The Sun Sucks: Lets Blow Up the Sun! (943 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 0.88 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Despiadado <bored.at.work.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-15 10:52:40 EST
The sun is the source of many things. The Sun gave rise to life. The Sun gave us a time scale by which to set our calendars. And now the Sun has given me excruciating pain.
Last friday, I allowed my self to be conned. My beach bum friend was doing a trip down to the Gold Coast and asked a few people to join him, as he usually did. Now just so you have the picture straight in your head, my beach bum friend is very close to black. He was born white, but after years of exposure to the sun, has managed a Micheal Jackson in reverse. The other people who he asked to go were all at least part aborigional. I am a white boy. That's not just to say that I'm not black or asian, that's to say that my ancestors were from Holland and Germany, and I'm a blond haired, blue eyed white boy. Some might say that I'm a superior being destined to lead the aryan master race to victory over the lesser races. Others (me included) might say "Fuck that shit off! People that white aren't meant to live in a country like Australia!".
So, due to lapse of better judgement, I was soon on a train to the Gold Coast. Now remember people, what do we say here down under? When going out in the sun, slip on a shirt, slap on some sunscreen, and slap on a hat. All I took was a cap, bordies and a pair of sunnies. Fuck, I can be so stupid sometimes. So anyways, we got off the train and jumped on a bus to the surflife saving club were my mate is a member. Or he was a member. Now he just goes in and scams the use of the free showers on account of that the council removed the public ones due to a water shortage. So we finaly arrived at around nine-in-the-morning-ish, and got down to the surf to find only a few weekend swimmers out this early. The surf was absolutely excellent. The massive sets were cruising right down to end of the sand bar that the flags were watching over. After some fun in the surf, more of the locals started to come out and the rip along the beach was starting to get serious, so we got back on the bus to go down to the next beach.
The next one, as it turned out, was not so much a beach, as it was a river mouth. My mate knew the area well and took us to a kayak rental joint where we picked up a two man for two hours. This was at eleven o'clock. So that meant that I was now going to spend the two hottest hours of a mid-summers day floating out in the swells entering Currumbin alley. With my pasty complexion, this is not really what you would call intelligent. I was having way to much fun to see the stupidity in it though. We paddeled it out of the river and up to another flagged beach that was packed with surfers. Surfers can be really arrogant fucking knob-heads if you catch them at a bad moment. Well, after a few particularly bad ones gave us pieces of their respective minds, we decided to go to the other side of the river mouth where the surf was just as good, where there were no surfers, only jetskiers. On our way out we were caught in a biggish wave that pushed us staight into a surfer hanging to catch some swells. The bitch had a whine and told us to fuck off, we were leaving anyway so we didn't bother arguing. The jetskiers are pretty cool. They're all rich kids with mad toys. But kayaking in the surf means that you will be prone to capsizing. This can be quite scary as that renders you almost invisible to the people cruising around on those water borne crotch rockets.
We were running out of time so we landed the boat and carried it back to river to avoid going back to the surfers. We got set back up again just inside the river mouth and soon realized that we were never gonna get this two man thing back to the rental place by the time it was due as the river was flowing pretty fast and stopping us from making must progress, especially with all the people we had on it. So we just hung about in the mouth looking for a motor boat to give us a tow. By this stage I had realized that I was burning up. I had been in the sun for too long and was certain to get some rather bad sun burn. I started to get a bit desperate and complained to the other guys that we needed to hurry this whole thing up. Not many motor boats were coming past and the ones within earshot were too concerned that John-Law would fine them for towing us. We decided to let off all of the passengers and let them walk back to the store where our bags were, and just the two people with oars get the thing back. Even like this it was still fucking hard against the current. With both of us rowing we were still only going the same speed as the ones walking along the river bank, and we were getting fucking exhausted. Eventually we got back, about half-an-hour late. The guys at the kayak shack were cool though. We got our stuff and went out to the bridge. Now I know I shouldn't have gone back out into the sun, but this bridge is so much fun to jump off so we fucked around on that for a while and then caught the bus to Burger King. We had lunch and jumped back on the bus to get home.
Now I'm sitting here in the aftermath of the worst case of sunburn I have ever experienced. I work in the retail food business http://www.ubersite.com/m/22519 , so I had to miss a shift at work rather that let people get my peeling skin in their subway sandwich. I have suffered at the rays of the sun that so many worship and have already began to plot my revenge. The destruction of the Sun will require a lot of help from a lot of people. I think that some sort of rocket would be the best idea, but rockets use huge amounts of resources, and after the sun is gone, what resources will there be to live on? So I have devised a ingenious solution: A cut-price rocket. The rocket will be build from strong though cheap and light weight materials such as stryrophome and balsa wood. The rocket will be fueled by my intense hatred for it's intended target. Instead of those expencive guidance systems, my rocket will be manned. The following pilots are under consideration: Kevboyh, McBain and Koolmang (one and two). Nasa's help has been offered however their offer was rejected on account of the missions importance and the fact that we want to actually hit something. http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/solarsystem/mpl_report_000328.html
User Reviews
Submitted by 10c7c (user info) at 2004-11-02 12:31:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Choppa (user info) at 2004-07-26 01:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sunscreen is 'sloped' on. not 'slapped'. although that would be more fun.
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-03-29 06:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this is incredibly lame and retarded
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-03-29 06:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=10805574015317385
Submitted by Tony_Danza (user info) at 2004-03-29 05:51:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GAY
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-16 01:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
To be fair, I spelt BoArdies wrong. I missed the A.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-01-15 16:02:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a blast. I had 2nd degree sunburns on my face and shoulders from a 16 hour jaunt to the beach with my bro. We had no sunscreen and got completely fried but didn't feel it till the next day.
Squattail you ignorant fuck... Bordies = Board Shorts
-Turtle
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sitting here in Minnesota, where it is currently 15 degrees outside. There is snow on the ground and its generally a blah grey day. So your tale of being at the beach draws no sympathy from me, even if you did get sunburnt.
Good story, though.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually love the sun, but yeah, it's kicked my ass a few times too...and that does nothing but suck.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can get sunburned looking out of a window. My favorite thing is that there is always one spot that I miss with the sunscreen, like oh say the top of my foot - good times.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Goddamn it Hairycoo, that was a fucking good call!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
your American friends will blow up the sun for you :)
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2004-01-15 12:54:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
[Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-15 11:48:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
That's Australian for "all I brought with me was a baseball cap, quick-dry pants and a pair of sunglasses"
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Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-15 11:37:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
All I took was a cap, bordies and a pair of sunnies.
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What?]
You stupid cunt. It isn't the aussie slang, it is that you cannot spell for shit. "Bordies" is not a word, not even slang, anywhere.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-01-15 12:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Marvellous
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-15 11:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh ok. I need like a conversion manual or something.
Submitted by Despiadado (user info) at 2004-01-15 11:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's Australian for "all I brought with me was a baseball cap, quick-dry pants and a pair of sunglasses"
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-01-15 11:37:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
All I took was a cap, bordies and a pair of sunnies.
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What?
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-01-15 10:59:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for you buddy! Fucking sunburn sucks all balls of donkeys.
Feel better.