My Neighbor's Two-Year-Old Daughter is Trying to Kill Me (51743 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 86 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell <sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-13 00:06:53 EST
Two months ago, my wife and I moved into our new apartment. It's a regular apartment with the same basic layout as any other apartment complex. In order to get from my apartment to the parking lot you have to go down a hallway and descend a flight of steps. Because we all share a hallway, my wife and I have come to know a few of our neighbors quite well. Right from the start we knew we had some..."interesting" people around us.
- The guy across the hall enjoys watching war movies with his surround sound speakers turned all the way up. That's fine by me, but sometimes I'm convinced we're being attacked by Germans...or Vietnamese...or Russians...occasionally aliens. The entire situation is actually making me quite paranoid. It's not fun slowly walking through my kitchen praying that "Charlie" doesn't jump out from behind the fridge.
- The man above me hammers all day long and always in intervals of three:
BAM BAM BAM ....BAM BAM BAM ....BAM BAM BAM ....BAM BAM BAM ...
Is that stuck in your head yet? Welcome to my world. Either he has a ridiculous amount of pictures he needs to hang or he has a bug problem I can't even fathom.
- The couple next door do not seem to have any odd or annoying habits; however, because of them that I fear for my life. Why? It's simple really: their two-year-old daughter wants to kill me.
About a month ago, I was leaving for the grocery. As I entered the hallway, I noticed the little devil-child was playing on her tricycle. As I walked past, she stopped. When I approached the steps, she looked at me and grinned. This seemingly benign gesture told me all I needed to know and more, she is plotting my demise. Allow me to explain.
Are you familiar with The Omen? It's a movie about a family who adopts a child (Damien). Unbeknownst to them, they've adopted the Anti-Christ...hilarity ensues. In the movie, there is a scene where Damien rides his tricycle down the hall and crashes into his mother sending her tumbling over the railing.
Since that day, I have basically locked myself in my apartment, yet I have a feeling that is not enough. Occasionally it sounds like someone hits my door. Once, curiosity got the best of me. After hearing the familiar BUMP, I looked through the peephole only to see her standing about a foot away, staring at my door. My wife says it's nothing, she might have just bumped against it and gotten confused. No, I know better. She is testing the door for weakness.
It's gotten worse lately. As I type this, I hear laughter coming from the hallway. One might say it's the innocent laughter of a child at play. No my friends, this is the malevolent cackle of pure evil. She knows I'm in here, she's merely playing with my emotions.
If I fail to post another article, she got me. If you have any conscience at all you'll call the proper authorities.
User Reviews
Submitted by Prontod (user info) at 2009-01-28 04:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KILL HER! SHE IS SATANS SOULD REBOURN!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-07 11:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Chinaski
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# Messages posted: 16
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 132
# Hits: 5326
Average rating of all messages: 0.59
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Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-01-07 04:57:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
of shit
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-01-07 04:56:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
stop hit-horing this piece
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-01-07 00:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-07 00:34:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
let me tell you about charlie. just stick a mirror on your frig with a claymore mine underneath, when the zip checks out his looks, blow the mine. Lets face it, you can replace the frig, but whats the worth of you emotional well being?
---
WTF. Excellent comment.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-01-07 00:34:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
let me tell you about charlie. just stick a mirror on your frig with a claymore mine underneath, when the zip checks out his looks, blow the mine. Lets face it, you can replace the frig, but whats the worth of you emotional well being?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-01-06 21:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
moderate at best...
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-01-06 20:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the picture for this post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/22930
the conclusion of the story:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/23879
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-12-13 13:21:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My opinion is because it was on Bored at Work and the title is quite eye-catching.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-11 03:44:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Why's this have so many hits? It wasn't THAT funny.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2004-12-11 02:56:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by FearTheFedora07 (user info) at 2004-12-03 22:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
She knows I'm in here, she's merely playing with my emotions. That's paranoia at its best!
Submitted by boredgurl210 (user info) at 2004-10-16 19:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2004-08-01 14:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... +2 for Charlies hiding behind your fridge.
Submitted by Stormlord (user info) at 2004-07-15 18:49:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate kids.
Submitted by J <ro0tsys.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-07 13:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That war guy is better though...
Submitted by lonelydreamer <Viaia.at.aol.com> at 2004-06-25 01:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Children are evil. I think you've found their leader.....
Submitted by Ferretnose (user info) at 2004-06-24 14:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This child is obviously a clown-in-training.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-06 10:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know what's funnier... The story, or the fact that all of you retards think this is the funniest thing in the world.
Submitted by Kichigai (user info) at 2004-04-29 05:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Burn (user info) at 2004-04-28 04:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha damn this is funny!
Submitted by marjon <missfine_online.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-23 22:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA this is one of the funniest posts i read so far, fucking hilarious.
great job man keep hiding haha.
Submitted by Horsefucker (user info) at 2004-04-23 22:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey fucker, I didn't do anything.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-04-23 22:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey horsefucker, stop refreshing it to get hits.
Submitted by Charl at 2004-04-20 08:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha SERIOUSLY FUNNY .... kill the little brat... either tha or install a steel door and an escape route from ure window...maybes that wud work :S
Submitted by Know_Your_Place (user info) at 2004-04-12 08:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny stuff... Though you are a very paranoid person.. I would give you two, but perhaps this one will persuade you to leave your home and have something even more amusing to write about.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 07:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kickinface <hottermustang.at.aol.com> at 2004-04-02 22:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
f*cker kick that biatch in the f*ckin face u ass wipe
p.s. u pussy, u pussy, u pussy, u pussy, if that were me i would killed that bitch u fucker
Submitted by ben <austin> at 2004-03-15 15:37:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Y'know, if you switched over to the KB from the schwag for awhile, you wouldn't be as paranoid ;)
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-03-05 16:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The answer is easy. BIG ASS Rottwieler!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-03-05 10:51:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by McMuffin <notforyoutoknow.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-03-01 13:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One suggests you move home, soon.
Submitted by tobyvictory (user info) at 2004-02-27 16:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I had a neighbor who was always making firewood in his garage. He used a circular saw with a blade so dull I doubt it had any teeth.
Submitted by vinnie <none@none,com> at 2004-02-13 15:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty entertaining.
Submitted by LizardSpark (user info) at 2004-02-06 21:09:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Devil-child, is it getting toasty in here? Nice wordage.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-02-06 20:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you say so "themonkey."
Submitted by jt <themonkey.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-29 15:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
not funny. poorly written. unoriginal. you folks must be bored out of your minds to find this funny.
Submitted by Dusty <js.at.digitalzion.net> at 2004-01-28 11:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG... too funny!
Submitted by wolfshadoww58 (user info) at 2004-01-27 00:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Just all that talk about the neighbors....Lucky we have no devil children around here. But we do have the people upstairs that are always building, then vaccuuming.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-26 15:05:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you
Submitted by curlzntwirlz (user info) at 2004-01-26 12:48:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely loved this.... I'm still laughing from the first time I read it ~ last week.
Submitted by topchris (user info) at 2004-01-26 01:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hey, I got the same kinda guy living up stairs. I sware, the guy is building noah's ark up there.
Submitted by brad <genocide98.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-25 23:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
great story and a great way to add to my usual paranoia.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-01-25 19:12:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, Tom.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-24 04:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Would you please not bring college nonsense into this?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What kind of Michigan fan are you, squattail?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They need to set this ish up so that you can only rate once, edit that rating in case you fuck up, and then post again without submitting a rating, to get rid of dickholes like squattail.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. Get a life. What's your problem?
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
reviews
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
2
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:55 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
+
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
with
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
post
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
spammed
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
someone
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
when
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
you
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
complain
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:27:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, you're entitled to your opinion. Out of 44 reviews the only bad ones came from you two so I'm not that worried about it. Also, apparently someone thinks it deserves to be on boredatwork.
Submitted by kidsensation (user info) at 2004-01-24 01:07:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I agree, there has been a lot of better posts than this on uber. My blank Cottonelle toilet paper was more interesting.
Submitted by SGT Awesome <33mnp.at.fiberia.com> at 2004-01-24 01:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Seriously?
The last 2 sentences seemed like the beginning of the story. This was soo not worthy of Bored at work. So who'd you blow?
Submitted by LordByron <not_right2001.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-23 22:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This... was... the funniest damn thing I ever read. +2 for being so damn good.
Submitted by craig <rcraig1515.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-01-21 22:02:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kali (user info) at 2004-01-21 20:56:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
its too damn short!
and there was no great final sentence
it was like a porn with no money shot
i wish this one was longer, and it woulda been better
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2004-01-21 16:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that's pretty good.
Do you think this two year old has inhuman strength?
Submitted by LaNa (user info) at 2004-01-20 17:06:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha~!!!! + mutha fucking 2! (yes - I swear when I get excited)
...and I wish I could give you another +2 for the best movie synopsis of the Omen ever...
"Are you familiar with The Omen? It's a movie about a family who adopts a child (Damien). Unbeknownst to them, they've adopted the Anti-Christ...hilarity ensues."
hahahhaha!
~LaNa :)
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-20 16:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"She is testing the door for weakness."
HAHAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by casualcline (user info) at 2004-01-20 16:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My gawd...when I read your story about the "demon child" it was like you were me. I have on of those kids but it's a boy. 50% is normal but the other 50% is the part I really watch (makes mer really wonder about his father's ancestors). The muddled growling, super sonic periferal vision, the blank, expressionless face and his favorite, crawling on his hands and knees into our bedroom at all hours of the night, just to see which one of us screams first...the list is endless! Sure, I live in constant fear but do not, I repeat, do not scare her back..it only makes them stronger! They've landed and are in households near you! Boy doesn't that sound like something from a cheesy B Grade movie.....haha.
Submitted by Dartag <dartag_kwsn_l.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-20 11:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Submitted by Darkrigel22 (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:58:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as hell... I have a friend who has a kid like that...You just want to thump the little bastard but then there is the whole "jail" thing... no fair..
+2 for making me laugh my arse off!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kabeem (user info) at 2004-01-20 10:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has got to be one of the funniest things to imagine! great work! I'll look forward to seeing if the devil child claims another life (If you do post again).
Submitted by Barbara Lyninger <blynnin.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-19 19:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The first rating (0) was a mistake. I was in a hurry. sorry
Submitted by Barbara Lyninger <blynnin.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-19 19:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
made us laugh out loud
Submitted by Barbara Lyninger <blynnin.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-01-19 19:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by diamond (user info) at 2004-01-19 15:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so funny! Thanks!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-19 12:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No kidding Charisma, that's the whole point of the story.
Submitted by Allyson (user info) at 2004-01-19 11:58:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for your story... +100 for the family guy comment.... fucking hilarius.
Submitted by Charisma (user info) at 2004-01-19 11:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
paranoia is at play
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2004-01-19 09:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LANDMINES MAN!!! GET SOME LANDMINES!!!
you can recover a few of the old 'bouncin betty' gernades and maybe a claymore or 2... that ought toi keep her at an acceptiable distance.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-19 08:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyDonuts (user info) at 2004-01-15 22:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep on truckin'.
Submitted by Poopypants22 (user info) at 2004-01-15 22:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff
Submitted by GIGGAS2 (user info) at 2004-01-15 19:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is bloody brilliant. I say, this is good enough to kill Lois.
"Now Stewie, stop playing with the keyboard. Here, I'll put you in your playpen."
Now listen here lady.... HEY! PUT ME DOWN! I SAY! LET GO OF... well, isn't this dandy. Dog! You! Get me out of this wretched contraption!
"Nah, I'm on my way to go get plastered."
Stupid drunk dog...
<<<>>>
How the hell did that turn into Family Guy?
Submitted by SteveLynin (user info) at 2004-01-15 19:25:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hilarious
Submitted by InSaNeSna1L (user info) at 2004-01-13 22:23:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-13 08:17:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
You should try scaring her back. Scare her so she will never come near your door again and will have nightmares the rest of her life, heeehehee
--------------------
That'd be playing with fire considering shes the devils child...
Submitted by kim <atyahoo> at 2004-01-13 16:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
exceptional work!
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-13 14:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-13 14:27:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks...I made a picture, I'm going to post it later on.
Submitted by Tabatha (user info) at 2004-01-13 13:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:54:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-01-13 08:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should try scaring her back. Scare her so she will never come near your door again and will have nightmares the rest of her life, heeehehee
Submitted by Verbal_Assassin (user info) at 2004-01-13 04:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHHA, this was hilarious!! I was doing that 'random laugh and no-one knows why so you're getting looked at like you're nuts thing' and it's 3:39 am. And everyone is asleep, why did I feel as though someone would be watching me laugh randomly......I don't know, I think I need to go to bed....hahaha.
Great post!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-13 04:06:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for the kind words.
Submitted by CowTipper (user info) at 2004-01-13 02:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only wish I could post this well.
Submitted by MrB (user info) at 2004-01-13 01:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words:
Bloody excellent!
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-01-13 01:00:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice post. i dunno about b.a.w. but nice nonetheless.
man i'm bored...
someone talk to me - soccer4860 - on either aim or yahoo...
bah. i got another hour or two before i go to sleep..
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:58:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
4104.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=4104
you are the 4101st person to create an id on ubersite.
Submitted by settle (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, I appreciate that, but what is a 4000+ user?
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-01-13 00:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my fucking god!
is this a 4000+ user?!
YES!
is this boredatwork material?!
YES!!!!!!!