"I hate Illinois Nazis." (874 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.36 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LisaCat (View user info) at 2004-01-12 15:02:54 EST
It occurred to me during this morning's transit that I was not going to have a good day.
Despite the overcast skies in Chicago, it was relatively warm outside and traffic was moving at a brisk pace. I was enjoying my morning commute while listening to one of those audio-book recordings of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Yes, I have read the books, but if you haven't heard any of these award winning recordings, or simply miss being read a story every once in a while, I HIGHLY recommend starting out with Harry Potter.
The story was getting right up to the part in which Harry had deduced Voldemort's evil plot right after he had just gotten sucked through the goblet into the evil sorcerer's sanctuary, when I noticed a pair of blinking lights in my rear view.
I quickly glanced over my right hand shoulder and began merging in hopes it was just an emergency vehicle needing to pass me so that the driver could save some stranded kitten elsewhere, but that was not my luck. Instead the officer pursued me and I begrudgingly pulled over into the shoulder.
As the officer approached, I angrily rolled down the window, looked up at the officer, and said, as politely as possible, "Yes officer?" Throw in a good batting my eyelashes for good measure.
He responded with the caustic "Hello mam, could you turn that down?"
"Just as Voldemort was reaching down towards Harry..."
Click, the recording was stopped and my heart shattered gaze returned to the officer.
Unbeknownst to him I wasn't angry at being pulled over or my subsequent late arrival at work, he just ruined 'the moment' for me. The climax of the book, story, and all that came before it was ruined. I was seething with anger.
If I only had the cullions to slam on the gas pedal, push play, and ride off into the Harry Potter bliss, leaving this contemptible cretin behind for his horrid sense of timing. A devilish smirk crossed my face as I envisioned the glory of listening to the remainder of my Potter, arrived at work on time, and decimated this officer's chance at meeting his quota for the day.
After a quick gonad check, I reluctantly decided that today was not a glorious day and quickly transformed my evil smirk into a disappointed sigh. The officer simply looked down at me and asked, "Do you why I pulled you over?"
A quick flash of potential answers flashed across my mind. I know why he pulled me over, he saw a blonde driving down the expressway and decided to inform me that my taillight was malfunctioning, in hopes that he could pick me up. Yea that's it, I'm beautiful, I'm stunning, I'm desirable. That's why he pulled me over, to get my 'license and registration.'
I looked up at him and asked with as innocent a look I could muster, "To get my license and registration?"
"Well, we'll get to that eventually, but do you know the 'Real' reason?" he replied.
Another thought flashed across my mind. Maybe I wasn't thinking far enough into the future. Perhaps in the second or two he got a glimpse of me, he had already seen his future life flash in front of him. He saw a nice house, several happy children, and ME as his beautiful wife. Maybe even some dogs and a nice green lawn. He saw Sundays spent watching football while I did his laundry and provided him with snacks and beer, never questioning my marital duty. I managed to shake off those thoughts and replied, "Ummmm no."
"You were traveling in the left lane..." he started.
"Since when has traveling been illegal?" I quickly replied, cutting him off as I was reminded of the Harry Potter I was missing due to this whole charade.
"- recent legislation was passed restricting traffic in the leftest most lane to emergency vehicles and faster traveling traffic. Aka only for 'passing vehicles'" he calmly hinted. "I'll let you off with a..."
"But officer that makes no sense. All I was doing was listening to my Harry Potter tapes and minding my own business. I may have been all alone in the left lane, but I am nothing more a simple worker wanting to get to work in a timely fashion. I can't help that I became so engrossed in my listening that I broke any sort of law, much less some stupid legislation passed by the incumbent..." My rambling had a mixed effect on the officer's face as I quickly realized that I cut him off right before he was going to let me off with a warning.
"License and registration please," was his cold response after a few brief seconds dominated only by the sounds of passing traffic. He took my information and returned to his vehicle while I was left alone in defeat.
"Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit!"
My tantrum wasn't limited to the debauchery of 'French,' but in my blind rage, I ejected the libraries copy of my Harry Potter audio-book, threw it out onto the highway, and watched it get crushed under the tires of a speeding car.
The officer returned to my window, read me the instructions, and told me the repercussions of my actions. He also made mention of 'overlooking' a possible littering fine and said "Have a nice day!" with a shit-eating grin.
Today at lunch, I went to the library depressed, disappointed and emotionally spent, for I had to return the Harry Potter audio-book to the library sans the last tape. After the librarian viewed the contents for check in, she asked me where the final tape was.
Dumbfounded, the only response I could think of slipped passed my lips as I opened up my purse, "I hate Illinois Nazis."
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-07-12 15:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blues bros
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-12 20:20:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As much as I like your posts, I'm going to have to agree with jimbo. He was willing to let you off with a warning, you kind of torpedoed yourself.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-12 17:19:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
he confiscated your licence?
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastard people.
SpikeGoddess
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-12 16:33:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that does suck. why oh why didn't you just let him give you a warning? sucks that you didn't realize he was going to. oh well... you'll survive :)
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:42:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's apparently "Illegal" to drive in the left lane in Illinois unless you are passing traffic or are an emergency vehicle.
What's even more ironic is that I left my AAA card in another purse, so he had to take my liscense instead of my bond card. So now when I go to get into clubs, bars, anywhere else I get carded, I get to use my library card as photo id along with the carbon-paper citation. Why can't it be Friday already???
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the cop here. I absolutely hate drivers who cruise along in the left lane when not passing someone. I end up having to risk my safety to weave in and out of traffic and pass them on the right, which is also illegal. If you aren't passing, get the fuck over.
Sorry he ruined your story experience, though.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I envisioned being the cop when you were envisioning bearing his children. Thank you for brightening my day
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:31:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well-written.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:30:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here in town, it's illegal to leave your keys in your car while it's running. I dunno why, theft I assume, but you can get a fine for it. I don't think they actually enforce it though. I think it ends up being something they lecture you about if the car gets stolen.
breakin the law
breakin the law
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:26:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cops are horrible cowards by and large on a power trip. At least they make no money...
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:25:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
He is a Nazi for giving you a ticket after you threw a tantrum? Would he have been a Nazi if you had not said anything, and had you NOT gotten a ticket?
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:20:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww... I hope your day got better.
Personally, I would have just cried.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:19:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lisa, I respect you. You've written some terrific posts. But arguing with a cop during a traffic stop is just fucking stupid.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-01-12 15:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that sucks.
i always turn into a spineless wimp whenever a cop pulls me over.
"yes sir, right away sir, of course sir, yes i'll suck harder sir"
oh and +2 for the Blues Brothers reference.
a fine movie. from a fine city.