn't think anything of it. Suddenly, as if against my own will, my hands came out of my pants and travelled in the direction of my nose. I don't know why I went to smell my fingers, it must be human nature or something. I hear lots of stories about people smelling their own farts, smelling their fingers after it's been in their armpits or the crack of their ass; I've heard many frightening stories.
Following my natural human instinct, I brought my fingers up to my nose, and breathed deep the aroma of my own ball sweat.
What I smelled should not be smelled by any normal man. It took all my strength to not pass out in front of these girls. My fingers hit a spot of concentrated ball sweat, and I nearly gagged upon bringing that shit up to my nose. My hands were forever tainted.
"Ok, try and keep it low-key, Matt. Just quietly get up, go to the bathroom, and wash your hands." My brain said.
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, AND ALL THAT IS HOLY!! MY FINGERS FUCKING REEK OF BALL SWEAT!!" My mouth said.
I should have been a little more surprised with how these girls took the news. One of them said, "Yea, I thought I smelled something funny." The other went and got me hand lotion. After various lotions, soaps, and creams, my fingers went from smelling like ball sweat to ball sweat from a French prostitute. Not that I would know what ball sweat from a French prostitute smells like, or anything....
Needless to say, I didn't get laid that night.
Moral: Don't put your hands down your pants.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88541
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2006-05-30 21:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-03 06:19:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2005-11-03 05:23:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-11-02 12:44:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-26 15:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
correction:
moral: don't sniff your ball sweaty fingers in front of a room full of chicks and proclaim your disgust out loud.
do we really need an amusing story to make that point for us?
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funny funny stuff man.. i can't believe the chicks were actually offering scent maskers for your hands hahahahaha
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-04-26 14:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a girl, and I put my hands down my pants.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-25 15:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, AND ALL THAT IS HOLY!! MY FINGERS FUCKING REEK OF BALL SWEAT!!" My mouth said.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I just shit myself I laughed so hard.
Submitted by Jocko_Johnson (user info) at 2004-02-29 00:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Boring and stupid.
Go fuck yourself you fat fuck.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-02-10 14:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I know what you're saying.
I'm surprised the raw pheremones didn't get you some more attention. You should've started rubbing all that excess lotion all over the breasts of your companions.
Submitted by skatastrophy (user info) at 2004-01-14 22:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hands down the pants helps reduce chafing
MORAL:
DO put your hands down your pants
Submitted by Freeman at 2004-01-14 22:46:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My balls smell like cheese and sugar.
+2 for Ball Sweat.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-14 22:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I sit with my hands between my legs because they get cold.
Submitted by Jambo at 2004-01-10 15:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+10 for the Bundy refrence.
-8 cause this thing doesn't go any higher than 2.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-10 15:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad I'm not the only one with Bundy Syndrome. Thank you all for making feel less alone.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2004-01-10 12:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
there is only one solution....grow a third arm that is directly near the cocknballs, this way, your real hands are never in an embarrasing situation, and you can wipe your ass, read a book, and scratch your balls all at the same time...i grew a third arm, and ive never been happier...plus, im a better drummer now...hehehehe
Submitted by mike <nospam.at.spam.net> at 2004-01-10 11:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah ... i put my hands in my pants too ...
Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 (user info) at 2004-01-09 20:47:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
potatomanjack:
Have you ever tried to get you hands down a girl's panties? They're pretty snug, so there's NOT as much or more room than us, even though they don't have the cock 'n' balls in the way.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-01-09 20:15:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha Turtle.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-01-09 20:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Real Moral...
Bathe regularly
-Turtle
Submitted by Jacques Strap at 2004-01-09 19:01:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This post smells like ball sweat to me.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-01-09 18:42:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My mother hates it when I'm home and I sit in the chair in the "Bundy position". In fact, I have to make an effort NOT to do it in class. But, if I am wearing sweatpants, screw it because my hands are ending up in my pants anyways.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-01-09 16:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i stick my hands down my pants every chance i get.
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-01-09 16:37:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So I'm not the only one with "Bundy Syndrome"...cool.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-09 16:23:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phoenix - I'll pick you up tomorrow.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-09 16:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm...cheese...nice!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-01-09 16:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So when are we going to run away together maiorano?
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-01-09 15:31:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-01-09 15:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for Futurama
+1 for Married With Children reference.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-01-09 15:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why, um, no, err, um...there's no getting around this one, is there??
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-01-09 15:05:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's strange. Girls for the most part don't seem to impressed when we have our hands down our pants, yet if I saw girls sitting around with their hands down their pants I would think it was pretty damn cool.
Yep, women should definitely put their hands down their pants as often if not more than guys. They even have a more room down there than we do.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-01-09 15:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phoenix - You've been cheating on me? Why oh why, my legendary bird of fire???
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-01-09 15:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My boyfriend's name is Matt, too and he, also, always has his hands down his pants.
Must be a guy thing...
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by fingerbang (user info) at 2004-01-09 14:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha, i have my hands down my pants all the time too.
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2004-01-09 14:57:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've done some studies on this.
Turns out that the time of hands in pants proportional to amout of nut sac juggling is directly contingent on the amount of reek on hands. In short T x J = R basic enough.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-09 14:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can relate.