Oyster to Otter Ratio (805 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hadley (View user info) at 2004-01-12 02:28:02 EST
Did your parents ever try to sell you the illusion that you could be whatever you wanted? Yeah, mine too. As the years passed and I missed the deadline on becoming the youngest to ever have children (5 year old tribal girl in Africa), never turned purple, and Taylor Hanson never asked me to marry him, I began to realize the utter crock-of-shittiness of this whole concept. Let me lay it out for you:
The world is, indeed, my oyster. I am the otter. Unfortunately, the Oyster to Otter ratio is about 1:400,000,000. Simply, while mommy says that I can be whatever I want, so do 400,000,000 other girls' mommies. 399,999,999 mommies are, apparently, liars.
In essence, instead of encouraging their children, good parents are the ones who teach their children the art of failure. How to not cry when they inevitably get beaten by someone more deserving, how to kiss the asses of those superior to them, how to lose gracefully, and, most important, how to stop trying when they are making fools out of themselves. You don't want your child to be that obnoxious, inept fool who "shoots for the moon, because even if they miss, they still land among the stars."
No.
If you fail, you fail. And this will happen to most of us. Only so many otters can grab that oyster, crack it open, float on their backs, and eat it.
The inspiration for this post comes from a conversation I overheard while eating dinner with my family at a restaurant downtown. One mother was saying to her daughter, who had, I gathered, just lost a championship soccer game. The mother was saying to her daughter "honey, you know you can have anything you want in life. You are so talented, yadda yadda egostroke yadda." Obviously, woman, this is false. If your daughter wanted to be a world renowned soccer superstar, then she is out of luck. The woman proceeded to tell her daughter about how smart she is and will probably go to Harvard with her 3.3 GPA and 1130 SAT scores. Wake up. Smell the idiot. It ain't gonna happen. So don't set the poor girl up for it. Tell her things like "NOVA's campus is looking really nice this year. I hear they may be instituting competitive admission this year!"
I turned to my parents and said, "Thank you for not encouraging me." They gave me this look... hurt, disbelief, shock. "WHAT," they asked, incredulously. They pointed out all the things that they had tried to persuade me that I was capable of achieving. I could be the first female president. I could be the next Shakespeare. I could... be the empress of the world, if I wanted, that is.
At this point, I looked down, shook my head and began to get up from the table. I didn't want to hang around with liars. As I got up, I shot them a few parting words of realism:
"There are 399,999,999 other otters."
User Reviews
Submitted by Thunderflakes (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well written, and too true.
Submitted by rabbithabit at 2004-08-16 20:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the plight of the dreamers...
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-06-13 20:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damnation, I wish I had time to visit Uber like I used to... I have a job that required attention now. What a pain in the ass. I miss you guys!
-Hadley
careeeeeeeer.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-06-12 02:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haah oyster to otter
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-06-12 02:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, Hadley. I missed this one.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-06-12 01:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
amen, PMJ.
-Hadley
rereader.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-06-10 13:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids these days need a good dose of reality.
When a child tells you that he's going to play in the NBA, don't encourage him, just teach him basic math so that he can be a decent crack dealer when he stops growing at 5'10.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-06-10 13:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No one's otter is better than Wubi, my otter.
-Hadley
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-03-01 00:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i think i do know a landy at duke actually. if you ever come back here... shot me an IM, Soccer4860
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:13:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my otter's better. i win.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oops. you went there. sorry.
-Hadley
Crass.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-01-12 18:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
NOVA? As in Northern Virginia Coummunity College...
Or as we used to say on the annandale campus went I went tere 10 years ago...
Little River College (due to proximity of the litte river turnpike)
Turnpike Tech (same reason)
NoGo's (No Va means no go in spanish, also good considering the amount of classes skipped invariably had to effect on grade)
-Turtle
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-01-12 13:28:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHA. Godchicken. Way to come yay close to ruling the world.
-Hadley
failing.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2004-01-12 12:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.dakine.net/humor/images/poster-underachievement.jpg
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:39:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You just have to be honest with your kids. If your kid has an IQ of 100 he cannot be whatever he wants to be. If he has an IQ of 160 but looks like Gomer Pyle he can be a successful ugly person. If he has an IQ of 160 and runs a 5.5 second 40 yard dash, he will always suck at sports. Telling your kid they need to work hard and that you love them etc is good, but lying to them about their uniqueness is not.
Still Hadley you should apply for scholarships and go to UVA. Work hard there and in grad school and you can be rich (to go with good looking) by 26.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:29:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, FatmanPK, a dose of reality is important too. It should come as unconditional love. We ALL have our failings, and that's part of life too.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:26:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Spike Goddess -
I agree partially with you, and partially with the post. Yes, encourage your children to dream, and dream big (After all why dream small if you are going to dream at all?).
However, there needs to be a dose of reality. The 13 year old kid that can't walk down steps without stumbling is not going to be a star running back for an NFL team.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked the post, but I disagree.
For one, every child should want to be something beyond their reach at some point. Yes, they may fail, but they'll still try, and if no one tries to do great things, nothing would ever be done. Margaret Meade once said, "never believe that a few caring people can't change the world, for indeed, thats all who ever have"...and that's the larger point. It's not an issue of teaching kids to be unable to achieve their goals, it's one of teaching them to care passionately about the direction their life goes in.
Of course, the flip side is when the mommies go above and beyond to make it possible to make their kids think they can do anything. In that sense, I have another quote, this one from Bernard Bailey - "when they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover that they are not it."
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait until Otter reads this.
Submitted by KingFreakingKong (user info) at 2004-01-12 09:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like otters.
Submitted by ruination (user info) at 2004-01-12 09:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-12 09:46:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"and ends with whore."
haha, nice
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-12 09:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good post, hence the rating, but I happen to disagree.
Every single human being has vast amounts of unmined talent and potential. How could it be otherwise when we each use such a small percentage of our brains? Children need to be given the chance to dream because part of growing up is understanding how to take something from dream to reality. That always involves compromise and dissapointment, but it's worth doing. If you never dream big, you will never ever hope of acheiving anything big, and more importantly, you will feel unfulfilled in life. If you end up settling for a shit job, then fine, but at least you should know that you're settling.
Everyone fails. Why not fail brilliantly? Why not go down in a fucking blaze of glory? Why not take a few risks and dare to be extraordinary?
Why the hell would you set your child up for mediocrity? Are you really that afraid of dissapointment?
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-01-12 03:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and ends with whore.
-Hadley
cornerho
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-01-12 03:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HA so cynical for one so young.
hahahaha just remember you CAN be anything you want to be......so long as it starts with street.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-01-12 03:03:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah for Kristen. Whenever I lose in wrestling I tell everyone to shut the hell up when they say "good match, man".
NO! it wasn't a good match you ignorant piece of shit! Did you see the score?!?! I LOST!
The match was BAD!
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-01-12 02:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got reviews! look at that!
-Hadley
hmph.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-12 02:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, heck yeah. Nothing pisses me off more than that fuzzy, feel-good "You tried your best" or "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game" bullshit. No. You either win or you lose. Don't hide behind some blanket "I gave it my best shot!" If your best was good enough, you would have won. You didn't.
*Not aimed at Hadley*
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-12 02:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dont know what the fuck an otter is but Im sure it is gay
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-12 02:33:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
otters eat oysters? hmm, intriguing!
i need to go to bed now. it's so far past my bedtime...