For Iddqd- Titties, Boobies, and Jugs, Oh My (1921 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.29 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Quartermain (View user info) at 2004-01-12 10:51:29 EST
One of my roommates is an entertainingly weird little hippy. She is into all kinds of astrology and worshipping 'the earth goddess' and being one with things and that sort of nonsense. She constantly harps at me for any number of things such as country music, reading Bill O'Reilly or Michael Savage, watching football, eating meat, that sort of thing. I argue with her a little if I feel like it, or ignore her if I don't.
A couple of days ago I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone, describing this girl I had seen at a bookstore. 'She had come over from the dance studio next door. About 5'8 or 9 or so and without an ounce of fat on her, it looked like. Dark-haired. One of the most perfectly proportioned women I have ever seen. She had these perfect little round knockers on her-' At this point I am cut off by an outraged 'Excuse me!!' It's the hippy, who has been walking past the door to my room. She goes off on a rant about women's bodies being their own property and to be talked about like that is the equivalent of rape. I re-introduce her to the concept of the private conversation, and shut the door.
After a bit I go down to fix myself some dinner and she is waiting for me. She says 'We need to discuss your use of phallocentric terms for women.' (Yes, she actually did say 'phallocentric'. See what I'm dealing with here?) I roll my eyes, and don't say anything. She then says 'Once we have this issue dealt with, we can move on to the rest of your vocabulary.' I look at her and say 'Well, what do you call them? No, no, let me guess. 'Celestial globes'? 'Mountains of matriarchy?' She gives me a disgusted look and says 'I don't even know why I bother talking to you.' and stomps off.
Hmmm. Mission Accomplished.
Now, although I may not seem like it, deep deep down, I'm a senstitive guy, and this exchange left me a little discomboobulated. I thought about this for a while, employing many hours of solitary cogitation, and I think I have the grand variety of female mammaries strapped into three broad categories.
Titties: These are what you generally see on redneck women and strippers. On my eighteenth birthday, my friends took me to strip club. My first lap dance was from a woman who spoke only one word of English, and that word was 'titties.' I was in Wal-Mart a couple of weeks ago and passed by a woman saying to her thoroughly embarrassed daughter 'Jo-Beth, looks like your titties done growin. Mebbe we kin git you on of dem miracle bras.'
Boobies: In my experience, this is what most women tend to refer to them as. Granted, most of them say 'boob' instead of 'boobie' but give me a break. Science teachers hate this word. Not as much as they hate 'Uranus', but close.
Jugs: This is what women in pornos tend to have. Low-class pornos. The kind that are made in the living room of some raggedy-ass apartment. They tend to be the biggest out of the three categories and the most fake. An old roommate of mine used to buy a magazine called 'Jugs.'
If you know how this picture relates, well then, I guess you win the boobie prize.
User Reviews
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-01-12 20:11:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love going boobie watching. Its a fun hobbie to start.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-12 20:04:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just thinking about Quartermain with a hippie roommate is freaking hilarious.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-12 19:55:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Smoky- The line about solitary cogitation is a joke. The entire essay is a joke. I'm surprised you also didn't point out that I misspelled 'discombobulated' or 'sensitive'
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-12 18:03:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf?
quartermain: i did a whole post about the blue-footed boobies man. come on.
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought about this for a while, employing many hours of solitary cogitation
Hmm...mr. grammar police this is as redundant as saying the Sahara desert.
Cogitation: attentive consideration and meditation.
Still the part about Walmart was good.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:02:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking great. The picture is amusing on account of the explanation.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Reminded me of a line from one of my favourite comic series 'Preacher' by Garth Ennis.
'Everything proceeded on, normal as it could be, and then come the day T.C. fucked the chicken.'
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man, Quarter, that last response of yours almost made me swallow my Altoid. My co-workers are staring at me again...
+2 for the chicken!
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Y'all have no idea how hard it was to find a picture for this post. I typed 'boobie + birds' into the search engine and one of the first things that came up was a picture of a naked woman holding a chicken.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:14:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
discomboobulated. classic.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-01-12 13:46:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I shudder at the thought of her forestial armpits.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-01-12 12:48:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What a stupid bitch.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-12 12:35:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MadJesterVince (user info) at 2004-01-12 12:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent work, hehe celestial globes
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-12 12:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-12 11:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA Hey at least she provides free entertainment! Unbelievable. Silly twat.
I prefer to call them 'my girls'.
Submitted by turveytopsy (user info) at 2004-01-12 11:46:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Boobies! Hurray!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-01-12 11:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
weeeeeeeee!!!
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-01-12 11:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for the post
-1 for living with a hippie
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-01-12 11:24:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work, funny funny.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to meet this womyn (spelling for her sake, not mine.) She needs a class or two in how not to alienate those you're trying to reform.
The picture is of BLUE FOOTED BOOBIES!!!!!!!! I FUCKING LOVE BLUE FOOTED BOOBIES!!!!!!
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:55:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mountains of matriarchy"
You, my friend, kick ass.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:55:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Now i know why you hate liberals.
Submitted by KingFreakingKong (user info) at 2004-01-12 10:53:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Zzzzzz