The Measure of Mankind’s Intelligence (710 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Cicciro <tommyr786.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-14 21:40:29 EST
There are many researchers and scientists who are trying to probe the human mind to find out what causes certain people to have a greater draw towards intellectual stimulation. They have been testing and experiment for ages to figure out why some people learn faster, store more and relay information better than others. They have made some advances in acknowledging the connections between brain cells, but I am no scientist and I don't know jack shit about those pink, wrinkled ass cheeks we have inside our skulls
They say on a clear day when the majority of us humans have a happiness about us coming from the weather, we have eaten, we have had some invigorating exercise and we have had some fun, we are at our prime for intelligence. I feel as though they forgot the most important factor. This factor is the only way to measure a man's intelligence without drilling into the cranium (evil scientist laugh). We see this as a daily thing and some are more prone to this than others. Some realize the efficiency when things work a certain way, and if they are in any other form the efficiency can drop over 50%. We all can find the measure of man's intellect by going to the bathroom.
As you sit down, bring a book or something you will be here for a while. You will sit and sit and sit some more. Then finally you will have sat long enough for the feces to find it safe to exit its front door and go to work. Once the dad and the kids are in the family car you can send them off to work and school respectively.
Now you look around the bathroom. Take note of the location of the toilet paper dispenser. For a family of left-handed people, the dispenser should be on the left. Always the direct left; never behind left or forward left. If the family has a mix of hands or shares with company that has different coordination, there should always be two bathrooms; one for lefty and one for righty. The same bathroom rules apply for those with right-handed people. If the toilet paper is anywhere but on the direct right or left, you can determine that who ever set up this bathroom or build this house was an utter moron. If the dispenser is to the left or right, move on in this guide to determining the intelligence of man.
Eye the dispenser thoroughly. Does the dispenser have too walls with a squeeze tube to hold the paper tube in place. If so this is good, but you must make sure this dispenser can fit a full size home use toilet paper roll. If it cannot and the paper roll does not slide smoothly, these people are imbeciles. They are nits if they have one of those loop holders with the open end that has a small indent so the paper does not fall off. The paper always falls off. If they have passed the test so far, continue on.
Next check out the toilet paper itself. Two ply or higher is all you should accept. One ply toilet paper causes unnecessary folding and if you don't you will end up with shit on your hands. Because they use one ply, I can assure you the first five seconds of running water will have the rust discoloration because these people are poor. They are poor because they are stupid. Did they pass the test? Good, move on my toilet soldier.
The final test is the direction of the toilet paper. Most do not pay attention, but if you think about it, having to reach around the dispenser to find the loose sheet can take anywhere up to a good five minutes. You will give it a spin but then the paper will hit the ground and sop up their two-year-old son's miss. The number one way to measure the intelligence of mankind is to find out which way their toilet paper rolls off the roller. If it's over the top, you've found your new best friend. Around the back and you found the guy who has wiped himself with his new church shoes.
User Reviews
Submitted by Velouria (user info) at 2004-01-15 11:19:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm totally anal. My toilet paper has to be going over, not under. And if I'm at someone's house, and it's not facing the correct direction, I'll fix it. I need help.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-01-15 01:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2004-01-15 00:53:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah cuz, 'cause I fuckin hate it when people turn their paper backwards. I change it every time.
-Bus
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-01-15 00:36:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I couln't care less about the particular state of the toilet paper, as long as it's there. And not wet.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-15 00:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2004-01-14 23:39:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by Freeman at 2004-01-14 22:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...don't know jack shit about those pink, wrinkled ass cheeks we have inside our skulls
+2 for that.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-01-14 22:05:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of the Simpsons episode when Bart wins the elephant from the radio station. When they couldnt afford it anymore, Marge had to start buying 1 ply tp. Well I thought it was funny
Submitted by helpertin <me.at.fakeemails.com> at 2004-01-14 21:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Becues it is such a trivial matter, which way the roll is oriented can't possibly indicate a persons intelligence.
But by debunking you I have proven your lack of intelligence 8|