The Adventures of the Blonde Squad: Mission 2, The Space Fiasco (938 hits)
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Submitted by Stanton_Brasher<juggalo44.at.mad.scientist.com> (View user info) at 2004-01-15 13:03:31 EST
"Baldi, wake up!! I have found something on the radar!" Said Kristin as I flew out of my recliner. I had been catching up on my sleep since the last adventure. I was still a little out of it.
"What is it, Kristin?"
"I was scanning the outer atmosphere radar because I couldn't sleep. I took too many energy pills today and it just wasn't happening. All of a sudden I noticed a giant space ship with a big phallic laser canon on top. I wasn't sure what to make of it and then I took a closer look.....check out the rear window."
"Oh my god! There's only one villain that I know of that would plaster his last name across the rear window....Reyes, Jason Reyes, AKA The Sperm Donor!!!"
I could almost here the sound of soap opera music playing in my head. Dun Dun Dun!!!! This man was dangerous. He was crazy. He didn't want to have any personal gain. He just wanted death and destruction. Him and all of his siblings and cousins have been trying to destroy the world for sometime but who would have thought that they would have the means to build a space ship with a penile discharger? Once, a long time ago, one of the blonde squad members had an affair with Jason. Shanna had not realized the true evil that he possessed until he tried to have her murdered by an army of transvestite prostitutes.He had her attacked when she found out he was secretly calling all male party lines and threatened to tell his friends. Luckily, she got away by smashing him in between two cars. Since then, we have been trying to take him down. At first he tried to make her his eternal bride, or as he liked to call her, his sperm receptacle.
"Well, what she will tell Shanna?" asked Kristin without realizing that Shanna was right behind her.
"What do you mean?" Shanna asked back making Kristin jump in the air.
"Shanna, I didn't see you there. What are you doing awake?" I asked.
"Well, I couldn't sleep so decided to have another hair growing contest with myself. I was in the bathroom watching my leg hair grow when I heard you guys talking. Now what's going on?"
"Shanna, I was watching the skies and...."
Before she could finish telling her the truth, there was a loud crash and the door came flying off the wall. In came Nicole in a wife beater tank top, training shorts, and boxing gloves. She had just come through the training room.
"Sorry guys, I was just training with Frankenstien's monster. It's his fault I went flying through the door. He's such a clumsy bastard. By the way Baldi, I am glad you made him a girlfriend so he stops hitting on me. It was getting harder and harder to come up with excuses as to why I couldn't go on dates with him. So what's everyone doing up? i thought I was the only one who couldn't sleep."
"Apparantly not," I said, " I guess I was the only one that could sleep but that's beside the point. Ladies, Kristin has discovered a terrible problem. Shanna, I want you to brace yourself, The Sperm Donor is trying to shoot his penile discharge all over the world."
"Oh I new that." Said Shanna, "He's a male slut that will do anything whether it moves or not."
"No, I mean he is trying to destroy the world with his giant laser gun." I said "and you ladies are going to have to go into space to stop him."
Meanwhile, out in space, The Sperm Donor was planning his move.
"Brothers, sisters, cousins, essays, essettes, votos, homos, trannies, and thugs, today is a new day. Soon we will destroy the earth and start our new civilization on the moon. Special thanks to everyone that pitched in for us to build our ship, or as I like o call it, The Sperm Receptacle, which I named after my ex-girlfriend. I hope everyone is ok with that name because that's what I am calling it. Oh, by the way, say hello to my little friend."
The group said a collective "hello," and a little jewish man walked out.
"Hello folks, I am Tommy Albertson and I am the inventor of the Penile Discharger located at the top of the ship. I am going to explain how this works. It shoots a load of heat directly into the center of Antarctica and will continuosly shoot a stream until the large chunk of ice has melted, causing much, if not all, of the world to flood. Then I will aim the gun directly at where the USA used to be and leave it there until the world is a giant pot of boiling water, causing it to kill every possible survivor, including the blonde squad. This will only work during the time of day that Antarctica is in the sunlight, which is in approximately 7 and a half hours from now. After we finish "Project Mexi-Melt," we will head to the moon and begin construction on El Earth Dose or for anyone that doesn't speak Spanish, the Earth 2. "
The group cheered because the were excited about their new home where they could be who they wanted and do what they wanted. No more stereo types of 20 mexicans riding in one pinto. No more picking apples in California. No more Taco Bell......well, maybe one or two Taco Bells. This was their future, or so they thought. They did not plan on the Blonde Squad catching wind of them this early.
The girls had already strapped in and were set to go in their personal space craft. I watched as the carted down the runway and disappeared into the sky. Lucky for us at Blonde Squad lmtd, the government had funded us with tons of money to use how we see fit. We always kind of figured that a space craft would come in handy at some point. I walked back to my post to see and hear what was going on and advise. Our ship was so fast that within a matter of minutes, they were in space and approaching the Sperm Receptacle.
"Alright ladies, you need to attach to the bottom of the ship. Do you see the part that looks like a giant scrotum?"
"That's a big sack!" said Kristin
"You are such a pervert," said Nicole with a touch of laughter and disgust in her voice.
After they attached their ship and climbed inside, they decided to do what they always do and split up. There were three halls and they needed to find where The Sperm Donor was and stop the laser. Shanna went down the right hallway, that stopped at a door. She opened it up and walked through it but before she could turn back, she found herself sliding down a long slide. It was completely dark and she could not tell where she was about to land. Finally, she landed in a pool of what felt like jello and came face to face with the two headed lesbian alien wrestler. She came rushing at Shanna but Shanna jumped over her heads as the alien went crashing into the wall.
" I pity the foo who messes with me!" said the alien.
"Watcha gonna do when the Shannamania comes for you," she said back in retort.
The alien threw a left and then a right but both barely grazed past her face. It was not enough on the alien's part because Shanna dropped and did a sweeping kick, knocking the lesbian alien off her feet. Shanna then pulled out her laser gun and made the alien bite the curbed edge of the jello wrestling ring.
"Eat my foot, bitch!" said Shanna as she curb checked the alien. At this point, she found a lever. When she pulled it, the floor came out beneath her and she went falling into another hallway. This time it had light and she started walking down it.
Meanwhile, Nicole took the center hallway and started her journey. Instead of finding a door, she found a corner, inwhich she turned. That's when she had her encounter with the Mexican Martian Mafia. They all had three eyes and green skin, yet they talked in Hispanic accents.
"What the fuck is this white bitch doing in here, Pedro?" said one of them.
"I don't know but she's a dead seniorita, essay," said Pedro.
"Bring it on, ugly" remarked Nicole
"Did you call me ugly?!?! Did you call me ugly?!?!"
Pedro spun out of control and the rest of the martians all pulled together to form one giant alien that stood before Nicole, drooling and breathing heavy.
"You are right, I should not have called you ugly before......because that was beautiful compared to whatever the fuck you are now."
The alien came out swinging at her but Nicole did a back flip out of it'd reach. Then she ran at the wall and used it to propel herself in the air to kick the monster in the face and cause it to swing all the way around and land on it's stomach. He then got up and pulled out a laser gun and started shooting at Nicole as she ran for cover around the corner. She pulled out her magnum and fired two shots. Both landed in each respective kneecap. She then shot one more round that caused the alien's gun to malfunction and fly through the air. She jumped out around the corner and planted both legs into the knees of her aggressor and they snapped like tooth picks. The alien lay on the ground, wounded, and stopped moving.
"You suck, that was too easy." she said as she walked down the rest of the hallway.
Finally, Kristin, who took the left hallway, came to an elvator. She got in a pressed the up button. When she got out, she came across Tommy Albertson, the inventor of the gun and an army of tranny prostitutes.
"Hello ladies, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. From the looks of you all, I expect you want it hard."
"Kill her!" screamed Tommy.
They all started running towards Kristin as she flew through the air to knock them out one by one. Two of them came at her from the side and with a spinning kick, she knocked them both against a wall. Then, as she was trying to take out the last three, Tommy came up from behind her and shocked her with a tazer. She fell to the ground, asleep.
"I have been expecting you," he said as he was tying her up. "You are now my little insurance policy."
The hallways seemed to wind and curve forever but Shanna was determined to stop her gay ex boyfriend. It seemed to get quieter and quieter until finally, she heard some foot steps. She had her hand on her gun but did not draw it yet. As she neared the corner, she noticed someone else on the otherside, turning too. It was Nicole!!
"Hey, I am glad to see you made it ok, but where is Kristin?" asked Shanna
"I was hoping she would be with you. I saw an elevator down the hall that we should take."
The two went to the elvator, opened it, and went up. As the doors opened, they noticed trannies lying about in poor condition. They both knew that Kristin had been there.
"Aw, Shanna, my love. I knew you would try to stop me but now you have no choice but to love me and follow me. Unless, you want your friend to die. Too bad though, because I will have to kill Baldi as well as everyone else on earth." The voice came from across the room where Kristin had been chained to the wall and The Sperm Donor was standing behind the Penile Discharger.
"I dare you to do it, gay boy. I will also let everyone on this ship know about our old phone bill....."
"I doubt it because I have your friend held hostage and if you do not do what I say, she dies."
Nicole whispered into Shanna's ear, " I don't like this. Let's kick his ass and get out of here."
At this point, Tommy came out through the elvator doors. Nicole grabbed him and held a gun to his head.
"Let Kristin go or you will have no one to operate the laser." said Nicole
"Rats, I guess I'll have to do it," he said as he pulled the lever to start the laser. "I am not an idiot, even though I am a thug fo' life, ya know."
The laser was warming up and the girls had to think quickly. Nicole pulled out the remote that Tommy had designed and set the coordinates for the laser to work the opposite way, causing it to be destroyed when it goes off, as well as the ship. This caused The Sperm Donor to pull out his laser gun and shoot towards Shanna, but she pulled out her trusty compact and deflected the laser, to where it landed on the chains that were captivating Kristin. As the chains broke, Kristin came out swinging, knocking the Sperm Donor to the ground. All three ladies ran at him and all one could make out is a cloud of fists, legs, and pure agression towards this pig that had already caused so much anger. After the beating he took, they chained him up but before they left, they made sure to do something that was suggested a long time ago. Nicole took out her curling iron and plugged it in and Shanna turned the knob to full blast. Kristin already had Mr. Sperm Donor's pants down and with a single heave, Shanna had thrusted the enitire device into the anus of the villain.
The Penile Discharger was shaking and the girls knew they had little time to get out. They dashed all the way down to the nutsack of the ship and jumped into their craft. Within seconds, they had already hit hyper space speed and flew away from the ship. As it blew up, it glowed bright white and to this day, people claimed that they saw a giant sperm in the sky, smiling down on all of us. I know the truth, it was my girls. The blonde squad!
The End
User Reviews
Submitted by Kristin <angel230_99.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-06-23 20:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with Shanna... This was definitely the best of all 3 Blonde Squad Missions. By the way, "sperm recepticle" is refering to the time when Jason, Shanna's ex boyfriend, called her a sperm recepticle because he was mad. He was mad because she found a phone bill and discovered there were 48 outgoing calls to a gay chat line. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homosexuality, but it's pretty messed up. Oh yeah... WE ARE... THE SHIT!!!! (and you too, Streetpunk... call me)
Submitted by Shanna <prnces1212.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-06-23 20:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the best story of all of our missions!!!! They were all great but this one tops the charts!!!
Submitted by Goldneyes (user info) at 2004-01-16 09:30:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story! What's up with the "intellectuals of uber," not wanting to read a story because it's too long? WTF?!?!?
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:55:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha! This was funny.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2004-01-15 13:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Question the first: what are you on broham?
Question the second: why aren't you sharing?!!