Ockham’s Razor – I am definitely blonde (801 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 1.37 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LisaCat (View user info) at 2004-01-13 12:17:14 EST
Yesterday saw many strange things. On Mondays, I do just do not seem to please the universe in my being, so the universe transforms me into a focal point of chaos. I become a walking storm of uncertainty and entropy. Every situation I get into seems to end either poorly for me or at the very least bizarrely.
Take a meeting I attended late yesterday afternoon for instance.
It was an annual goal setting meeting which involved everyone from the Director of Corporate Risk Management to a guest appearance and speech by our revered CFO. The focus of the meeting wasn't your typical run of the mill 'project related' meeting, but instead was a dull presentation with as little audience participation as possible. All the people within my department understand the etiquette associated with goal setting meetings with the CFO, for it was a well known fact that John, the CFO, could ramble on and on for hours if provoked. He is quite a verbose fellow to say the least, so we all keep to ourselves and find a random focal point in the room to draw our attention away from essentially the same speech we heard last year.
This year was slightly different however as John decided to draw our attention away from random points in the room, out the window, or my personal favorite, people's ties, by handing out folders containing a goal setting itinerary for the entire Risk Management department. I was slated to give a small presentation about a recent project my group finished up directly tying into the end of John's address. My queue to begin my presentation was John's reference of Ockham's Razor, which I would tie into the new process my group created in evaluating the previous years financial risk factor associated with accidental death related claims.
If you are ever going to run a meeting, presentation, speech, or whatever; realize that by handing things out, you've just made it that much harder to keep your audiences attention to what your saying. To make matters worse for John, he had his aide running a PowerPoint presentation to steal even MORE attention away from his keynote address.
So there we all were, sitting in the conference room listening to him drone on and on about increasing production to meet our goals as well as global goals to write a record number of premium for the year blah blah blah profit sharing, blah blah blah underwriters.
John sneezed in the middle of his third point, to which I resounded a rather loud "God Bless You" out of habit. The sheer volume and promptness of the room caused everyone to stare at me for a brief few seconds, and even John himself seemed to nurse my embarrassed reaction with a soft, but very decisive "Thank you."
I got the point.
I found myself drifting away as his voice continued on. Occasionally I got a sharp jab from the always friendly, more often 'trying to be too friendly,' Jeff. My response was always the same, a grunt followed by my mind's eye wandering deeper and deeper into the fascinating color scheme displayed by the PowerPoint presentation.
I swear, if I stared at the screen long enough, I could see the colors actually move. The reds, blues, and blacks seemed to swirl together while I lifted up off of my chair to fly through their splendor. Off in the distance I heard less of my CFO's voice, and more of Strauss' Blue Danube off in the distance. I even noticed a faint flower smell as some of the reds and blues began swirling together to form wide open fields of multicolored flowers -
Poke.
I quickly opened my eyes and glared directly at Jeff. I knew that what he was doing was in my own best interest, but I swear he pokes me just for the simple satisfaction of having touched me. After giving the 'evil eye,' I returned my gaze back to the screen and listened in to John's speech.
"It is with these new goals that we can reach new plateaus in the insurance world blah blah blah actuarial students blah blah blah fields of flowers..."
I was shocked. Did he just say fields of flowers?
I quickly turned back towards the screen and was amazed to find some feint yellows intermingling in the field of red and blue lilies. The yellows quickly blossomed up into sunflowers that smiled at me as I was whisked away, floating over this perfect land of tranquility. The music soothed my soul unlike any other composition could. I was limitless here and at perfect peace with the universe. I looked up only to see a feint glowing light along the path I was headed. When I looked back down, some of the blue lilies transformed into blue jays and took off into the crystal clear sky, soaring to unreachable heights. I wanted so desperately to follow those birds to wherever they were headed, but I was stuck on this path traveling over the flowers and towards the light.
Poke.
Again with this horrible snap to reality! I swore revenge and promptly returned the poke with a sharp jabbing thrust of my elbow into Jeff's ribs. An air-filled huff of Jeff's breath let me know that I accomplished my goal.
At that same instance, my gaze was drawn up to John, as he said the word 'goal' at precisely same instant I was achieving mine. It was one of those brilliant moments of symmetry in which some says precisely what your thinking at the exact same time.
As I looked at his etched face, I saw his lips moving, but could only hear the subtle trails of the chorus of Blue Danube. John then began to lift off of the ground and hovered, stationary for a moment. As I quickly checked back around the conference table, everyone else in attendance seemed to float up out of his or her chairs and began to soar towards the screen. When I turned towards the screen, I too began floating over the field of flowers again. This time the field was spotted with flowers of all varieties and colors. There was a seemed migration of birds that took the skies as I neared a bright patch of chrysanthemums. The music was becoming louder as I got ever closer towards to light at the end of my path. The beauty became almost unbearable as a crescendo in the music sent chills up and down my back. I felt warmth inside of me I had never experienced. I floated in my blissful ignorance until the only thing surrounding was the white light of nirvana.
Wait, what was that off in the distance? It sounded like a voice.
"Just like Ockham's Razor, right Lisa?"
Snapped back to reality, I was torn from my moment of complete clarity and oneness with the universe only to find the conference room filled with people staring blankly at me. I looked up at John only to find that he too was staring intently at me. They were all expecting something of me; some sort of response no less. My nervous gaze quickly gave the room another once through and returned up to John.
Of course, I know what happened! It was so simple.
I smiled up at John and proudly said "God Bless You."
There are moments in this universe in which the simplest explanation is often the best. At that precise moment, I was definitely a blonde.
User Reviews
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-01-13 15:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-13 13:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the same problem in boring lectures. Its always at the point that you're paying the least possible attention that you get singled out.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-01-13 13:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've been here since July, when do I get to hump you? I'll wear lipstick. C'mon!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-01-13 13:15:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Normally, I would say you are on hallucinogens. However, Mondays do tend to turn out similarly for me too...
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:49:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! Yea, meetings suck ass. But to me it sounded like you were
tripping more than just dozing off....
Sure there wasn't anything funny in your cocoa puffs?
Submitted by Nlaar (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:40:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very cool, I was almost swept into the powerpoint presentation myself then...
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meetings are fun.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Between this event and my ticket/destroying public (aka the libraries) property earlier on yesterday, I have come to the conclusion that I should use as many PTO days as possible on Mondays.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:24:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha that was great.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2004-01-13 12:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bah, damnable lack of .jpg format!!!
Oh well, it's Tuesday, and unlike Mondays, Tuesdays just turn out horrible for me.