The DrStrangeDhruv Diet - 10 pounds of fat in 5 days (1462 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.88 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrStrangeDhruv <bigdhruv.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-12 14:42:35 EST
It is oftentimes that people ask me how I'm so fit. They will say, oftentimes, "How, DrStrangeDhruv, are you so fit?" They want to know the total plan, the work-outs, the diet, everything. So as my first effort to help people get nice and sexy like me, here is the revolutionary new DrStrangeDhruv diet, guaranteed to make you lose 10 pounds of fat within just 5 days. You read that right: Five days. Read on, and eat your way to happiness in no time.
Day 1
Breakfast - 15 boiled eggs, 20 pieces of brown bread, 10 pieces of white bread, 8 servings of lardy bacon, 5 bowls of chocolate cereal with non-skimmed milk. 2 pieces of chocolate cake with 4 scoops of vanilla ice cream as dessert.
Mid-Morning Snack - A sheep.
Lunch - 5 chicken breasts, whole, 12 pieces of toast, 20 tuna sandwiches, 8 beefsteaks, medium rare. 15 bowls of Caramel ice-cream as dessert.
Evening snack - 1-2 litres of beer.
Dinner - 4 pieces of fried fish, 3 Bengali hilsas with batter, 2 servings of salmon, 8 bowls of sweet garlic chicken, 4 plates of white rice, 12 servings of lettuce and tuna salad. 20 chocolate-butterscotch sundaes for dessert.
On Day 1, DO NOT exercise.
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Day 2
Breakfast - 30 boiled eggs, 25 pieces of brown bread, 15 pieces of white bread, 2 pieces of chocolate cake with 4 scoops of vanilla ice cream as dessert.
Mid-Morning Snack - A cow.
Lunch - 10 chicken breasts, whole, 12 pieces of toast, 20 tuna sandwiches, 8 beefsteaks, medium rare. 15 bowls of Caramel ice-cream as dessert, with sprinkles and Hershey's chocolate sauce.
Evening snack - BigMike.
Dinner - 4 pieces of fried fish, 13 portions of fried chicken, 22 servings of salmon, 8 bowls of sweet garlic chicken, 4 plates of white rice, 12 servings of lettuce and tuna salad. 20 chocolate-butterscotch sundaes for dessert.
On Day 2, DO NOT exercise.
----
Day 3
Breakfast - 15 boiled eggs, 20 pieces of brown bread, 10 pieces of white bread, 8 servings of lardy bacon, 5 bowls of chocolate cereal with non-skimmed milk. 2 pieces of chocolate cake with 4 scoops of vanilla ice cream as dessert.
Mid-Morning Snack - A sheep.
Lunch - 5 chicken breasts, whole, 12 pieces of toast, 20 tuna sandwiches, 8 beefsteaks, medium rare. 15 bowls of Caramel ice-cream as dessert.
Evening snack - 1-2 litres of beer.
Dinner - 4 pieces of fried fish, 3 Bengali hilsas with batter, 2 servings of salmon, 8 bowls of sweet garlic chicken, 4 plates of white rice, 12 servings of lettuce and tuna salad. 20 chocolate-butterscotch sundaes for dessert.
On Day 3, DO NOT exercise.
----
Day 4
Breakfast - 30 boiled eggs, 25 pieces of brown bread, 15 pieces of white bread, 2 pieces of chocolate cake with 4 scoops of vanilla ice cream as dessert.
Mid-Morning Snack - A cow.
Lunch - 10 chicken breasts, whole, 12 pieces of toast, 20 tuna sandwiches, 8 beefsteaks, medium rare. 15 bowls of Caramel ice-cream as dessert, with sprinkles and Hershey's chocolate sauce.
Evening snack - Alf Kid.
Dinner - 4 pieces of fried fish, 13 portions of fried chicken, 22 servings of salmon, 8 bowls of sweet garlic chicken, 4 plates of white rice, 12 servings of lettuce and tuna salad. 20 chocolate-butterscotch sundaes for dessert.
On Day 4, DO NOT exercise.
----
And that's it. That's all there is to this sterling, archetypal, absolutely nonpareil diet. Well, almost all.
Many people have asked me how, with such indulgent dietary habits, one can actually lose weight with this plan.
The answer is simple. On Day 5, kill yourself. You will lose approximately 9-10 pounds of fat post mortem on account of bodily decay, and on account of the fact that after you die, you will have someone unceremoniously shove you into bedraggled country terf filled with flesh-eating maggots and parasitic mud-leeches, who will consume that unsightly flab right off you. Especially if you are that fucker squattail, with his anus-abbreviating dirty rotten.com pictures. Or those asswipes like "cheesedick" and that four-flushing rating-ruining toilet floater who calls himself "Christ". That negative-2-guy and the assmonkey who made that 'Fuck the rules' post. Bob Saget, Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears. The asshole who produces 'Joe Millionaire'. The moron who dropped a glass of water on my shoes the other day. Follow my diet. All you pygmydicked skunkfucking sons of the not entirely maidenly. Crack babies.
It's a great plan, I mean, really. Spend your last few days eating the best damn food that the world has to offer, don't exert any needless energy on working out, and finally just pop it happy, content and with the knowledge that your diet is going to be infallibly successful. Plus, after you die, it means one less person in the world, which is a particularly nice gesture if you are one of the toilet plungers mentioned above.
Seriously, these people are bullshit. How dare they breathe my air. Worthless bastards. Follow my diet.
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the post
+100 for spiderman getting down
my calculations say that equals 2
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2004-01-13 10:05:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Gotta love the Spidey dance...
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-13 03:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am happy!
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-01-12 20:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Super plus two.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-01-12 19:38:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A+, as usual.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-12 19:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bigmike: its like the 2lb. burger at my local deli.
bring it. if i can eat 2lb. i can surely eat 200lb.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-01-12 19:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you can finish all of me in one sitting.......dinner is free and your picture goes up on the wall.. Otherwise you'll have to pay 19.99 just like the rest who have tried.
Cheers.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-12 19:20:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you dr...
what? huh? oh shit.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-01-12 19:03:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I substitute Phoenix for BigMike on Day #2? And may Godchicken assist me in the cannibalism that commences?
Because...she's crunchy and delicious with ketchup!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-01-12 18:40:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another post by the Dr. that never ends the way you think it will.
Or maybe that's just me not catching the drift.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:58:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about chutney?
Submitted by Velouria (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny post. And is that ghey spiderman?
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:24:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm sheep...
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:21:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, one of the top five hate posts of all time!
I laughed when I read, "Midmorning snack: A sheep" for the first time. You've got a great sense of rhythm to your writing.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:57:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks... I was going for a post which would entrap the awarenesses of some of those to whom it was directed, leading them on, menacingly, slowly, to that irresistible conclusion that they would be learning something of greater denotation than the meaning of life, matriculating the subject of, can it be true, losing 10 pounds in 5 days on a mutated ape diet, mystically alluring their vapid minds with my deliberate, entrancing words, then sledgehammering them in the face with a (my)penis-sized bitch slap. Nine out of ten crack babies agree, they were fooled. The tenth was Britney Spears, she was stumped at 'revolutionary'.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:51:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spidey dances around in a GHEY GHEY way.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:49:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the best hate posts I've read in a long damn time.
Especially this: All you pygmydicked skunkfucking sons of the not entirely maidenly
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-12 14:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
ATTN: GHEY SUPERHEROZ